Destin to be a lonely old fag

I'm over 50, nerdy, and far from model material, gym rat. I find it more frustrating that I have seen plenty of profiles on the internet and where the picture and the words are just fine, but they are farther away.

 

There are a lot of attractive 50 something year old guys out there. Do not think that just because you are older you can't be attractive. Also, attractiveness is more than skin deep.

 

50ishandout,

Sorry to hear that this is not a good time of year for you. This post is a stark contrast to your usually upbeat and optimistic posts.

Like you, this is my first holiday season out. Yeah! I'm going through a somewhat nihilistic/existentialistic phase as I unwind the societal scripts that have constructed my closet. It sounds like you are going through something similar as you begin to question whether you will find love after coming out. You should give yourself time and keep on looking in different places; it's unrealistic to expect to find the one a few months after coming out. Hang in there. Like the other posters said, there are plenty of quality guys out there. The challenge is fishing in the right spot.

 

I am turning 26 and I am already feeling what you're feeling. I know people will say that "hey you're young! You'll meet someone etc etc." But I was out since I was 18! that's basically 8 years ago and I haven't found anyone at all :'(

I guess with that time frame, I have more reason to say that I'll die a lonely old fag than you...

 

Hang in there man. Sorry it's rough.

 

50ish and out --
Sounds like a refresh is in order !
I can relate to 'the scene' I haven't been out long ( 42 yrs ) and don't feel any pull to the night life I enjoyed in my 20s - having said that there are things I enjoy and I'm going with those rather than a lgbt slant --
What do u enjoy ? I'd say find something that you really enjoy and pursue it - it seems the more we can absorb in what we love we then attract others of like mind --
Who knows where your life partner is right now ... Follow your heart to what makes u feel alive --
Focus on you -- I'm doing that and low and behold it seems I'm more of interest to others -- I'm happier and more confident --

Do not 'begin to accept the fact that you may not find love '
Instead love yourself with what u love and see where that takes you ...
Happy positive people attract happy positive people --
Good luck ☘

 

50 and barely out - not destined to be a lonely old anything. Chin up, chin up! Get yourself up and out

 

Come hang out with the tribe on Christmas - Chinese food and a movie coudn't hurt

 

One of the recurring themes I've seen after over 2 years on EC is loneliness, not fitting in, a lack of self-worth, and the search for A Relationship that will solve all those issues and bring happiness. Honestly, some of that is really putting the cart before the horse. Your first and most long-term relationship is the one you have with yourself, and if you really want to be happy, your focus should be on developing your own interests, figuring out what you want and don't want out of life, and learning what you buried when you went into the closet, and digging it up, reevaluating it, and being the person, singular, that you never had the chance to be.

Relationships are great, don't get me wrong, and it may seem disingenuous for someone who found the right person basically before he was out of the starting gate to preach about the virtues of NOT being in a relationship. But really, both of us were rather adamantly not looking for, and not expecting to be in, a relationship. We both came out of 20-year marriages to controlling women, and lives before that where we were living very much for the expectations of others. All we wanted was to be who we were. I actually had made a very restrictive list in my head of what kind of person any potential partner would have to be, because I was utterly determined to avoid ever getting stuck in another unhealthy relationship like the one I had with my ex-wife (whom I don't hate by any means, but we definitely brought out many bad things in each other). More than anything, I wanted to be happy with myself as a person, and I wanted to know and understand who I was first, before I went looking for someone else. Lo and behold, there was someone out there who was feeling much the same and we connected quickly, unexpectedly and deeply. But--here's the important thing--we both regarded a relationship as something that would be nice, but it was not nearly as important as being ourselves, being who we were, and looking for happiness as an individual FIRST.

There's some dopey little Facebook meme out there that says marriage isn't 50-50. It's 100-100, meaning 2 people who are completely who they are and giving all of themselves to the relationship and the other person. You can't do that if you're looking for the other piece of the puzzle or the person who will "complete" you or make you happy. You need to be happy with yourself first.

Bars and apps aren't for everyone, and I suspect they're actually for far FEWER people than you might think. Be out, happy and who you are, and seek out other out and happy people to have fun with. If you find a relationship, great, but if you find friends, even better, because friendships can develop into the best relationships around, because they're not based on superficial things--they're based on who you both are. Hang in there. If a chunky, weird, messed-up middle-aged introvert like me can find himself on the road to happiness, with another chunky, weird, messed-up introvert, you certainly can do it!

 

^Choirboy has a lot of wisdom to share here, very good advice!

One of the recurring themes at the gay hotline where I volunteer is loneliness, it has its own category when we compile our statistics. It is one of the major issues that we deal with. To illustrate just how pervasive this can be, we had a sticker made last year to promote our service that did a bit of a play on words, in French: the meaning of homosexuel is fairly obvious but with just a few replacements you can write homosexseul where seul means alone..

Let's not skirt the issue, older men and women to a large extent become invisible as they age, which is why it is all the more important to become who you are. As CB said above, you must develop your own interests and participate in life as never before. What is attractive to others is a vigorous lust for life and living each day fully and being out there, being seen.

 

@Choirboy
Yours is one of the best postings I've ever seen on EC. Focusing on fixing yourself is not always easy, but it definitely pays off in the end. I think a relationship based on 100/100 sharing is much more likely to last.

 

My problem with being gay and older is that many of the guys my age are in relationships, so there's not that much of a single pool to choose from. Sometimes, it feels as though I'm the last single guy on Earth.

 

While I agree that Choirboy offers great and wise advice about finding oneself before entering into a gay relationship after a bad mixed-orientation marriage, I feel this thread has turned into a Choirboy fan club. I'm not entirely sure how this and the serendipitous meeting of his partner helps the OP.

Can we refocus on helping 50ishandout move forward and feel better during the holiday season? I believe the salient points are how and where to meet guys who are relationship worthy...

 

Hey 50ish,

You're not alone. Even though we differ in age, I feel the same. I'm a mid twenty year old chick who isn't into the club scene, or dating apps, or anything like that. I understand your want to find love organically, and I think we can bully ourselves at any age into thinking that we missed the mark. You sit there and say that you're happy for the 20 somethings who still have time to find love because they've got all this time to know themselves, and I sit here thinking the same about people who have known they're gay since age 7.

I really like choir boys' post, and find a lot of truth in it. I think there's something about the self that needs repair in times like these. I don't know about you, but I'm definitely low on the self worth totem right now. Sometimes I feel bad about my sexuality, and about myself, and about the confusion surrounding my coming out to myself. I'm working on it. Sometimes I feel like it's too late for me, and I bet that sounds incredibly silly to you. There are 60 and 70 year olds on here who probably would think you sound silly for imagining it's too late for you. Maybe it's true. That when we focus on loving ourselves, and not finding someone to love us, that person who compliments and deserves to go through life with us pops up at just the right moment. I hope that these holidays, you can find good friends to be with, or even find good company in yourself. The past few New Years Eves I've stayed up in bed watching HGTV and The Cooking Channel. It's not a sparkly night out, with someone that makes my heart pop like champagne and a kiss at midnight -- but it's also not that bad. It's also slightly my fault that I don't do those things even if I wish to do them. I think we can all work a little harder to find happiness and good company.

What are your interests?

 

I think you really just have to get out there and do things that you enjoy. It seems to me that people on EC are always looking for the answer to where you should go to meet someone real. The problem is that there isn't an answer because people enjoy different things. Nobody looks at someone across the room who isn't enjoying themselves and thinks "man, i want to share that life". If you asked people on EC where would be the least likely place to meet someone for a successful long term relationship I'm pretty sure one of if not most popular answer would be bars and clubs. You know where most of my friends who are in successful relationships of over ten years met each other? Bars and clubs. But you know what all those people, including my husband and I, have in common? We actually LIKE bars and clubs.

Do what YOU want, what you enjoy. Build a life worth sharing, then get out there and show it off and someone will want to share it. I think people are too transactional about it all now and nobody really enjoys it any more. It seems like people go on dates now that are more like job interviews, complete with resumes (online profiles). Nobody actually ENJOYS job interviews. People will tell me they went on a date and it didn't work out and I know they mean they didn't click as long term prospects but I always want to say: Was he nice? Was the food good? Did you like the movie? I mean you spent the evening getting to know another human being and it's a failure because you aren't getting married? Really?

I dated actively for about five years before I met my husband. I imagine that sounds frustrating to people here. It wasn't. It was glorious! The main advise I have is to try to enjoy the ride. It can be great and I'm more and more convinced that enjoying the ride is the only surefire way to reach your destination.