No complaints about the "wife" this time. No going on about my fears of leaving her or whatever. I just want to put this out there. In talking with her yesterday, she told me these words - "you're happiest when you're identifying as gay." And that hit me like a ton of bricks. Because she's right. I feel the most like myself when I'm just being open and honest and not pretending. That doesn't mean talking about every hot guy or anything like that, it's just a general giving myself permission to be myself type of thing. I'm like that around my friends who know, especially my gay friends. And she even sees it. She knows it. And I do too. I've never been afraid to admit that I find men attractive and want to be with them sexually. But something about this feels really different. I'm trying to process the whole thing.
Good luck, man. From what you've said in the past, I do think you are somewhere in the middle of the sexuality spectrum like me. BUT I think it's hard for bi guys, because society hasn't really given you a real space to exist in (also for bi girls, but definitely for you guys). So although you may actually be able to experience attraction and love for both genders, it FEELS much more authentic to be in a queer space. And frankly that means a gay space much of the time, because that is what is most established. ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 10:46 AM ---------- Sorry; I realized just now that my "good luck, man" sounds kind of sarcastic in print. I meant it with 100% sincerity! It's a hard issue and I send my best wishes.
Thank you! I'm honestly not sure I was ever bi. I think I was just so conditioned to thinking that I was supposed to date a woman that when I got close to women I had a hard time differentiating between "oh this person would make a good friend" and "oh this person would be a good person to go out with." I have never been attracted to women sexually. To be honest, 36 days of no sex with my "wife" hasn't bothered me because I want her sexually; it's bothered me because if we're together, we should be having sex. And I feel less connected to her when we're not. But that makes sense I think. That said, in college sure I was curious about sex with women. So I tried it. And enjoyed it, but honestly what's not to enjoy? I know some guys who have tried sex with girls and not been able to enjoy it (like my brother) but I don't know that that makes me bi. I guess truthfully, it's easier to just accept that sexuality isn't 100% on either side for me, but like you said it is way easier to identify as gay instead of bi. At the end of the day, I'm sexually attracted to men and not women. And while I have fallen in love with women, I don't think falling in love is the hard part. I just need to be open to letting it happen with men.
I know that feeling. I recently came out to my parents, but didn't say that I was one thing or the other. I just said I'm going to try and meet a woman now. They both get it - that there's something larger underneath those sentences. I know they can pick it up from how I smiled, my body language and my facial expression and the tone of my voice. Having come out feels right. I don't know "why", but I'm awake to how right it feels. My dad said yesterday, while we were talking about something completely different: "In life, sometimes people figure themselves out over time, who they really are, discover new things about themselves", etc. All of this is sort of unspoken, but significant. It sounds like it was a good thing your wife made that comment, because something happened inside you. What that movement was, and what it means, is for you to discover, not for me to guess of course. This is the kind of thing that helps us move forward. I don't know what your answers are, what's next for you. But I wish you all the best!
Oh, OK. I'd asked you point blank once if you enjoyed having sex with her and you said you did. Or I said "if you don't like having sex with her" but you responded you did. Or something...I admit I don't quite remember but that was definitely the gist. If you'd said you weren't sexually attracted to her, I don't think I would have formed the same opinion. This is the first time I've heard you say clearly that you are NOT attracted sexually to women. Which, if that's the case, man, I think your path is even clearer.
I remember that. I definitely said I enjoy having sex with her. And I do, because like I was saying, generally sex has to be pretty bad to not be enjoyable. I mean, for guys at least, I don't know if it's the same for women. But I don't miss the sex with her. And I know I could live without having sex with a woman (I won't say forever, because if I've learned one thing, it's that committing to such statements is silly). But I've definitely always been sexually attracted to men and not to women. That's never changed. And I feel like it's time I just admit what that means. I'm gay. ---------- Post added 14th Dec 2015 at 09:24 AM ---------- Thank you! I definitely agree, it's a good thing she said that. It might not feel like an entirely good thing, and it means we're going to have some tough conversations coming up. But I feel a certain amount of clarity. Like, I can't just ignore this anymore. She sees it. Friends see it. People who only know me as text on a message board see it. I can't just keep digging my head in the sand and pretending it's all hetero.
Not being sexually attracted to women but being sexually attracted to men is not really bi as most people understand it. That being said, I actually read an article that separated sexuality into "not being repulsed" and "being highly attracted to" a target gender (with presumably a gray area in between). So you could be in the first camp with women and in the second camp with men. That would make you gay by most definitions and bi by some definitions. I think I was in the first camp with women for my whole life but didn't realize it because it hadn't come up. Then I moved to the other camp when mid life hormones hit. --- Yeah, it's not generally the same for women, from what I can tell from the literature and anecdotal reports. Any sex is not good sex. Of course, that's probably because people identify "sex" as acts that culminate in male orgasm. If it were defined as female orgasm we too might think any sex was good sex, lol. That would be an interesting study.
The separated sexuality thing is interesting. My friend was just asking me "so you're 100% gay?" And I told her I don't think many people are 100% anything, but I think I'm definitely closer to being gay than to being straight. I think that's really what it comes down to. She pointed out to me that I was never unhappy when dating my ex-girlfriend. I think she's either right or I was just unhappy and didn't realize it (which I think my ex would say). I definitely suffered from a bit of depression and anxiety in that relationship. Now what I did also have in that relationship though was an ability to be open about liking men and hooking up with men. So I wasn't denying my identity. Very different from the relationship I'm in now. And yeah, that would definitely be an interesting study! I've had sex where I didn't orgasm and would still call it really good. I never cared much about my own orgasm, to be honest. I've always focused more on the other person's orgasm. I don't know, I enjoy sex and people pleasing...literally, haha.
How did the conversation with her proceed once she said that? She was making an sincere observation, and you clearly took to it. What do you see as the next step?
It was part of an overall larger conversation about us, so I didn't mention it again at the time as we were talking about so much more. I brought it back up later on when things were more relaxed and we were just watching TV. I asked her if she meant that, and she said she did and explained how she meant it (seeing me with my gay friend, she said it seems like I'm more myself than I ever am when I'm just with her). I've thought about it a lot since she said it now. Went to bed thinking about it, woke up thinking about it. We were both running late this morning for work (I had little desire to get out of bed...realizing this is probably the end of our relationship has me feeling a bit depressed) but I did tell her that I'm still thinking a lot about what she said. We hugged and she just said that she wants us both to be happy, whatever that means for us. We have to talk more, obviously. I'd like to do it in a calm way without fighting. I still made some effort today to do a few things she's asked (like order dog food online) because I still hope that we can be friendly with each other in some capacity. This is somebody I love, even if our romantic relationship may be ending. I think she knows we need to talk, it's a matter of figuring out when. I feel bad bringing it up during the work week as she will then be distracted from her busy time at the office, which isn't good. As of Friday, she's on vacation for the rest of the year. Part of me wants to wait, but part of me knows we need to discuss this now. I can't give myself time to change my mind when this feels right and I'm feeling brave enough to do something honest here. I'm hoping if we're both being calm and understanding, she won't just kick me out. She's had moments where she's acted understanding about things and offered to give me time and even financial help. And then there's times we've fought and she's wanted me to move out, take everything at once, and never speak to her again. I'm hoping since there's a calmness here right now, it can be the former. But I'm sort of expecting the latter. Worst case scenario, I'm ending up at my mom's until I can get my own place. It won't be forever and I've dealt with it mentally as a possible reality long enough to be okay with it. I'm certainly not looking to date anytime soon, but I would focus on starting to make more friends and connections, especially other openly gay men since my circle is pretty small in that regard. I've already met more than a few people that have offered to introduce me to their friends, so that's a plus.
It sounds like you are making some real progress and figuring things out for yourself. That's all very good...I'm sending you hugs! (*hug*)
During her time off seems like the best time. Yeah, before Christmas is horrible timing (unless you guys don't celebrate, in which case ideal) but I say the sooner the better. It's time to take charge of this part of yourself. Maybe you and she can start the new year fresh. --- Also the study I referenced before was about bi-sexuality; I didn't mean to imply that everyone spanned between "not repulsed" and "highly attracted to" both genders. Obviously lots of people are turned OFF by the presence of a particular gender. --- Also, I totally think that thinking about the other person first is the best way to have sex. My husband is also that way. It's...not the norm from what I hear.
What a fabulous post! I know exactly how you feel. You call it like being hit with a ton of bricks. I prefer to think of it as feeling the shackles and chains of anxiety and fear that held me my entire life, crashing down to the floor. But its more than freedom. Its absolute joy! Thanks for the great message. What a fantastic holiday gift!
Well, it would seem her understanding this may have a lot to do with how your relationship has evolved. So many wives, with the same understanding, are all too often prepared to brush it under the carpet for the sake of them living the "dream", with realizing how unfulfilled such a marriage could be. Your wife seems to be giving serious thought and more likely than not understands the implications. I would suggest you tai advantage of that understand and try and make the tough short term decisions that will positively impact no of your lives long term,
