This is going to be pretty long, so thank you in advance for reading. As I said in my introduction this morning, I am in a place I didn't expect to ever be, and have emotions swirling like crazy and feel like an absolute hot mess. I am already comforted by what I have read here, and basically just need a safe place to express myself. I have always identified as straight. I see attractive things about women but never thought about having a serious relationship with a woman. My parents divorced when I was 13 because my father cheated, and he told me he couldn't relate to me because he was never a teenage girl and that was the last I ever saw him. Then I met my first love and we dated through two years of high school and then the long distance in college forced him to find someone else so he made up lies that I had cheated on him so he had to break up with me. Then I reconnected with a high school crush and we ended up getting married, but unfortunately we both didn't agree to being monogamous and when I confronted him he basically said yeah I cheated so what. So I divorced him and he promptly married one of the women he cheated on me with, though she was soon divorced from him too! I thought this was normal behavior, that something was wrong with me that I wasn't enough! So I was pleasantly surprised when I met my 2nd husband for he was nothing like any of them. He was older than me, kind, fun, and I felt safe that he would never cheat on me. It was such a relief to have that knowledge! I was in love with him and loved him deeply. We had a baby and built a house and then eventually had a second baby. Now one is 13 and the other is 9. We have been together 18 years, married for 16. Eventually as kids got older we got busier with activities and there was more family time and less couple time. We had various ups and downs as most married people do, and slowly things became less passionate in all areas of our lives. I thought my drive was low due to some hormone issues. He gained weight and didn't feel attractive, or other things happened that I thought was normal. Then I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells, that I was more a roommate than a wife, and began to feel like something was missing. Then my work situation became very toxic and my husband and I did not agree on me quitting for the sake of my health. We also began to have more fights about ridiculous things. He is not tolerant of the LGBTQ lifestyle and would say awful comments about gay people. He once told our son he couldn't have a pink ball to play miniature golf because boys shouldn't like pink. He has said he hopes our children don't bring home the same gender, that isn't normal. I have always been infuriated by these comments and said I would still love them, that you can't help who you love. Ha! So anyway, I had been drifting apart from him for quite awhile. I had tried several times to reach out to him but he wouldn't talk about it or brushed it off. I figured this was just his way and gradually just stopped trying. I thought this is how a marriage became after nearly 20 years. I wasn't happy but I thought it was me so I just smooshed my feelings and tried to make everyone else happy. I did not ever cheat on him and he never cheated me. So then I began writing a blog and met another writer who had had many things happen in her life that were similar to mine, especially that we had both lost our mothers. We began emailing and became close very quickly. We would each tell the other things we had never shared with anyone! There was a very strong connection. Then she admitted to me she was a lesbian, and at first I was unconcerned by that. Then somehow our emails shifted and we became closer and more intense. I began to be confused by the emotions I would feel after seeing her name in my mailbox, and reading her beautiful words. I didn't want to admit it but I was falling in love with her. So I told her I can't go there, I am married and straight (she was also married at the time but had also been unhappy for awhile.) And said some hateful things and she said fine she will leave me alone and I completely panicked at the thought of not having her in my life! So over 6 months we have had an emotional affair. I am not proud of this but she makes me very happy and makes me feel things I have never felt ever before. I am no longer in love with my husband and haven't been for some time, long before I met her. So I was planning to talk to my husband after the holidays to tell him I was unhappy. However he decided to ask me if I was having an affair last week. I denied the affair but for some Godforsaken reason I decided to tell him I was unhappy and considering a divorce! So naturally he was heartbroken and provided all the reasons why I can't just walk away, I need to give him a chance, we have two beautiful children, we have been together so long, his family loves me, his life changed when he met me, etc. I feel so guilty when I was trying to make this Christmas less sad for everyone, and because he doesn't deserve to be hurt like this. I am struggling because I don't want to give him a chance but feel like I should. I don't want to hurt him. I don't know if I should tell him I am questioning my preference because of his intolerance and I am afraid of him using that against me though it would end our marriage immediately. I wonder if I should just say I am not in love with him and we have drifted too far for too long to get back to each other. Our daughter was very mean to him this morning and it broke my heart because he said to me later he realized he had acted like that with me and it's no wonder I would hate him. He is trying so hard and my heart isn't in it to receive it. I want to lean on A but she is also going through some stuff so I feel my stuff is upsetting her more. I just can't even imagine how I am going to get over this huge mountain of guilt (my A's words) and make a decision. I am finally meeting her this week so I am hopeful that will give me some clarity. I am very much afraid of this change and being hated by everyone I love. Yet I am more afraid of not having A in my life. I need her like air. I believe she is my true love. I believe I am meant to be with her. I feel complete already just knowing her in emails. If you made it this far thank you! I appreciate you "listening." I have cried and felt so lost all weekend, and just don't know what is the best thing to do or the next step.
Oh geez that is a difficult situation! You say you are meeting the lady? I think the way things are so intense between you too, you could easily end up in bed together. Have you set up any boundaries with each other? Since you are still trying to figure out your feelings, would it make sense to slow it down a little bit and not let it progress from an emotional to a physical affair? Unfortunately, before leaving a marriage, I think you owe it to yourself, your husband and your kids to make sure you are doing so for the right reasons. If this person had not come into your life, would you still consider leaving? Are there things that can be improved in your marriage so that it will better meet your needs? I understand. I suddenly found myself having very strong feelings for a lesbian I went to grad school with 8 years ago. However, my marriage is not unhappy enough for me to justify leaving. My crush is also going through a lot of stuff right now with the death of her grandmother. She basically put the brakes on things, and I am grateful for it now. It might be good to take some space from the woman in order for you to have to time to evaluate your feelings. Just my 2 cents. Hopefully other people will chime in too. It's always good to get different perspectives. Best wishes. It sounds like a painful situation!!! I also am married with 2 kids, ages 12 and 9. It certainly complicates things, doesn't it?
Thanks for replying Anicole! Had this woman not come into my life I would not be here. I would have just continued on being more unhappy than happy but safe. I would not have sought someone else. This relationship was completely unexpected. We will not be able to be physical just now but I do agree it would make things more complicated.
This is a very tender situation. From how your husband had realized he was mean with you before, it means he has realized he made a mistake in it, and recognizing is the first step of recovery. From there you could try to kick-start the relationship. Compliment each other more, etc. Give him another chance; even if only to keep an eye on how things go. On the other hand, if it all works out with Angelina (I feel uncomfortable calling people a single letter), there is a whole different course of action that might be taken. I hve nk idea what to do with this, but please please don't do anything you might feel guilty about afterward. Married couples who have loved and been together a long time can often see such things quite quickly, and it sounds as though you are now reviving your marriage. Don't miss the chance; he might get to fixing his past troubles, and he'll need you with him. You owe him another chance after 20 years, right? I'd say, go meet Angelina, and then report on how it went.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time! First, I think you need to slow down a little bit. The only thing that has happened that you can't take back is that you told your husband you are unhappy. So right now you have quite a few options open. I recommend the following: - Meet up with your friend. See if there are sexual sparks without cheating, if you can. I know that's complicated but in many cases you can feel physical chemistry before you actually get physical. If there ARE sparks you will at least know a piece of information about yourself (that you are indeed bi or lesbian). - Slow things down with your friend. Try and take a break to work on your marriage APART from your relationship with her. You will feel much better about the process afterward.
^^ I agree with what CapColors said. A big part of thinking through everything has to do with dealing first with your current relationship.
