Finally starting to figure myself out

This is a post I've been meaning to write for a little while now, but I thought I'd share my story (so far) with you all...

I'm 29, and up until about a year and a half ago, never had any question that I was straight. Then I started playing roller derby. More than half the girls in my team are lesbians, or otherwise non-straight, and just over a year ago I started to question my sexuality. It sounds almost clichéd to say I started playing roller derby and then started wondering if I was gay. The most obvious reason I can think of is that, until that point, I didn't really know any lesbians. It was almost like I knew in theory that lesbians existed, but they seemed a little like mystical creatures that I'd never come across.

Also, growing up, I was such a straight-laced good girl - I loved school, did well at it, did what my parents told me, never had a teenage rebellion phase, didn't drink alcohol until I went to uni - I basically did exactly what was expected of me by my teachers, parents, society etc, and never thought to question anything about my life, or push the boundaries at all.

Last summer, I started slightly fancying one of the girls on my team - it was a fairly short term thing, but it certainly got me thinking. And then I noticed that, actually, I was much more likely to notice a girl at work etc who I thought was hot, than a guy.

Throughout this time, I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of the last 5 years, which was the first long term relationship I'd ever had. It was great, we got on really well, have been living together for the last few years. Over the last year or so, I had really started questioning the relationship - whether we wanted the same things out of life etc, and I ended things a few months ago. While the fact that I was pretty sure we wanted different things from life was definitely one of the main factors in my splitting up with him, another contributing factor was that I was starting to feel really claustrophobic, and like I just needed time and space to myself for a while, to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. My questioning my sexuality was a part of this, but I don't think I realised how big a part until after we'd split up (when he asked me if this journey of self-discovery was something I had to do alone or whether we could do it together, and I realised that the sexuality questioning was the main reason I needed to do it alone). Over the last year or two of our relationship, I had also really lost interest in sex, and I wonder whether the sexuality thing was also part of that.

So I'm now single (and very happy that ending the relationship was the right decision), and trying to figure myself out.

Looking back, there are certain things that make sense now that I realise I'm probably not as straight as I always thought I was - from about the age of 10, I had a number of (I guess) crushes on women - there were a few teachers, my young leader at guides, an older girl in a school play I was in, a couple of girls that I worked with in various jobs (actually, thinking back now, it seems there were a lot), but they were always older than me, and usually in a position of responsibility, and I think I just assumed that it was an admiration thing, and I just wanted to be like them. But at the same time, I never spoke to anyone about how I felt about these people - like maybe I knew it wasn't quite normal. I cringe now when I think back, because although I never said anything, I'm sure it was pretty obvious in some of my behaviours - some of them I wrote letters to for a good while (I do wonder what my parents thought about that!).

I also hardly ever fancied a guy. There was one guy at school I fancied throughout my time at school. Pretty much every guy I've ever been involved with, I have become interested in them once they started showing me attention - it wasn't like I'd fancied them for ages, but more that they became attractive to me once it was clear they liked me. I was also a bit of a late bloomer when it came to guys - I didn't kiss anyone until I was 18, and didn't have sex for the first time until I was 20. I was the one who was perpetually single at school, while all my friends were coupling up.

Up until recently, there hadn't been a girl who I particularly liked - there were a few people who I thought were quite nice, and wouldn't have said no if they asked me for a drink. My view on my sexuality was that maybe I quite liked girls, and maybe I wasn't as straight as I thought, but I really wasn't sure. But a few weeks ago I went away for the weekend with some friends and met a girl who basically made me go 'Holy shit, she is amazing and I am most definitely not as straight as I thought I was!'. It was a bit of an epiphany. Unfortunately she appears to be straight, and so I don't think I'm in with a chance there (although part of me reminds me that I'd have said the same about myself not all that long ago, so who knows!). She also probably thinks I'm straight - some of the friends who we were with were a great support during my break up, and so it came up in conversation a few times. But I also felt that my attraction to her was so blatant that weekend that I kept expecting one of my friends (who are gay) to pull me up on it and say 'hey, what's going on here?'. But maybe the fact that they seemingly all think I am totally straight (that's another issue to be dealt with!) means they didn't pick up on it like that,

So now I'm in a situation of being massively smitten by a girl who I'm pretty sure I have no chance with (and oh my word, I'd forgotten that it was possible to like someone that much! It nice to remember it's possible!), being almost certain that I'm not as straight as I spent the first 28 years of my life assuming I was, but not sure exactly how 'not straight' that is, and at times a bit emotionally overwhelmed by it all.

Some days I'm fine, and can't remember why any of it is even an issue, and other days, I go round like I'm in my own little bubble, disconnected entirely from the world and just feeling hopelessly low.

On the whole, I'm happy that I am seemingly finally starting to figure myself out. I know it's going to be a long journey. I thought I'd share my story, as I know that this is a place I'll be able to find the support I sometimes need. At times, I feel like my head is going to explode, and I just need to talk to someone about it all!

 

Yes, I really do appreciate that I am in a very fortunate position, being surrounded by queer people. To be honest, if I wasn't, I don't think I'd have come to this realisation, I'd probably have just carried on, assuming I was straight, and wondering what it was that seemed to be missing.

Weirdly though, I'm actually finding it very difficult to bring this up and discuss it with some of my (wonderful and have looked after me so much over the last few months) lesbian friends - part of me feels like I won't be taken seriously, which is ridiculous, and I know wouldn't be the case. Maybe there's something a little disconcerting being surrounded by so many gay people who have been confident about their sexuality for years - a lot of them are my sort of age, but married, and thinking about having kids. I guess I feel like I'm a bit late to the party. I'm going to really work on talking to these friends about it. And also work on trying to figure out a way to see this girl again - unfortunately she's not someone I will end up seeing again by chance, so I need to try and orchestrate a way.

CameOutSwinging - yep - I think pretty much every relationship (or dating situation) I've been in with a guy has been as a result of that. Thinking back, I can only think of one guy in my life who I've really fancied. And the more I think about it, the more girls I think of who I had massive crushes on. Up to about 12 at the moment. Seriously, makes you wonder how I didn't realise any of this before.

bi2me - don't worry, I'll keep you updated

 

Houdini - are you living my life?! I've read through some of your previous posts, and yes, it's all so familiar - it's reassuring to know that someone else is going through pretty much the exact same things.

Yep - everyone's sexuality is generally questioned in derby - as a rule, you don't assume anyone is straight, but because I had a boyfriend, and seem pretty straight up, everyone pretty much did assume I was and I'm now going to have to say 'er, guys...'. A few months ago, someone on the team referred to me as the 'long time straight person' (this was before I was confident enough that I wasn't to even have discussed it with anyone), and I was a little put out by that!