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Update on baristajedi

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi there :slight_smile:.

    It's been a while but I've been feeling like posting an update. Things have changed so much over the last few months, and I feel like I'm turning a new page in my journey from utter fear, anxiety and crazed emotions to calm, joy, confidence, and clarity.

    So, I'm sharing this stuff, and I want to hear from you guys, whatever you have to say about what I'm posting (if you feel like reading this wall of text), or share about your own journeys :slight_smile:.

    Here's where things are for me right now-

    My identity as bi:

    Looking back, I'm just so satisfied with where I am at this point in terms of my identity as a bisexual. I simply feel like it's part of me. That happened at some point, it just sort of seeped into my larger definition of me, and I don't even remember the point that I stopped being preoccupied with it. Just a few short months ago this was all I could think about, it distracted me nonstop, I wanted nothing but to think about what it means for me, and I was up down up down emotionally. But now -- I found myself a couple of times recently just offhand mentioning my orientation in conversation. It's....liberating.

    Exploring my sexuality:

    This area is kind of at a standstill. At some point over the last few months I wanted desperately to have a chance to explore what it means to be bi, to try to date a woman, to do it *now*. That led to a decision with my husband to open up our marriage.

    A lot of overlapping things made me realise that what I really need is to completely adjust my understanding of my life (yeah just that, no big deal :wink:).

    I realised something about this whole experience, coming out, questioning my marriage, feeling lost and desperately sad...a lot of it was related to a bigger picture of me feeling like I'd lost touch with my sense of self over the years as a wife (in a struggling marriage) and mother.

    Through that I realised more than anything I need to get in touch with me. I decided I want to focus on regaining and nurturing my sense of self before I can really focus on my marriage and exploring my sexuality.

    But I did come up with a lot of ideas that I feel will help me keep in touch with my bisexuality. The idea of open marriage is on hold right now...we plan to revisit it at a later time. I think a slower pace fits more what I need right now. There are a lot of things outside of that to explore.

    My emotional rollercoaster:

    A lot of you have been around to see me emoting along my journey. I was an emotional wreck for a long time, in coming to terms with coming out, a lot of my marriage issues coming to a head and going through some rocky stuff with my husband.
    A lot of the sadness, emotional ups and downs (mostly downs), neediness, anxiety, that's all seemed to calm down significantly. I'm starting to feel a stronger sense of strength, calm and clarity. Much of it came from my "lost weekend" :slight_smile:. I took a weekend away from home a couple of weeks ago, holed up in a hotel, just being on my own, thinking, crying, journaling, listening to music. That gave me the break to put things in perspective and to come up with a plan to build into our routines ways to maintain proper care for me (and on my husband's side, for himself too).
    I've been regaining my focus and balance and sense of calm. And joy and silliness :slight_smile:.

    My marriage:

    My husband, I mentioned in older posts, started to be amazing, and he's continuing to be supportive, giving equally in home and parenting, communicating better, etc.

    That makes me feel good. But I'm not ready yet to address any questions about whether our marriage will work and how to make things great between us. I believe that we can have a great future, that I can live authentically in our marriage, that I can be satisfied.

    I'm not there yet though. I'm really more in the mode of thinking about me and nurturing me. I told my husband that I need space to think and grow and nurture me, basically, not to feel pressured to focus on intimacy and romance with him, but moreso nurturing our friendship and nurturing myself and supporting him in nurturing himself. He said he can be supportive of that. I don't know how patient he can be, but it's what I need, so that's where we stand.

    Altogether, life is looking up, I'm gaining clarity in my path. And I am finally moving forward in a positive way.

    So....not sure how much you have read of this, but please share your thoughts if you want. And where are you in your journey?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Dec 12, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2015
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Baristajedi,

    Thank you for the update. It does seem like you have fully embraced your jouney and are well down the path. Glad you husband is being so supportive now. I look forward to reading more posts as you continue to progress your thouhts and decisions.
     
  3. mellie

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    There you are!

    Wow. You really have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, and it sounds like you've come to a good place for now. I am glad you got some time to yourself to just...be. I actually just posted this quote today on social media (it's a quote by Anne Lamott and if you haven't read anything by her I suggest you do because she's amazing): "Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you."

    Sounds like you got the opportunity to unplug yourself for a bit. You sound refreshed and at peace.

    It's great to hear that your husband is understanding of your need to take care of YOU right now. I hope this leads to a more open, loving marriage for you two. Or an amicable, loving split--whichever path you eventually take. But it sounds like you aren't rushing anything, and I think either way, this will lead to a greater understanding of yourself, your wants and needs, where you stand in your sexuality, and what the "big picture" is.

    My journey? Well. I'm kind of in the middle of chaos here. I'm standing here smiling like a goofball while everything just kind of crumbles and whirls around me. But the winds are starting to die down and I've picked up the shovel, gathered my bricks and cement and started the process of rebuilding--all while continuing to love and nurture my kiddos and shield them as much as I possibly can. I have this grand plan for what my new town will look like--I'm holding onto faith that time will get me there.

    Glad to hear that you're on the up and up. (&&&)
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    Thank you for the update! It's good to hear that you and your husband are figuring things out in terms of happiness as individuals and even in regards to you together.
     
  5. WanderingMind

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    Your post brings me a lot of hope, and I'm thankful for that in many ways. These are the parts of your message I'm holding as promises that there's an AFTER (or at least, a BETTER FOR NOW) in this journey:

    My list looks a lot like your BEFORE picture. I'm better today than I was the day I first posted here. I've discovered I'm not alone. I've learned that there is a far broader perspective than the one I've been familiar with. I've learned there's hope. And, I've started to be able to untangle the mess that existed when it was all just one big ball of ache. The pain is still there... but it's in manageable pieces I can take out and examine one by one.

    My identity as bi: Yep. More and more bi every day. Learned that there are symbols and colors that represent bisexuality, and felt really good about wearing an outfit that incorporated the colors today (even though it's only blue underwear, a pink shirt and a purple pendant - the only combination I own that works :slight_smile: ). Tiny symbols that mean everything to me, even though they won't mean one damn thing to anyone else.

    Exploring my sexuality: Opened up a big can of worms this week. Examined what I really want, and I truly have no clue. I've been doing a lot of writing, and it's led me to understand I'm not likely to be satisfied with a simple on-time tryst. I'm living with a swack-load of lust these days, but I have a husband who's surprisingly open to talking about that and we're both more than willing to let that translate into... well. Ahem. I can live with the not knowing where I'll go from here, for now. It's better than last week. So, that's a good thing. I'm pretty sure I'm lying to myself about two specific crushes. I'm going to let that simmer on my mind and figure out what to do about it. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to unpack these feelings because I know how hard that can be.

    My emotional rollercoaster: Prior to arriving here at EC, I'd have used different symbols for my emotions: a sinking ship, a growing cancer, or a ticking bomb. But, being here has helped. I've had one 24 hour stretch without crying this week. I managed to get dressed and get through every day. I've been a good mom, an average employee, and wrote one of the best short stories I've ever penned (even though it eviscerated me, at the time). I cried my eyes dry on my husband's shoulder, and he took my tears and honored them with a lot of sensitivity and care. I ate because I was hungry, and didn't feel like throwing up. I bought some new nail polish and took time to put it on.

    My marriage: I'm less afraid of messing it up. I'm thankful.
     
  6. bi2me

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    Right on! This is so much like where we've landed (for now)!

    I actually said that I thought an actress was really hot in front of several people I'm not officially "out" to. Part of my goal to live out instead of come out.

    (!)
     
  7. CapColors

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    This sounds good! I'm happy for you!

    You were kind of pinging all over the map a month or so ago and I was worried for you, to be honest.

    A lot of this is stated in pretty vague terms, so I'm not sure exactly what you are referring to (which is fine, of course! You don't have to say.)

    But if you feel like clarifying, I'm curious!

    Why did you decide to go back to a closed marriage? Did your husband get fed up with the open marriage? Were you unhappy with your dating prospects?

    What does "not focusing romantically" on your husband mean? Are you guys not together? Are you not having sex?

    What does "get in touch with me" mean to you aside from your marriage and sexuality? Like, are you spending more time knitting or something? Are you getting a new job? Etc.

    I was really happy to read that you were in a good place but I was hella confused as to what exactly that meant...
     
    #7 CapColors, Dec 12, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2015
  8. Sorrel

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    Hey baristajedi, great to hear you're in such a good place! I'm so happy for you!

    It's interesting to hear about how you've discovered that you need to reconnect with your sense of self, and find yourself again. I think that's very helpful for people in similar situations to hear about, I think it's not uncommon that we lose that connection from time to time, and that can really cause a lot of confusion. Great to hear about your "lost weekend", seems like a very healthy and helpful experience.

    How wonderful that you've found clarity and joy :slight_smile: You seem to be in control of your life and very aware of what you need in order to thrive. Fantastic! Please do keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
  9. LittleFlowers

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    Firstly, your post conjures up the imagine of someone taking a deep breath. Like.. you've had a heap of stuff going on, but you know that moment you stop and heave a huge breath and then you realise.. I can slow down a little. It's going to be ok. I don't know if that makes sense, but for me that's what I get from what you've written. Do you feel relieved?

    You seem to have worked so hard to make peace and come to terms with 'you'. I love the idea of the weekend away you took to just get in touch with yourself and it's so great to hear your hubby is there for you.

    I haven't read all of your posts but a lot of what you wrote months ago helped me feel like I wasn't the only one going through a journey about my identity too, so thank you. Hearing that you're at a much better place with it gives me hope too. I like the sound of what you say about it now just being part of you, not something you think about all the time.

    If you're comfortable to share, I'm curious to know about the ideas you've come up with to stay in touch with your bisexuality.

    An update on where I'm at; I'm coming down in favour of more 'lesbian' than 'bi' despite having mostly dated men before. Headspace wise, I'm still having a hard time getting my head around being gay, it's like I'm just peeling the lid back on the thought but it's still scary for some reason. That said, I'm a jump in and do it kind of person so I started dating (internet sites) and I met a really lovely woman. We've been dating for a month and a half or so, she's keen to be 'girlfriend' but I'm not able to commit to that yet. Not because I want to date anyone else but because a) being a 'girlfriend' means I'm accepting myself as gay and b) I also feel like I would want to be able to share with my family and friends that I'm seeing someone and I'm still just thinking about how and when to tell people. I don't want to hide her, or myself for that matter.

    I have been trying to write and think and just be kind to myself. What I mean by that is when I have the internal niggle that I know means I'm uncomfortable and pushing it, I take time out. I'm seeing a therapist (although I wonder if we've gone as far as we can at the moment) and I've started mindfulness meditation. I guess it's all helping. I don't feel.. as stressed and worried about it as I used to. However, I still have to keep reminding myself when I glance at a girl and then mentally slap myself that.. um.. remember, this is you? It's ok! Yesterday I went on a tour of a wine region with my 'date' and her friends and we held hands on the way home, which surprised me just how much it excited me and also that I was relatively comfortable with her friends seeing it. So there you go. In some ways I feel like a teenager all over again.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Thanks to you guys for reading and responding :slight_smile:. Many of the pisitive steps I've taken have come more easily to me by having the support of all you guys here and this place of comfort.

    Thanks onthehighway :slight_smile:. My husband is being supportive and to be honest, through this ehole experience I've learned that he's a much stronger person than I've ever realised. And he has the capacity for major growth.


    Mellie! I've been paying attention to your posts even when I can't always respond. You say new town, i saw your post about your husband taking a new job in a new town, are you going to relocate with him?
    I also really admire you for taking the plunge with meeting up this new woman. I'm eagerly awaiting to hear more :slight_smile:.
    From what you post, I can see that you are incredibly strong and a great mon, I'm sure no matter how tough things get that you are doing a great job making sure your kids are ok. life is complicated, chaotic and messy sometimes. But I know you'll get through all of this stuff piling up on you.

    I love that quote you shared. And I realised from my "lost weekend" that I need to periodically unplug, so that's actually one of the strategies I came up with, my husband and I are going to take turns having a full day occasionally from morning until late night just being out in our own, maybe even jumping on a train and going somewhere to a nearby town, just to unplug from family life. I've also come up with a bunch of other ideas like that, all meant to kind of just maintain our own autonomous selves.


    COS- thanks :slight_smile:. My husband is giving ALOT, and particularly his encouragement that I get away for the weekend, that is really what made me believe things could work with him. Up to that point, I really didn't feel it could work, no matter how much he was trying to work on making "us" stronger. For me, it has to be primarily that we each care about eachother's self, and nourish us as a couple when both of our heads are in that place.

    I'm going to reply to more in just a sec...

    ---------- Post added 13th Dec 2015 at 02:12 AM ----------

    Wanderingmind, big hugs(*hug*), it sounds like you are going through a lot of pain right now. I can relate so much. It sounds like you have a very grounded way of looking at things though, and that should help you a lot. I like that you are looking at things one day at a time. And I'm happy thst you are able to deal with things in pieces rather than feeling like it's all a big ball of ache, as you say.
    You talk about the symbolism with color and clothing, that has really been a strong tool for me too! And I totally get what you mean about it not mattering whether anyone else notices it not, you feel it :slight_smile:. That's so powerful!
    It sounds like you have a supportive husband, that's so helpful when you're going through all of these feelings. It's hard to explore when you're married. Take time and keep up your writing, writing is so therapeutic.

    I'm glad my post can make you feel hopeful. I'm really happy about the place I'm in now. There's still a lot I need to figure out, but I feel like I've gotten through the most painful, terrifying chapter.

    Bi2me- yay!!! It feels so good to just *be* yourself and not feel self conscious. Go
    you!!!:thumbsup:


    More to come in a min...
     
  11. Distant Echo

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    You seem to be going so well. You've been so confused but it finally seems to be coming together for you. I'm so happy for you.
    Just keep your eyes always open for that something positive when things get too hard :wink:
     
  12. baristajedi

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    Hi Cap :slight_smile: thanks!

    To be honest, I was starting to worry about myself too, things were starting to feel overwhelming, and I was not dealing well.

    I was a little vague in my post, but not because I didn't want to share. I was just woerirn my post would get too long. Happy to expand!

    You said: Why did you decide to go back to a closed marriage? Did your husband get fed up with the open marriage? Were you unhappy with your dating prospects?

    -My husband was starting to feel really uncomfortable about the open marriage.
    But even before talking to him about it, during my weekend in the hotel, I was starting to feel like our specific arrangements didn't jibe with what I needed to feel free to explore, it was too soon for one thing, too short (it was supposed to be for 4 months), it meant that I would have to quickly find women to date, go out and quickly have a bunch of meaningless trysts. The ideal to me would be something more organic, and I thought that a better way to reach that point is, do all the exploring I can that fits in with monogamy (flirting, building friendships, building up my confidence around women, go to gay bars to scope women out, etc) and at the point where I feel like it's my natural inclination to date someone, revisit the idea with my husband.

    You asked;
    What does "not focusing romantically" on your husband mean? Are you guys not together? Are you not having sex?

    - were having sex, not often, but I'm not taking that off the table. We are together as well. but, basically, I don't feel attracted to my husband right niw. I can't pretend I do, and I can't force myself to focus on that, it just makes me feel too much pressure. I realised that one of the things that my husband and I have not been nurturing for far too long is our friendship.
    I need to feel that joy and silliness and comfort around him again to get back to feeling the romance and intimacy clicking into place.
    It also overlaps with my need to feel focused on me. My husband was trying for a little bit to invest a lot of energy on making things work between us, setting up ronantic evenings, etc.
    But I think one if the reasons I got to the point where I felt is lost focus on me was because I'd tried for years to make things work with my husband, just trying and getting no results. I hit a wall and I can't bring myself to put all if my energy thete right now. I need my energy to be on me.


    You asked:
    What does "get in touch with me" mean to you aside from your marriage and sexuality? Like, are you spending more time knitting or something? Are you getting a new job? Etc.

    -bunch of things :slight_smile:. So first I came up with a bunch of ideas to make time and space for me to discinnect from parenthood and marriage periodically (and I want my husband to do the same). Having full days on our own regularly, getting away for a full day alone. Weekly havinv a few hours to go off on our own, regularly going out on our own with friends, etc.
    Also, I thought getting immersed in a hobby would be good too, for me that will likely be creative writing.
    I'm starting art therapy.
    I also want to be sure I stay connected with the lgbt stuff around me.
    When my contract ends at work, I'm taking 2-3 months off to have "me time".

    These are some examples.

    I feel like maintaining anything positive has to come with action, so that's where I sm right now.

    I'm going to keep responding to other comments but it might take a liitle time...
     
    #12 baristajedi, Dec 13, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2015
  13. Boatman

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    Hey, this sounds good, balanced approach to things. I hope it continues.
     
  14. CapColors

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    Thanks! I'm so glad you've found some peace. I appreciate hearing the details because we are in similar situations.
     
  15. IrishJ

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    Hey Barista, great to see you posting and thanks for the update. I am happy to see the growth and am grateful for you sharing your experience with EC.

    Wishing you happiness - J
     
  16. baristajedi

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    I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back to this.

    Thanks Sorrell, Inamirror, boatman and IrishJ! I do feel really good about where I am now.

    Boatman - it's good to see you on here :slight_smile:. I feel like I haven't seen you around in a while.



    I'm so glad to hear my posts have resonated with you :slight_smile:


    I'm happy to share my ideas about staying in touch with my bisexuality.... So, so far ive vine up with:

    In terms of identity/community related things, I want to continue going to lgbt events, wear things that I feel express my pride in being queer, read lgbt news and watch/read lgbt centered films/shows/books.

    In terms of sexuality:
    Reading erotic lesbian literature, watching erotic films, looking at erotic art/pictures
    Flirting with women (still working on eye contact)
    Talking to my husband about the things that turn me on about specific women
    Going to lesbian bars (but not doing anything unless we open up our marriage again)
    Just generally being open/expressing my attraction to women


    Wow! You've come so far!! I'm so happy you've met a nice woman :slight_smile:. That's wonderful!
    It sounds like you're also doing so many good things to progress and become more comfortable in who you are. It's a long battle sometimes.

    Keep doing all of these things, you're making such huge steps!