Was just yelled at- I can't say it was an argument because I wasn't really given a chance to say a thing- that I needed to find a way to make things go back to how they were. This was after him "discussing" Christmas with me in the supermarket - refusing to listen to what I was saying - and claiming that the Christmas plans for Xmas with all of my kids had never been mentioned. He stalked off still saying something as I headed off in the other direction. Lots of witnesses to this tantrum too. The"discussion" continued when I got home - more telling me off for not talking to him while refusing to let me talk. I've told the kids we are splitting up. I just can't do this anymore. But I can't talk to him about it because he won't listen. He won't accept anything else then me forgetting all of this. He's also declared that he is taking our boys to his father's for Christmas leaving me with my other kids. Not happening. How the fuck do I get him out of this house? The youngest has one day left of school, the next has two. Can I hold on? Oh fuck this is a fucking mess. I just want him gone. ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2015 at 05:15 PM ---------- I have to add - this is after him being away for a few days with friends, and starting an argument over nothing within five minutes of getting back. And I do mean nothing. ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2015 at 05:18 PM ---------- He also wanted an argument over the fact that I had gone to another shop while I was down the street. Because apparently I have to tell him about everything I'm going to do when I leave the house.
I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but just want you to know I care about what you are going through
Sorry you have to go through this (*hug*) Unfortunately this sort of behavior from the straight spouse is normal and to be expected as part of the separation/divorce process. He is still processing his loss, albeit unconstructively. The sooner you accept this as your new normal, the easier it will be on you. Might be helpful to review the 5 stages of loss and grief. Couples or individual therapy may help if he is open to it. Ultimately you are restructuring your family such that the two parents live apart. Avoid arguing in front of your kids. Try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. This is tough when the straight spouse does not seek proper therapy/support groups and engages in unconstructive behavior as an poor substitute. This is not fun, but remember you are going through this so that you can live authentically after it's done.
Hugs(*hug*) I'm really sorry you are going through this. One thing I know is that you've gotten through a lot of tough times, you're strong, you're going to get through this! Have you started making plans for the split to happen? I know you have said you were giving some time until the new year to process things and make decisions. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to make space for you? Can you sleep separately? Go out on your own? It does sound like he's in denial, and dealing poorly with his feelings and trying to hold on to what little shred of security he feels he's got in the relationship. Try to hang on!! You're moving forward, even if it feels like a snail's pace right now.
The problem is he's happy to chase women. That was why he went away for a few days. He's been hitting on women, and getting turned down. I'm his fallback. He strikes out, he comes running back to me. I think he'd give up on us if he was seeing someone. But I'm not supposed to see anyone. I go out and he chucks a tantrum. I'm having lunch dates, and having to hide that fact. I've already told her that right now I'm not interested in anything serious with her (for those that read my blog, D), my mind is too much on someone else (J), but we are spending time together. I can't tell him that. Getting out without him today was ridiculously hard, and led to the confrontation in the supermarket. Because he didn't know where I was. He chucked a tantrum because I dropped in on J at work (as I do every Wednesday) because I didn't tell him I was going there. I, quite literally, snuck out of town today too. Just had to get away for a few hours. D was even at our son's graduation. She didn't come in, and I didn't even know she was there till she rang me afterwards. She was in her car in the carpark when we went in, just making sure everything was ok. Tomorrow night is my grandies school concert and I'm going there with J. That will be another tantrum. Friday J and I are going for a drive. That will be another tantrum. He's trying to claim possession. I don't have a spare room, right now the only option is one of us on the couch. but that has to wait till after school ends for the year. And I'm not giving up my bed! Right now I'm sleeping down the other end of the bed. That's the best I can manage right now. I need to get away for a few days, but money is so tight, I can't do it. I don't even have Christmas organized yet, and I have no idea what I'm getting the kids. It's not going to be much, that's for sure This is just getting to me. I think he's willing to go to his dad's on his own for Christmas, which will be a relief. I've told him that I'm not willing to go on Christmas day and spend the day pretending. But I think he'll place so much pressure on me in the days leading up But what he really wants is for this to go away. He wants me to not be gay. He says he likes who I am now, except for the whole being gay part. And the not sleeping with him part. He got angry this morning when i turned him down. He refuses to call me gay or lesbian, and hates it when I say it. He came very close to outing me to the kids tonight too. He's leaving me with no choice. I'll be telling them on the weekend. Before he does. All hell is going to break loose very soon. Christmas is going to be a disaster. I just want this over. ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 01:06 AM ---------- But I'm not backing down.
Good for you. Don't back down and don't let him intimidate you or bully you into anything you don't want to do. He is clearly struggling with this, but that does not make his behavior acceptable. And the outing thing...oy. I had the same thing with my husband. When I told him I wanted to leave, he threatened to out me to my family and on social media, etc. So I took the power away from him and outed myself before he could do it. On the one hand, it pissed me off because he forced me to come out before I was really wanting to...but on the other hand, I was glad that it happened sooner rather than later, because I felt so relieved afterwards. I realized that trying to keep it a secret was just adding to the shame I was feeling, and when I came out into the open with it, the shame went away. Him trying to use it as weapon to hurt me was still pretty crappy, though. I feel you on that one.
I guess it's natural for our significant other to want things to "go back" to the way they were when they felt completely safe and secure. Mine says that to me all the time. She doesn't get that the way things were involved me ignoring my needs and not paying attention to or fighting harder for things that I wanted and just giving in to her. I can't go back to that.
Oh man. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It's just so very, very hard to do. Just know that there are better days ahead, and we are all here for you. (&&&)
So, he tells me off for not sharing with him, but when he queries a new bracelet and necklace I have and tells me off for "wasting money" on them and I tell him they were given to me, he accuses me of lying and storms out if the room. Apparently that's why we're not doing well, because I'm lying about everything. I'm guessing the convos we have had this morning haven't helped. I've told him outright I'm not sleeping with anyone right now so he has no chance there. That's something I need to remove from the equation completely. And I let it slip that I'm out of town on Friday and he automatically expected to go. He was not happy that I'm going with my friend. He really isn't happy that I have found an amazing friend in J and we spend so much time together. All the time we reasonably can. She jumped at the chance to go with me tonight when I mentioned I was going. I daren't mention that I'm going to the grandies school concert with her tonight. Not mentioning that I'm spending Saturday with her too. He's so jealous of anything I do with anyone else, including my own kids. I'm moving on, he's standing still.
(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) I have nothing to say, just hugs. I hope you get out of this situation soon.
Wow...(((((((((((( mirror ))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're having all this strife! This all sounds so incredibly painful. Surely there was a day when he seemed like a reasonable, nice, loveable person. I would hold onto those days (and maybe even throw them in his face)...because living with a completely intolerable arsehead is, um, intolerable. There is a *lot* here...emotion...power dynamic...social dynamic...logistics...tons of stuff. Are you (either or both of you) seeing a therapist? One who specializes in LGBT issues? Because it seems to me like going blind with such a volatile person is a *really* bad idea.
THeres no suitable counsellors in this area, and certainly not at this time of year. This area is very good at ignoring lgbt issues completely. We don't exist. Sadly, I've been through worse and this time my kids are old enough to speak out if needed. And I'm a lot stronger than I was last time around, and I wont back down. I'll get through, and I don't need to worry about him trying anything physical, as I have two adult sons in the house. They would quite literally pick him up and throw him out. I just need to vent sometimes. It's damn frustrating. He's settled one thing though. It's over, completely and utterly for me. He knows it. He isn't at that point yet. He's in denial, all while chatting up other women. Meh.
He is being a total asshat. He can date but you can't? The hell? I don't think his actions are in the normal range for straight spouses, I think they are worse. Best wishes for you on the speediest separation possible.
