It is one of those days where I feel like I am going crazy! I have been so lonely lately it is unbearable at times. I manage to get busy, or watch a lot of tv. . . All I want is to feel safe, to be held until I stop shaking, not judged for wanting to hold another woman, given space to take care of me. Sacrificing myself on a daily basis, I know I have said it before, is getting to me. I know I made a choice to work through my marriage, there are good days and not so good as well. Although hubby is trying, unfortunately I am finding less things to come up with that I find binds us together. I pray for our marriage, for love to be strong, and I believe I have unconditional love for him. But I do need to embrace the part of me that sings when I hold a woman. I have stayed away from my crush, glad to say, and I am content with the friendship I have with her. As with a friend whom I thought was attracted to me - well, I gave her the opportunity to tell me her needs as our friendship is at a stage where we can talk about anything, heavy or not. I have wanted to tell her that I need someone to hold me, just hold me for a while. But the fear that she may end up like the first woman I have ever known romatically (and the only woman I know) scares me so much I lose the courage to tell her. But, I don't think she is interested in me. . . how foolish I was to think that she may have been - could that have been because I am lonely? I think so. . .
