Holy Hell with the Emotions & Questioning (word vomit)

**rolling eyes x infinity**

I'm so emotional the past few days.

It's been weeks since ridding myself of my Trigger, and I have to say, it's amazing how much my brain has begun to reanalyze everything. She's gone, and part of me feels like this new found lesbianism I had is leaving with her. There have been moments I think about her and times we shared, and feel sad, but she's slowly drifting away -- already beginning to look fuzzy and nonsensical to me. Every girl I've looked at after her who's peaked my interest in anyway always looks similar to her in style, with the hipster undercut, and androgynous femme look. Today's been a day where I'm feeling really hopeless about my future relationships and the person that I may end up with. I've gotten as low as thinking there will be no one. Ever. This infuriates me for two reasons:

1) I am not this person. Alice is not the type to sit and think about future relationships as if they were her living, breathing lifeline, because she knows that's some stupid bullshit and not what life is about. Yes, love is so important. But I'm about to be 27 and I know that there's not much sense in focusing on this aspect of my life right now. I have so many other goals that I want to achieve for myself before I'm ready to share them with someone else, because honestly, I don't have anything to share right now. I know things don't always work out that way, and perhaps that line of focus and thinking is irrational in someway, and connects to some kind of deeper issue with commitment/relationships that I'm not entirely aware of. I've always been very good at compartmentalizing romantic relationships and goals I have/things I wish to focus on more. My biggest example is college. The year before I went in, I'd recently broke it off with my last romantic relationship, a boyfriend of three years who I felt I never really loved who was starting to become slightly (and I say slightly because I never let it escalate into anything that would actually hurt me. Alice, in this respect, is a no holds barred mega bitch with absolutely no tolerance, praying mantis style) abusive. I broke up with him, promised that I wouldn't date anyone until I was smarter, reached more goals, and really knew who I was -- and I went through college without being in a relationship at all. I had no time. I was a crazy freak thirsting for knowledge and to find myself. There were guys here and there that I liked, as in thought were hot or smart or funny, but there certainly weren't many. I always did the same thing that I do with anyone I'm overly excited about because I fancy them, which consists of having complete tunnel vision and inundating them with myself until they tell me they like me or I get rejected so I can just move on (meow all the way). I was like this in high school, too - but with even less care. I liked people here and there, but I was always in some long term, waste of time long distance relationship and just hashtaglivinglife. I've hardly cared and been completely content all on my own with the knowledge that someday I'll most likely be in a relationship, but that for now, it's me time. A huge part of me feels like me time isn't anywhere near over, yet all I can do is focus on a nonexistent impending relationship that's no where to be seen? It actually INFURIATES me. I am not waits-for-love girl where nothing else exists. And I'm sick to even look at myself as being so caught up in this when I have so many other things I need to focus on, like my career. My crazy career I dream of and talk about and want so bad, but instead, sit and be sad over some random shit that tofu-scrambled my fucking brains, making me question my ENTIRE life. WHO AM I??

2) It makes me NUUUUTS that I'm still questioning. NUTS! I want to jump up and down and have a tantrum while pulling my own hair. That I can't be content with bisexuality even though a large part of me is completely content with bisexuality. I feel like I'm spiraling into what is akin to when I would literally look at everyone who passed me by on the street, or who I saw out in public to try and see who I found more sexually appealing. This leads to nothing but more confusion.

Something today made me look up this guy I was in high school with, who I liked, and who liked me but we never did anything about it. I was always dating someone, or he was dating someone, but we were practically best friends. It's the only time I've ever been 'best friends' with a guy in my life, besides my cousin who's like my brother. We'd talk all the time, and be flirty sometimes, but I sat on the phone with this boy as he cried over his girlfriend breaking up with him. Which I (hate to admit, but I was young so cut me some slack) slightly helped push along. I was friends with her, too. And one night she was questioning how into him she actually was, and because I liked him and really cared about him, said that if she wasn't into him, it wasn't fair to keep stringing him along - which is true, but I still felt bad for pushing her towards it. This was probably one of the most organic-likings I'd ever had with a guy. I was friends with him, we were definitely attracted to each other, and the both of us were scared to ever make a move so nothing ever came of it. I moved away, and we remained friends. It wasn't until a few years later that he admitted his feelings to me, but I had just begun my relationship with my last boyfriend. So I picked this guy that I could only see every once in awhile on weekends over the boy that I liked and was friends with in high school -- out of insecurity at the time, but still. This is my distance thing that I refer to with men, for anyone who ever reads when I write that out in a post. I always chose these long distance, once in awhile, over the phone relationships over convenient location with people I already knew I clicked with in person. What the hell is that!?!

Anyway, I looked him up on FB. He looks pretty damn good. Muscular in the arms. Let's just say, when it comes to men, he's my type in looks and personality. A part of me always used to think he and I would end up together someday because he was the only guy I actually felt myself around. And I was scrolling through his feed like a stalker, looking at all of these funny memes he put up about things that I also like, and for a moment, he felt right. Like I could see that relationship, and I missed him for a second. And then I became terrified and wanted to cry, because who am I? I feel like I don't know who I am, and I don't understand why sexuality is the thing my mind thinks will make me know.

I imagined him and Trigger lined up next to each other, in a world where they're both perfect and want to be with me, and I wonder who I'd pick. In this moment, I don't know what it is, but he looks more right to me - but I'm not sure if that's just because he's familiar, and I know he doesn't play games while that's all she ever did. So potentially, that's my problem in picking her. But when I do think about her and some of her mannerisms, and the way she spoke, and how much I even just loved her voice (who the hell likes someone's voice so much?), I feel that melting feeling inside, and some irrational safety in her. A happy place kind of safety, not actual safety because I'd never trust her.

I feel like I could be with someone like him, if I ever truly connected on an emotional level. And I feel the same way about someone like her, though there was something way more electric when it came to her that I'm not sure I'll ever encounter again, though I chase it like heroin (maybe that's my problem. I'm chasing a high that I can't seem to get again). I know those sentiments wreak of bisexuality. I don't feel like if I was in a relationship with one or the other that I'd feel like I was missing something on the other side, because I'm one of those all-in girls. When I like someone, I have tunnel vision and no one else even exists for me. These are just some thoughts. I'm incredibly frustrated lately. Sending out love and word-barf to my fellow frustrateds.

 

Hey omg ,

Thank you for your kind words. They're so nice and ring true. I don't know if it would be wise to rehash things with this guy. I feel like sometimes I was a trigger crush-esq type crush that made him nuts, because he took me out of his life when I told him once that if we were supposed to be together, we probably would have been (he was also professing his love to me on a second occasion while also telling me that his gf at the time was sleeping next to him. I'm not that kinda girl.)

I got super emotional last night and talked it out with my bestie -- thank the lord for besties!! I just broke down and admitted that I still wasn't over my Trigger, and that I was in love with her, and I just needed to say it and let it be true. Now that the night is over, I'm finding humor in it, because I haven't truly admitted to being in love with her (still haven't let myself fully cry about her, but hopefully someday soon, that dam can break and I can move on with my life! Came close tonight), and I've been thinking I'm over her. I even said it in this very post! That she was drifting and my lesbianism was going with her! HOW FALSE!! I just couldn't stop wanting to think about her, and because she's so removed from me now, I haven't been letting myself. And I think things just built up until I let myself start envisioning her, and then I totally flipped out and lost it. Silly girl. Me. That was the tantrum. An, unfair-I-can't-have-it, tantrum. I blame it on being an only child and not dealing with much rejection when it came to wants.

So, yes. I still cannot say I'm 100% anything other than bi. But this was a huge freak out of holding and pushing my emotions of her deep, deep, deep down. I hope someday we can all move past a point of confusion and just accept things and go with it, despite wandering thoughts.

So I. Alice (not real name). Was in love with my trigger crush, and I still am, and I think that it's okay, and someday, I will get over her and her beautiful face and butt. Until then, let's all enjoy this nice elevator music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5PvBzDlZGs

<--- me patiently waiting to get over it.

 

Wow, withdrawal is right! She doesn't even deserve to have been some kind of addiction, but either way, I guess she was. I shake my head thinking about how crazed I got, and then just crashed into thoughts of her, like all I needed to realize was that I was just driving myself batty because she's not there and I want her there.

**throws chair**

I'm a control freak, too. Totally feeling that ridiculous upset about indecision: do I just focus on girls, focus on both?? Me thinks: focus on ya damn self, Alice!

I know I miss the feelings I had when I was with her. Intoxicating, nerve searing excitement. Who doesn't want more of that!?

Keeping the patience **bows**

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 06:46 PM ----------

Ugh, Caps - so true with the society thing! I know that if it wasn't slightly unacceptable (in straight and LGBTQ land) to be into both sexes, which I feel is ridiculous because I think everyone's bi on some level (Wait, just me? Because I'm bi? Oh), that it wouldn't be worth as much thought as it's being given. It just seems natural that, as humans, we'd be able to find any human attractive and care about them enough to wanna eat, sleep and f*** with them on the reg. Society and its dumbass, one sided, capitalistic, religious, fear mongering standards.

**throws another chair**

What do I want next? Everything you just listed! My career, to date some chick, maybe** date another dude again, and just fucking live can I get an a(wo)men.

 

Lol, Mellie. I'm just thinking about being entwined in some all encompassing hug while eating donuts. Snuggly and delicious :lol:.

Comfortable is a great word to describe old crush man. Thinking about him is like a hug, but maybe only from a friend. I don't know why she's so hard to get over. I just can't stop thinking about how beautiful she is, and she so doesn't deserve it. I think I just need to ride it out a little and get over it. There's gotta be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere! Waiting for it!

Oh.

No.

TRAIN! :rolleyes: