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Gay, Married, Kids, UGH

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TravelerMe, Dec 15, 2015.

  1. TravelerMe

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    So here goes.

    What I want doesn’t exist as it rarely does for anyone. I can’t go back in time and make the choice I could have made. I’m married with awesome kids, so I’m very grateful I did not come out when I was single. My wife was my first real girlfriend and I always dated girls reluctantly but that was the way for intimacy and companionship. We dated for about 9 months when my mother died. It was so hard at the time and getting married was a “way out” I guess; a way to start new; an excuse to separate from my grief stricken father idk.
    I do for others on a constant basis and I think I got married for her more than anything; I hate disappointing people. So I compartmentalized and denied who I was from the time I was 12. Deep down I’ve always known I was gay. I and my family are pretty involved well known in our community and coming out publicly would be a pretty big story on the gossip train. I have strayed a few times and met some wonderful guys but a random hookup isn’t going to bring happiness.
    So it seems reasonable to just stay the course maybe and focus and enjoy the life I have. And it seems somewhat unreasonable to rip everything apart at this time. I’ve accepted what I am so maybe that’s enough. We’re always longing for something anyway. Just putting this down in black and white for the first time ever has been helpful. And thanks to all who have shared similar struggles.

    Any thoughts?:slight_smile:
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    First off, don't feel bad about denying whom you were. With all the negative views and homophobia that exists, it is completely understandable to have denied your true self.

    I am curious, why is it unreasonable to "rip everything apart" as you put it, when maybe it's actually more reasonable to view it as "correcting what is wrong" with your life?

    Your kids will still be your kids. And if your not being authentic to your wife, how authentic of a life is she leading under these circumstances?
     
  3. angeluscrzy

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    I've been accused of ripping my family apart MANY times. Yet, other than the relationship between my ex and I, nothing feels much different. Honesty is always the biggest thing. My daughter all know and have known for the longest time that I had feelings for guys. It's their "normal" at this point so that bond I have with them is no different. Its understandable that you have all this pressure and stuff to "keep the family together", and I didn't see mention of how long you've been married or how old your kids are, but time is likely not gonna be your friend here. Once you really start facing those feelings, trying to hold onto the relationship becomes harder.
     
  4. Weston

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    I agree. In my experience, there's a certain trajectory many of us are on; progress may be slow or fast, but we all eventually end up in the same place.
     
  5. Shadowsylke

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    This.

    I don't understand this notion of "ripping everything apart"...that's not what it is at all. Now granted, I don't have kids, so I can't speak to that aspect of things...but when I got divorced, I didn't throw my husband away; we separated. He has since remarried, and so have I. Both of our situations have improved as a result. Doubling down on that ill-advised marriage just because I was already there would not have been good for either one of us. It gets a negative rap, but divorce can actually be a very positive and liberating thing.

    I agree with angeluscrzy that if you keep repressing your true self, that will only get more difficult with time, and the pressure will eventually build up to the point where something will have to give. You can't spend your entire life denying yourself and only living for others; you will end up being just a husk of your former self, and then you'll be no good to anybody. That's how it was for me, anyway. Once I allowed my true self to be nurtured and to flourish, I became a much better partner/friend/family member to everyone around me.
     
  6. CameOutSwinging

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    You're both very much right about what repressing yourself does, how once you start admitting your truth to yourself you're on a road to revealing your truth to the world, and how we all just become stronger and better people once we take away the facade.

    A friend of mine has challenged me a bit about whether I'm gay or bi, as we've been friends for 10+ years and she remembers me dating my ex-girlfriend and always seeming to be pretty happy in that relationship. And while I can't second guess if I was happy or not (I know my ex would say I wasn't, and I know the relationship was unhealthy for many other reasons anyway) I can say that one thing about that relationship was that I was dating a woman and still being very open about basically being a gay man. We would often joke that my orientation was "gay with a side of (her name)." I was open to talk about hot guys, talk about gay issues, hook up with guys, pretty much everything a guy like me could want in a way. Now I still don't think that I should seek out that relationship again, and I'd probably just be happier with dating a man period, but the fact is still I was in a relationship where I didn't have to hide my true self, even if I still had plenty to figure out.

    In the three years I've been with my current female partner, I've done a lot to hide that part of me and play it straight. I never thought much about it because I was just fitting a role, so to speak. But now that I'm more open about it again with friends and the like, I see that more and more it is my true self. And it's why being in a relationship where the other person doesn't want me to be my true self just isn't a thing that's going to work.

    I don't know, life's too short to just do what is expected of us and not find our own happiness.
     
  7. TravelerMe

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    I don't feel bad about the past denial; that's par for the course being gay for many especially 18+ years ago when I was first married. The worst part of coming out and making a major change is financial. We are pretty much paycheck to paycheck; two households would be disruptive to say the least.

    I like my family life and my wife and I are a great parenting team. We've always been more like pals; not the most romantic situation but we do well together.

    I know there are gay men that live in a M/F household and make the best of it. I have to go through the academic exercise of looking at all possible futures. Desire can't be the only factor; whether it is society's fault, homophobia etc. I'm still the one who brought my family here; its my burden and responsibility to figure out.

    I don't disagree with you or any of the other comments at all; they are very meaningful and make me look deeper within myself.

    ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2015 at 04:05 PM ----------

    Thought provoking, no question about it. Just took me decades and major societal shifts to get here.
     
  8. angeluscrzy

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    I agree with this. I have wanted to be out many times over the years, only to end up shuffling back in for different reasons. I think it is at least a little bit easier coming out now thanks to some changing views. That said, I truly admire those who are able to come to grips with things while still in their teens.
     
    #8 angeluscrzy, Dec 15, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2015
  9. lovetoomuch

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    Well I guess I give a different perspective because I'm so young, but I can relate to the situation a little. I first started noticing an attraction to guys at about 11 years old, even though I have one memory of there being some sort of attraction as young as 1st grade. Anyways, from about 11-18 years old, I told myself I would marry a woman. I was in denial of my sexuality and I just wanted to be 'normal.' I dreamed of the stereotypical American life - wife, kids, nice house, etc. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint my family. I love them more than anything in this world.
    But then at around 19, I realized it would not be fair to a woman to marry her when I had no feelings for her. I've found myself emotionally invested in some females, but there was no sexual attraction there - at all. Also, there should come a time when you realize your own happiness is just as important as trying to make everyone else happy (which it sounds like you are starting to realize now).

    Now, with the 'marrying a woman' comment, I am not trying to make you feel bad; I'm actually saying the complete opposite. If I never had that realization at 19, I was set on the same course as you. Girls flirt with me and it is very tempting to go on a date or pursue something since I'm not out yet. It is really understandable that you denied your feelings for men most your life. I imagined myself doing that for the rest of my life.

    However, I think it is not the best idea to suppress your feelings for men. If you are like most people, temptations are going to linger. You are going to get (I would think) urges to be with men, especially if you are strictly gay and not bisexual. As you said, you have strayed in the past.
    Nothing would be worse than your kids or wife finding out about you cheating - not only would they lose all trust in you for cheating, but they would also have to process the fact you are gay. And from the sounds of it, they do not seem very suspicious of your sexual orientation, so the news would likely be very hard to process.

    I assume your wife would be sad, mad, maybe even a little regretful. But I truly feel honesty is the best policy. In the end, she would thank you. She would have time to pursue other relationships, with someone who is capable of being sexually and emotionally attracted to her. And the same goes for you, you can pursue guys and wouldn't have to live a lie anymore.

    You are not an old man by ANY MEANS. You hopefully have many, many years ahead and I think you should want happiness for your wife and yourself over the future years. You are only going to get a 'hookup' with guys if you don't break it off with your wife and it sounds like you are craving more from guys at this point.

    I am far from experienced in this community. I'm still learning many things and accepting myself more and more each day. But I think being honest with your family would bring you happiness. It will be awkward for your children at first, but you sound like a great father and they will likely remember all the good you have done for them - there is no reason to hate you because of your sexual orientation. You're still their father.
     
  10. Patagonia

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    You are in a very tough spot. Trust me. I know. You are torn between who you are and sacrificing your emotional needs to maintaining, I guess I called it "stability" for your kids. What I've learned is there's no magic process to make everyone happy. But there's also no reason to give up hope. Expressing your feelings is a big first step in a long journey. There will be very difficult times. But none as difficult as living the rest of your life hiding and alone. I think you will find alot of inspiration and suggestions here. Not all of it will apply, but it all comes from the heart.
     
  11. CapColors

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    My parents got divorced when I was young. I was always raised equally by my mom and my dad, they had joint custody and we moved back and forth every couple of weeks when we were young and every semester when we were older.

    My parents both met wonderful second spouses who were MUCH better for each other. I gained two loving step parents.

    I think as long as you stay in your kids lives, you and your family can grow.
     
  12. Repona

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    My thoughts go out to you, djnx. I was in nearly the same position. Married with a toddler. Though I only discovered I was gay in marriage year five after testosterone therapy and such failed to fix some private problems my wife and I were having. :I

    I couldn't keep it under wraps. I told a couple very close, old friends. Then I told her and we decided divorce was best. We still love each other and work together to raise the little man, just in different households. :slight_smile:

    Things can still work out. You just have to bear through it. Never lose hope. <3
     
    #12 Repona, Dec 15, 2015
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  13. MOGUY

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    djnx1,
    I can certainly relate to much that you're experiencing. My wife and I have been married for mor than 37 years and plan to stay together. I finally came out to her about 3 1/2 years ago after suffering with depression. I had convinced myself years ago that I could suppress my desires forever and eventually my facade crumbled. I too felt compelled to try to please those around me. I'm the guy that always insists on picking up the tab when dining. Deep down, I thought I had to reward people who wanted to be around me. Otherwise, I didn't deserve their companionship. I've been through counseling and it's better now. Accepting the part of me that I tried to deny for years has been life changing. I have a few close male friends that I've come out to and it's been helpful to have their support as well as my wife's.
     
  14. TravelerMe

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    Yeah, there's never a perfect way to get there. Everyone here has been awesome. Just getting all out on here and hearing feedback has put me in the best mood I've been in months! Thanks.
     
  15. gaydad917

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    Totally and completely understand exactly where you are coming from! I have recently came out to a few people, working up to my wife after the holidays. This site is an amazing place to start to find your way out! Congrats on the first step and feel free to reach out if you need to chat!
     
  16. TAXODIUM

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    I understand your situation all too well. I actually *did* come out to my wife this past Oct. 15th. It has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions and indescribable pain since then. In retrospect, I wish I never had told her and that I had continued to attempt to lead a double life, compartmentalized into two very distinct dimensions. For her sake, I am having to try to make the marriage work. I cannot leave because she is utterly destroyed and way too fragile to even attempt to stand on her own two feet. Even the therapist (I saw him again today) says so. I am expending so much energy trying to take care of her and love her through this (I really DO love her) that I can't even begin to think about myself and what *I* want or need. This would be so much easier if we hated each other, if our marriage had been really bad, even though our relationship has/had issues, it was 90% good.
     
  17. middleGay

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    This really resonates with me... I think my wife is a little stronger than yours but she still struggles, she acts like nothing will ever be good again in her life. There are times when I want to just push it all back down and go back to leading my comfortable suburban life... but yet there is the siren call of authenticity, the horrible thought of being an old man at the end of my life and regretting the life not lived. What regret could possibly be worse? I know I deserve to live my life as the gay man I am... but yet sometimes it so hard to remember that when I face the pain in the eyes of those I have hurt. It's a terrible struggle... Yet do I not have the right to be who I am? Does anyone have any right to expect me to not live that way? Surely if they cannot accept that then it's their problem, not mine. That may sound harsh and of course there is remorse and at times enormous guilt but why I am solely responsible for someone else's happiness? And surely if she loves me she should want this for me. That's what love is... yes it's painful, but there is joy too. Joy that someone you love may truly find fulfillment, self love and deep sense of contentment that has always eluded them. So I put my head down and carry on with the goal of living that authentic, shame-free life. I love my kids so deeply, I'll give them everything including living my life as myself, surely to do anything else is to live a lie that's too profound and withering of the soul to be endured.

    it's hard, so very hard... One step in front of the other... and one day the sun will shine again and I'll have reached my goal.
     
  18. rachael1954

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    middleGay & TAXODIUM: I wish I could give both of you hugs. This is a really tough spot to be in. But doesn't your wives have friends/family support at all outside of your nuclear family? I am in no position to have an opinion yet... I feel you both are sacrificing your preferred life/happiness because of the wife's emotional health. And while that is very noble in a way, it also makes me sad because it still is a sacrifice.

    You are both fantastic, great people and I just wish things could be better for both of you, that your spouses could be more accepting and live/let live instead of trying to make you feel bad and guilty (as if we don't all make ourselves feel bad/guilty enough without their "help!")

    Anyway that's my small rant.

    to djnx1 - Putting it in black and white is a great first step. And I agree "we're always longing for something, anyway". So I break up my life, trample all over the person who has supported me for 2 decades, and then am I happy? No I will still want something else in life.. and then something else. It's a thought I have too. Not saying it's correct or applies to someone coming out for the first time later in life, but you're totally not alone having that thought
     
  19. TravelerMe

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    This site has helped; feeling ok right now; gaining a much better perspective. And your right at this point in life we are so busy with kids in their early and mid teens going in ten different directions coming out is just one more thing to pile on the madness. Going to be very thoughtful about all this and think about how? when? if? Thanks

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2015 at 10:23 PM ----------

    My heart goes out to you! I fear the same here. My wife has been on edge as it is and like you so much of what we do we do well. We make a great team. I really feel what you're going through and hope and pray it gets better. Just keep being a good person.

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2015 at 10:26 PM ----------
     
    #19 TravelerMe, Dec 16, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  20. Patagonia

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    To: MOGUY, your story is so much like mine its almost frightening. Right down to always picking up the check! Jeepers, we even picked the same avatar. Anyway, I am thrilled that you are doing well through acceptance of who you are. Maybe more than acceptance. Maybe more like celebrating who you are! All the best!