This isn't completely related to sexuality, but i like you guys! I am in therapy, and my therapist wanted me to try to do the Artist's Way book (and she's doing it as well), and one of the main things you do is write every day at least 3 pages. I started it this past week and UGH, i HATE IT SO MUCH. I have tried doing this years ago, and hated it then too The first night was fine, since i haven't written in my journal in months and months, but after that was me vacillitating between pure anger at how stupid i am for even thinking i have "problems" when my life is pretty good and privelaged, and writing I AM BORING and I AM NOTHING. I always feel like I just don't have much of an interior landscape, so to speak. My life is extremely boring, and one would think "Ok, well you can change that," except I don't even know how I want to change that or if i REALLY want to. I mean, i've lived in this semi-alive state for the past 12 years. My therapist calls it chronic depression. I call it "me." My confusion on my sexuality is woven throughout all of this as well. I feel like I can't move on if I don't figure it out, except going round and round in circles in my mind endlessly doesn't get me anywhere. I really wish there was a check-list where if you answer "yes" to X amount of questions, you might not be straight. Sigh. I don't even know what I am asking for here. Most stories I read here are the opposite of what i've experienced. My senior year of college, a friend kissed me one night and said she had feelings for me. I told her I was straight and just really liked cuddling. In december of that year, i went to her parent's house on break, and we went out drinking. When we got back, we shared a bed up in her parent's attic. This wasn't that unusual, as before she kissed me, we shared a bed often (literally it was just us passing out after parties). Anyway, I wasn't asleep, but had my eyes closed, and she whispered to me that she wish she knew what I was thinking. I was drunk, but I remember hoping maybe she'd kiss me. BUT, that was one fleeting and drunk moment. The next day she told me that i was sending her mixed signals, and once again, apologized. I have no idea if I was just scared of what it meant, or wrote it off as a drunken thought, or what. Anyway, the next year she went back to school and cut off our friendship. From reading all these stories on here, I guess she did the right thing for herself, as I am guessing I was her "trigger crush." Except, I was d-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-e-d by this loss in friendship. It still can make me a little sad 12 years later. Its a moot point anyway because she's married now (to a man). I'm rambling! Anyway, i haven't even tried dating anyone since the summer after I graduated college. And that was a spectacular fail because i was too afraid of anything beyond making out, and a little more forthcoming when I was drunk--but still stopped myself at a certain point. This was and is a good dude, too. Once I broke it off with him, I basically turned into a hermit. I just wish I knew what I wanted in my life, because I have been in this "stuck" place for so long that I actually can not see a way out of it, or even if I truly WANT a way out of it. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I have a job and can pay my bills, even if my bank account gets dangerously low often. I have a cat that I love, and a couple of good friends. What more can I ask for, you know?
Finally! someone who feels like I do! it is sad, but good to know. I too have a job, a family and a boyfriend and all that, but something inside is smothering me Like a void that no matter what I throw at it, it doesn't get better. Didn't even think there is anyone who can understand. You should talk to someone. they may not be able to give a solution but at least it will make you feel better.
YES. I do see a therapist, and she's great, but its only an hour a week--and there are so many other hours to try and fill up, you know?
We are constructed in relationship to our context. Lots of people can't be anything in a vacuum. So don't blame yourself or feel weird if you don't have an extensive interior landscape if you have a simple exterior landscape. Which it sounds like you do. Change your exterior landscape, and don't fuss over the interior right now. Unless something is stimulating you externally, your void may not change. What I'm saying: try new things, meet a few new people, and date someone regardless of gender. If you can't muster up the energy to try new stuff, you might be depressed. Try psychiatry not therapy.
Hmmm, that is a good way of looking at it Caps! I actually DID change my exterior, by joining a roller derby team (!!!). My therapist is very excited for me, and I oddly have no real feelings about it yet, probably because its so new and so hard and i can't imagine actually playing on the team even though i know its months and months and months of learning until you play anyway. I am on meds, too.
One way to combat the "dead inside" feeling is to share something very personal, even secret, about yourself with someone. I guess a therapist is a good place to start, but it shouldn't end there. A therapist can usually spot a flicker in you and can tell you what makes you "come alive". Deadness usually comes from having been rejected, hurt or not encouraged or loved for the person you are inside. Don't give up.
I've gone through periods of that too. I still fight feeling like I'm just going through the motions sometimes. It's gotten better since a low point last January/February. I started a book club and promised myself to be braver in my speech and actions, sexuality/politically/etc. including on Facebook. I also started working on one of those adult coloring books in the last few weeks. It's been a good meditative practice for me.
Bingo! I was wondering when I first read your post if you have to worry about others reading your writings. I do not have a safe space to physically journal so I use not only EC but also an free online journal Penzu. Anything that can help you to get feelings out, writing, coloring, doodling, singing, can be incredibly therapeutic. I wish you well in rekindling the life and light inside. - J
Well I saw my therapist yesterday and told her how this just feels like how life is supposed to be, that is who i am. She emphatically told me that no, its depression, and i've been depressed so long that it feels normal. HMMPH. She said I can argue at her all I'd like, but she's not going to change her mind. She said that with the type I have (dysthymia), it is just a flat affect. You feel like its glass half-empty all of the time, and don't get excited about anything, and are bored, which is something I told her that I feel about myself. I just am boring!!! She said non-depressed people may have glass half-empty days, but they also have glass half-full days, and can feel a range of emotion. I don't know, its hard to believe for myself for some reason. I want it to be my own doing, and i am the one who dug myself into this isolated place in my life.
Hey depression is a disease you didn't dig yourself into anything. Brain chemicals are really rough on some people. I have an anxiety disorder, I feel intense fear out of proportion to threats in a daily basis. Once I let go of the idea that I was causing this to myself things got a lot better. The subconscious is a weird place, just go one step at a time.
