Hi everyone, So, for all the women out there who aren't 100 percent straight (I consider myself bisexual) --does it ever tire you to constantly have to cater to a straight friend's fixation on hot guys? This particularly frustrates me because the friend in question in my case is my crush (she knows that I have felt this way about her and was fine with it). She is probably 99 percent straight (she had one girl crush recently (not on me) that surprised her). Now, all we talk about are guys: Her fantasy guys, her celebrity crushes. For her own comfort, I've stopped talking about being bi, because I don't want to freak her out. She also thinks my bi feelings represent something deeper than a sexual preference --that there is a spiritual component involved (I would actually agree with this)--but it's not only a spiritual component, if that makes sense. I have definitely been attracted to various women throughout my life, even when I was growing up and didn't have a name for my feelings. So, tonight, I've been listening to her chat privately with me on Facebook about her latest celebrity fixation, but I find it wearying. Like with so many other people in my life, I feel like I'm shutting down a part of myself in order to help the straight people feel more comfortable. Ironically, I should add--she finds two guys together hot, so we talk about that, too, but never about two women. Women never seem to factor into the conversation in any way. This is why I take comfort in forums like this, and with people like you. I find it difficult to express my authentic feelings about being bi in my everyday life (and I'm not out to anyone, except my husband and this particular friend). I often wonder at how isolating it would have been to have had this revelation about my sexual identity pre-Internet. Anyway, I just had to share this thought.
Share away BBG, from the male perspective it is not much different. I play hockey in a men's league - the constant chatter in the locker room is never ending. Fortunately we have a woman on the team this year so the chatter has cleaned up but it's tough being in your situation. - J
Personally I find all idle chatter about who is hot and who is not dreadfully boring irrespective of sex or sexual orientation. I don't have any urge to talk about my girl or boy crushes' looks.
I try to make a few female friends, and I've come out to one of them, so we constantly talk about guys. Maybe make a hot guy bestie who talks about girls?
I've been braver lately about sharing women I think are hot. It's kind of fun (especially after a glass or two of wine).
I know what you mean. Actually, that one (hot guys) doesn't bother me so much, as I am bisexual with a female partner...so hot guys is an ok topic of discussion/fantasy. The straight narratives that tick me off are mostly lunchtime conversations about partners/spouses. Always the conversations with men nitpicking their wives' faults, or women kvetching about their husbands. Once with a group of women, I just lost it and said, "well, y'know how I dealt with that...my partner is a woman...no issues with <fill-in-the-male-centric-kvetch>. It's like so much strife and turmoil in the world seems to revolve around men trying to live with women and vice versa, that it seems so much more sensible for *everyone* to live with a same-sex partner, and just *visit* each other for sex. But since they can't bring themselves to go there, they think it's perfectly ok to just blast their partners, and the rest of us will smile and nod, if not actively join in. Ugh.
Ugh, yeah, that drives me crazy, too; I think it's some sort of bonding ritual for people to complain about their partners/spouses. Between that and people who talk constantly about their kids (I'm not a parent) I often feel like a fish out of water, basically. Yet, it's rare that those same people will inquire about my life, or even have so much as a curiosity.
Yeah the glass or two of wine has been known to open me up. I start talking about women, dancing with women. My hetero friends look at me like deer in headlights. But yet I'm still afraid to come out to them (cuz the whole married to a guy thing, it's too confusing for everyone involved). Sigh...
I think it's frustrating because I'm not out and I have a huge crush on an out friend and our mutual girl friends constantly talk about hot guys and we're both kinda awkward in the corner... it's super uncomfortable for me and she just throws out a hot woman and they laugh, but i just hang around.
I'm curious about the spiritual component to your sexuality. That sounds deep and meaningful and I might too have something to share regarding my spirtual component.
Hi baddech, The spiritual component is something I am still trying to figure out. Someone posted here a week or two ago about her imaginary girlfriend; it was a beautiful meditation, and so her description is as close as I've ever come to reading something that touches upon that spiritual, searching aspect (for me, anyway). Speaking for myself, the spiritual aspect of my sexuality seems to intertwine with the seeking I feel I am doing spiritually generally, if that makes sense. I don't think they /have/ to be related, necessarily; but when you are searching for meaning in your life, I think sexual identity and attractions can certainly play into that. The question 'Who am I?' can encompass so much. The problem with the straight narrative most of us are fed early on in life, which is something that is also reflected among many, if not most of our family, friends, acquaintances, as well as culturally at large --is that we are never presented with an alternative script as to how our lives might end up. We aren't presented with an alternative perspective, for example: 'You've had so many crushes on women over the years; have you considered that you might be bi or lesbian?' Generally speaking, we tend to feel shame about these feelings and bury them, all the while striving for 'normalcy'. There is a part of our lives, a deep part--unexpressed and unrealized. It's stifling. So, I think self-actualization can be a part of spiritual seeking and also of trying to discern one's sexuality. That's been my experience, at least. I'd be interested in hearing yours, if you are comfortable sharing.
Biblondgirl: Well you got the nail on the head. I'm still discovering as well because life is a process but for me the spiritual component for my sexuality is in the same realm you described searching for the who am i. I wish i had more to add but that's all i can think of right now. But that certainly resonated with me.
Yeah, i grow weary of that as well. And it's hard because I'm not even out to most people (I think most of my circle of friends knows I'm bi, but they still feed into the male attractions and now that I'm questioning just how bi I actually am, I feel like such a fraud in joining in). I think the biggest problem for me is that playing along feels so inauthentic and I long for authenticity.
Yes, I totally hear you. I've listened to friends/acquaintances/coworkers/etc. gushing over guys a million times over the years, but if I ever bring up a hot woman I find attractive, it's followed by an awkward silence. Even among friends who try to be understanding, heteronormativity rules supreme. It's frustrating. The thing is, straight people have never had to live in a world where their viewpoint wasn't treated as the default. It's pretty hard to overcome as just one person, but I'm trying to get better about pushing back against it.
