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Sooo angry with life and at myself :(

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2015
    Messages:
    99
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I am so angry at myself. I seriously hate the holidays this year. I'm just going through motions for my son. I'm so angry at myself first for forcing myself to suppress that I was a lesbian since I was in middle school (I knew very well I just REFUSED to even let myself acknowledge it), then for letting myself fall hopelessly in love with my best friend, which she DOES reciprocate, we "discovered" we are both lesbians together and that's what we always wanted. We love each other sooo much and have such an amazing bond (we have been "girlfriends" for 8.5 months now, both of us are married with young children). Both of our husbands know. My husband is pretty much accepting now (tho wasn't at first). Hers does NOT. He did moreso at first, but now he just wants to punish her for hurting him. He threatens her and she feels so threatened that she will not get custody that she is to the point she cannot even try to move forward with any relationship with me in any way. She cant. Ive seen it and heard it myself and she cant risk anything with her kids right now. We do get to see each other during the day, but we never get to be together at night like we did sometimes at first. Sometimes at night I am so unhappy I just cry until my eyes have no tears left. Because I want nothing more than to crawl into bed next to her and snuggle with her, and wake up next to her. But I never get to do that. :frowning2: And it hurts me so badly. When I think about it I get this all over sting within my body it hurts so bad.

    I am a very intuitive person, not necessarily psychic, but I do have visions that are often correct. When me & her first became friends, I had visions very early on in our friendship that we would be together, me & her and we would be so happy& perfect together. This was before we ever touched each other, anything. But as we became closer and closer, and formed our emotional relationship, we were so much alike (so unhappy in our marriages, etc) that it seemed inevitable, and one night that's what it was: unavoidable that we loved each other, and it has been so amazing ever since. Since my intuition already told me this would happen (as it has many other life events), coupled with the fact I have NEVER been in love with another person this way ever before, I really feel that my heart has been ripped out of me right now. I feel so sad, unhappy and hurt every single day. I feel like my gravitational pull that I feel from my intuition is so off balance right now. I want to be with her so badly. :frowning2: And its not even about sex. I just want to fall asleep snuggling and talking to her. We talk from the moment we wake up till we fall asleep at night, about anything and everything. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. :frowning2:
     
  2. Ryuji35

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2014
    Messages:
    164
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yours is a tragic life born out of your own choices.

    Not sure how you can amend that without anyone hurting but I hope that you can sort it out eventually. Wishing you the best!
     
  3. YeahpIdk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2015
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    Location:
    East Coast
    I can almost feel your pain through reading your post.

    First, I think it's wonderful that you have this woman in your life that you love and who loves you back. This is a really, truly shitty situation, though. I wonder, if you both feel so deeply, why are you both still married to your husbands? You've found this love, you've been together for almost a year, and yet you're not with each other. I don't get that at all.
    I've never been married, and I don't have kids. So I don't fully understand the gravity of the whole stuck in marriage while you know you're a lesbian with children thing, though I know people on here who I care about that are in that situation, which helps me to understand it a little. I just sit here feeling like, what the heck are you guys waiting for?? As in YOU and YOUR lady. Keeping these men in your life seems extremely counterproductive to what is most natural to you, and it's not healthy.

    Tell your girlfriend to get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. If she isn't a bad parent with a history of neglect or abuse, nothing is going to make the court give sole custody to her husband. I'm not a lawyer, but same sex marriage was legalized throughout the entire US (your location says NY), so if she's worried that because she's gay and would be in a relationship with a woman might come up as an issue, it's not something that should hold her back. As well, that doesn't even need to be the main issue. If she wants to get divorced, she can get divorced. The fact that he's threatening her is enough to bring something to court. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't want him anymore, for almost a year now!? And courts understand the need for children to be with their mother even though they give more leeway to fathers now. This story is definitely missing some pieces, but if he's threatening to take her kids away, that is him being emotionally abusive, and if she's not a bad parent, completely inadmissible.

    I don't know what your whole story is, but if you feel this strongly, and the only thing getting in the way of you two being happy together is fear of the bad that may come from you moving forward, I urge and encourage you to get your ducks in a row, move past it, and take care of yourselves. You get to see her during the day? Go find a lawyer that you both could go speak to, as a consultation. Better yet, find a lawyer who is LGBTQ issue specific/friendly. I'm sure you can find one in and around NY if that's actually where you're from.

    It just seems like you're both prolonging the inevitable, or the chance to be extremely unhappy forever by staying married to your current spouses. I wish you luck and strength.