How did you know what to do?

Good morning Em and welcome to EC. This is a great place to get your jumble on and I am sure you will receive tons of positive and insight from other members. You are correct there are many women and also men that are going through similar situations here - married/kids/questioning - common theme here. It is safe here, put it out there you will truly find you are not alone. Welcome - J

 

Hey there

Yeah, it can be tough, particularly when you have a 'nice' life with your partner. nothing per se is wrong and yet, on some almost sub concious level everything does feel 'wrong.' That feeling of being trapped is one I was very familiar with at one point.

As far as your title question of knowing what to do goes, for myself I simply reached a point where I couldn't hide from certain aspects of myself any longer. I loved my husband, he was my best friend and still is. I met a woman who I simply couldn't deny my feelings towards. My so-called 'trigger.' And after that, even though nothing happened physically with her I just knew I couldn't be with him any more. It was a deeply painful realisation with lots of self-doubt and second-guessing but it was the truth.

A year later, it still is. There's no easy advice here, your situation may not have the same resolution, but the key thing is just to allow yourself to examine your own feelings as honestly and openly as possible. It can be very difficult to do so without succumbing to guilt and fear. But just try to be gentle with yourself.

 

Hi emorlee, and welcome!

You are not alone...not by a long ways. You will see that there are many, many people here who have gone through exactly what you are describing. Many of us here have denied our sexuality all of our lives (for various reasons) and then were surprised when it all came out again later in life. It is quite common. No matter how well you think you've buried something, it never stays buried forever.

I totally get what you're saying about the life you have not being so terrible and yet, something is undeniably wrong. I think that's common as well. It's like you are living someone else's script, rather than your own. It's been described as like being in the wrong skin or wearing the wrong shoes on the wrong feet. They may be perfectly nice shoes, but they are not YOURS. And they don't fit.

And yeah, the penetration thing...liking penetration is by no means an indicator that you are straight or even bi. There's a lot more to sexuality than that. Many lesbians enjoy penetration, and there is no shortage of toys out there for that exact purpose. But I understand the confusion...I had it too!

You'll find that EC is a very welcoming and supportive place, and there are people here at all different parts of their journeys. You are not alone! I agree with Foxsong in that guilt and fear will be your biggest enemies on your journey. People hit that wall and can get stuck for years. It's a killer.

Try not to let guilt and fear paralyze you, and try to be gentle with yourself in this process. It's a lot to take in, but people here have been through it and are very supportive and understanding and can help.

 

Hang in there. Hugs.

 

Hello so much of your story resonates with me -
I'm 42 and just woke up ..
I too did not realise that so many people come out later -
I guess it makes sense as we know ourselves better and become more acclimatised to what is really true ...
I never enjoyed sex within my long term relationships with males - I always found it disconnected and unequal - something I 'endured'
In so relieved to be free from that -
I can hear your emotion in your story and know you are not alone even when it really feels that way --
Does your partner know u were identifying as bi sexual ?

 

Hey fellow Aussie

Yeah. I get it. We're not who we thought we were and it's scary.

Talk to us, talk it through. You'll figure it out

 

Hey welcome to EC, don't feel silly that you thought you were alone, it so much feels like that especially when you are first dealing with these things. My story is not exactly the same as yours I have never been married or dated men but I didn't figure out I was gay until I was in my mid twenties (see to me this sounds ridiculous) and I only started to come to terms with everything when I joined EC so you are in the best place possible. I hope we can help you on your journey

 

Hey Emorlee. Welcome to EC.

I sure wish I had an answer to your question about how to know what to do. So far, one thing I've learned is to let myself grow into this new me. I'm new on this journey, but not new in this world Woke up to a new me at 43. I'm married, with kids, and... bisexual. SURPRISE! It's been mostly a mess of hurt. Panic attacks began before the realization of who I am, and the uncontrollable crying came right upon the heels of recognizing what was going on.

There's no need to apologize for your jumble, here. (*hug*)

 

Thanks for sharing so honestly. This is difficult but at least we're not alone!

---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 01:53 PM ----------

I am attracted to the more "butch" lesbians. Not sure how it all.works...lol

 

So much of what you've said is very much like my story. I do think I'm bi, but I think if I were not married, I would gravitate toward women. I also really like penetration during sex. :icon_redf

 

31 here and although me and my ex split up before I came to terms with my sexuality. I know where you are coming from. Its took me a year to get to the point where I can say I'm gay and be ok with it some days I'm still not. I think you should be kind to yourself but you are definitely not alone.

 

Don't worry about the penetration thing. It doesn't mean you're any less or more gay. It took me months to realize this (overcoming some arguments from my spouse) but it is not a 'deal breaker' or 'evidence.' It's a lot to come to grips with all at once but you don't have to worry about that part of it (easier said than done, especially in the beginning).

The part about never really 'perving' on men made me LOL. Good point!

---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 10:19 PM ----------

more on strap-ons from the Anonymous forum:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/199413-lesbians-strap-ons.html

 

I'm sorry you are feeling like it might be better/easier to hide. I felt like that for a long time (college through 18 months ago)... so much that when I did rediscover my interest in women, it was really shocking to me.

I've gone through periods over the last 18 months where I felt very trapped and stifled in my life. Kids, husband, job, house... it all felt so overwhelming and not like what I wanted. And I felt really guilty because I was feeling like I hated it all, when it was exactly what I had always wanted. I made up my mind during that time to stop hiding. I was trying to put myself into a box (it was much smaller than a closet and contained so many things I was afraid to share with others), and I was so afraid of what might happen if I let myself out.


So, while I'm not officially out of the closet with everyone, I am at the point where if anyone asked, I'd answer honestly, and if anyone misidentified me as straight, I think I'd correct them. I've mentioned female celebrities I thought were really good looking, and among people who have no idea that I'm bi (at least from me telling them), said that I'd sleep with them given the chance.

I've become much more vocal on facebook about issues I care about. In the past, I'd have been too afraid of offending someone to post even 10% of what I post now.

I'm making more time for social things for me, and my husband and I have been more open about my fantasies, going so far as to try to kind of role play some of them. And coincidentally, he's had some fantasies about me being with a women (with him in a spectator role, but still).

Making progress has helped me feel less trapped, and as my good friends here remind me, we have to let the guilt go as much as we can, and we have to make sure that we are living life for ourselves as much as for our families.

I hope you can find peace in your life. (*hug*)

 

I haven't totally figured out how I feel about either scenario. On the one hand, having him share an experience with me might be really wonderful. On the other hand, it might be something I'd rather do alone. I can see both sides of it. For us (at least right now), we've decided that there are too many difficulties with having small children around for there to really be a way to open up our marriage right now. I think we are going to wait until our kids are much older and not needing us around every second before we even contemplate anything else.

I'm going to reserve the right to change the time line if I start to feel more desperate again, but it's been better since I started just trying to consciously be myself more often - I spend a lot of time in my head, and I would second guess everything I did/said around others.

It's nice to be able to at least tell him about my fantasies, and I think over time, he's becoming more desensitized to the idea that I might at some point be with someone who isn't him. Whether it ends up being my bff or someone else (or even how to go about meeting someone else) is a whole different issue...