RANT TIME A year ago today I met my trigger. Its crazy to think that its been exactly a year since the person who completely revolutionized my life and I met. And its even crazier to think that we don't talk anymore. That we are strangers. I know Im better off without her in my life but I still feel incredibly sad and I miss all the happy times. Last year today, at this very hour, we were on a bus together on our way to a company party. And we were talking about everything and anything and laughing so much. And everyone on the bus was quiet so we both started singing and made everyone sing along with us. Today Im sitting on my couch, alone. And Im grateful for the last year and for having had this experience - because it made me realize parts of me that I had been hiding all my life. But I miss having someone to love as much as I loved her. And I cant fathom going through the holidays feeling as lonely as I feel now. I have a lot of friends and family but its not the same... :tears:
It's amazing how life is so full of surprises and irony. Something as powerful as this meeting a year ago has changed your life in unexpected ways, yet is not there anymore. You are not alone. Someone who does not experience life's reality are not purely happy, but peobably uninspired and bored. Some things that hurt us while teaching valuable lessons leading to discovery, we would not change. I really hope you look to the future as we never know what good surprises it has
Hi SofM, I'm kind of in the same situation you're in, though I do currently have a boyfriend, who's a very nice man. However, I still pine for my ex, the man who brought me out of the closet a year and a half ago. We had a relationship of one year's standing, which ended approximately two weeks after I came out. The principal reason it ended is that although I was out, I was still not "available," i.e., I still had family obligations that prevented me devoting 100 percent of my life to him, at least for the foreseeable future. The fact that I loved him 100 percent was not enough, and he bailed. I had a couple of counseling sessions to help me deal with it, and friends were very supportive too, but I'm still in love with the guy, and maybe I always will be. Anyway, while I was going through all this, I gleaned some snippets of wisdom from the internet, and reflecting on them from time to time has helped me see things in better perspective. Here they are: "[P]eople come into your life and change it forever, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are supposed to be in your life forever. People come into our lives and give us the opportunity to grow and learn." (Colby Melvin, Andrew Christian underwear model, on his recent breakup) "Even if you spend a year loving someone, it's a wonderful thing. Breakups can be difficult and often times they hurt, but that just says to me that it was worth it." (OGS from Empty Closets) "[H]appy people make happy relationships. And happy people can be happy whether single or in pairs. A relationship won't fix your life--instead, I tend to think that a happy relationship can be the reward for fixing your life yourself." (OGS) "Hang in...and most importantly continue becoming the wonderful person you are. When you contain so much self-love that it overflows from you, *that* is when you become irresistible to people, and the right person will suddenly unfold from the woodwork. At this very moment? He's probably just struggling with his sexuality and considering whether he needs to divorce his wife of 20 years. Give him that time, and use it to become even more worthy of him." (BiAnnika from Empty Closets) "[T]he trick seems to be to become comfortable with who you are and with the fact you may live your life as a single person, and that self realization and acceptance translates to a palpable confidence that is sexy and attractive to other men/women of many ages." (Mark McGovern from Joe.My.God.)
Aw I know how much it hurts! You willl meet someone again, and it will feel amazing, again. Your capacity to love is the same, and in a sense doesn't have anything to do with your trigger, because the love came from inside you. She wasn't the right person for you, at this time. But now you're aware of the great gift of love you're capable of giving. To the right woman, at the right time
Giiiirl. You already know I know all of these feels. Isn't it amazing how we think of all the good times, even though the shittier ones seemed shitty enough to counter them and make us forget? Nope. All the good times still make me smile and feel warm and fuzzy and think, "how was that all supposed to turn into nothing?" Insignificant days become significant. Things that happened become these reverse sour patch kid moments. First they're sweet, then they're sour. There's this stretch of highway I hate because we had this cute moment fighting over my radio and were so blatantly flirting. There's a song I hate because it came on literally EVERY TIME we were in my car. I remember the exact date I told her how I felt, and when it passed recently, all I could think about was the wording of her incomprehensible rejection - and it made me feel that horrible feeling all over again. The holidays always seem hard. Everything's all beautiful and people have someone to kiss at midnight. And who are we? Alone-ish, sorta still confused a bit, thinking about wanting to kiss some girl even though all the movies have a boy and girl kissing, and who do we want to kiss? That asshole that messed our shit up! Please excuse all of that projection. I totally agree with Sorrel. Remember that feeling you had for your trigger, and how great it made you feel. And be happy in knowing that someday, you will feel that again, because that is how much YOU can love. It wasn't exclusive to your trigger, she just brought it out of you. And when that someday and someone new comes, they'll feel the same way, because you'll recognize the symptoms of indifference. I liked all of these quotes, but can anyone phrase anything better than BiAnnika? Is she the Dalai Lama?? That statement about working to be your best self is something I feel deep in my soul that gets me through my lonely confused times. I know that when I get to a place of inner peace, I will be more open to receiving something again. I think that's true for anyone. Chin up!
Thank you! (*hug*) who would have thought this is where Id be today ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 07:21 AM ---------- Wow! Thank you so much for sharing. This especially makes me excited about whats yet to come. Hope to get to this point. ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 07:23 AM ---------- I think the reason its so hard for me to get over her is because I cant detach that feeling of loving from the memory of her. But I need to keep reminding myself that the love comes from me. Thanks (*hug*) ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 07:23 AM ---------- (*hug*) ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 07:30 AM ---------- THIS. And im so close to my family and I love all our big and loud holiday parties and I would just love to share that with someone I love. My trigger used to come to all my family activities and just seeing her mingling with my grandma, downloading joke apps with my stepdad, online shopping with my mom, throwing back drinks with my cousin UGH. It just felt sooo right. It felt like she was a part of us and they all loved her so much. The holidays with that dynamic would have been golden. But I need to accept that she is not the person who she pretended to be. And that all that was false. And she was never mine. :tears: On another note, date girl texted me but now im not so into it :rolle:
I understand how you feel to some extent, though at this point, I'm more at a stage where I miss the relationship, or the relationship I thought we had, more than the actual person. We went from practically attached at the hip for two years to actively hating each other's guts to declaring somewhat of a truce, but not really ever getting beyond just not being at each other's throats anymore. It's been 7 or 8 years now I guess. We are friends on Facebook and have spoken maybe 2 or 3 sentences in the past 5 years. I miss the good times we had together, but I'm much happier with her 99% out of my life than I ever was with her in it, I just couldn't see it until I was out of it. It's weird how you go through these phases where you can't imagine life without someone and then they're gone, but life goes on and eventually, you realize the person that seemed so very important at the time, was just one part of your life and losing them wasn't nearly as bad as it seemed like at the time. Grief is the price we pay for love. Sometimes it seems steep, but in the end, I think it's worth it. Grief fades over time and hopefully our experiences guide us towards something better in the future. Best wishes.
I know what you mean by things looking right when they're around the people in your life. There was a time that I had to have my Trigger and mom in the same place at the same time, and I was so nervous that my mom would see all the rainbow fireworks shooting out of my ass when I was around her. I, for the first time, was riddled with anxiety about my mother saying something to embarrass me. Trigger even joked, "oooh, time to meet the parents." :bang: but when she was around my mom, she turned around and talked to her and was being so nice with conversation. I just loved the way it felt. As if she'd fit right in, or I wouldn't have to worry about her because she could just talk to anyone. Whenever I'd have a family get together after that, I'd fantasize about her being there and how great it would be. A part of me would be freaked out, like, here's this girl I'm dating, just like any guy I've ever brought home. That's something that gets me around the holidays or any big family party. I don't see anyone like myself. There aren't any gay people in my family, that I know of, and I'd be the only one toting a chick - so I feel really singled out about it. I recently had a family party and was imagining what it would be like to slow dance on a dance floor with a girl in front of them. It feels awkward, but when I would think of doing it with her, everything just felt right and like I wouldn't care. When I thought she and I were going to be something, I remember having that glint of fear, but also feeling like I'd just be like, "Yes. Hello, everyone! This is my girlfriend. I'm gay, because DUH." **motions to hot trigger** What's going on with date girl? Why are you feeling weird about it now?
UGHH i wrote this whole thing and the page refreshed. I get the part about fantasizing about her being there. And also not knowing how to handle the situation with the family. Ive never really brought a boy home either though so it would all be so new to them. But agreed, when I imagine it, it totally feela RIGHT. I wonder like in a year if im in a relationship, can I kiss my gf on new years with the family present? I hate that if i were straight this wouldnt even be a concern... Date girl and I are going to the carnival tomorrow. Ferris wheel, funnel cakes, fun house, etc. im gonna be feeling like Beyonce in the video XO haha! Im excited but idk... i idealized her a lot after the first date but one of the things we talked about was smoking weed... And it seems she does a lot of this. And its not that I care or I dont smoke sometimes but I dont do it or talk about it a lot. And she seems to. So idk, just something turning me off her. Plus the fact that she seems to be into kinky stuff sexually and up until now all my sexual experiences have been VERY vanilla.
That is tough. many HUGS. I used to understand life, and now I realize I was foolish to think I could.
I'm so totally feeling ya - so we need to move forward from here right ? But where is here exactly? It's funny where life will take you when you let it , I mean look where you are today right? So we take the love and all we've learned from it with us to the next moment . Being in love just feels good. It's fun. I'm so Happy for you that you had it . You have to believe it will come again
