It's been a long week (an update, if you will)

So, about a week ago I posted about how my "wife" said to me "You're happiest when you identify as gay" and how that really had me thinking about things and feeling kind of hopeful.

Here's the update. Bail now if you're not ready for it to get complicated.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

So, on Monday night I bring up to her what she said and how I've been thinking about it a lot. She got angry with me, told me that I "misunderstood" what she said (it was pretty straight forward, but okay) and generally killed any hope that I had for thinking that maybe she was coming around to understanding me.

Tuesday things are pretty normal (ha) until late that night. I fall asleep on the couch, as per usual, and around midnight she apparently tries to wake me up to come to bed. I don't remember this, to be honest. I only remember getting up and going to bed. By 12:30 though, I notice she's not in bed anymore. She's on the couch, crying. I ask what's wrong, and she tells me that I YELLED at her when she tried to get me to come to bed, saying that I was staying on the couch. Now, I legit don't remember this even remotely. I also don't think I meant anything major by it if it happened. But she took it to mean I didn't even want to be in bed with her specifically. So it upset her.

She eventually comes back to bed, but by 2 am she is sitting up again crying her eyes out about how she doesn't understand how we got here, how we've gotten so distant, etc. So we talk/argue a bit, and I told her that it was over. I can't do this anymore. We both seem to know I'm gay, and seeing her like this is too much. It was bad, and we eventually got her to calm down and went to sleep.

Wednesday morning we wake up, both late, and get into talking about things again. Basically the same stuff as just a few hours earlier. Eventually I suggest that we do need time apart. She suggests a separation. I suggest a break. I don't know what the difference really is, but she takes mine to mean break up and gets really upset, tells me I should say goodbye to the dog since it'll be awhile until I see her again (that hurt, a lot) and she leaves. I pack a bag, head to work a little late, and contemplate things.

I was sad. So sad. Possibly the saddest I've ever been when we've hit one of these moments. I don't know if it's because it felt more final, or because I was the one to do it this time (the other times, she kicked me out), but I just felt like a mess. Therapy that night didn't make things better, and I cried for the first time during a session. I went to my mom's afterwards and that definitely didn't help either (my mom, being my mom, asks me "how married life is going?"...um, I wouldn't be crashing at your apartment if it was going well!)

Anyway, on Thursday my "wife" and I are talking and we're both so sad and eventually we agree to hang out that night at the apartment. And we talk there and I'm thinking now if I was so sad about this, maybe I've been wrong. Maybe I can make things work with her. Maybe...maybe. Of course, maybe I'm just weak and spineless and couldn't commit to a decision I finally made that was probably the right decision. But I digress. So we decide to take some baby steps towards trying again.

Friday morning we have sex, sort of. First time in 40 days. Except we don't have intercourse. By my choice. Because the thought of it just felt weird to me. I'm so confused by this! I've never, ever had an issue with having sex with her before, and yet here I am, and it's not like physically it couldn't happen (we did other stuff, all fine, all be it I had a little bit of a feeling for wanting it to be over with during the actual act) but mentally I just didn't want it. I'm a horn dog. A good gust of wind gets me in the mood. But with her, the idea of it, I just couldn't go for it. Naturally, I'm freaking out a little here. Now I get that for me I've always needed an emotional connection with a woman to have sex with her, which is why I've only been with the two women who I've been in a relationship with. And obviously, emotionally, our relationship isn't great right now. So it could just be that.

Or could I have finally turned that gay corner? I mean, we all know even if I'm bi, on the spectrum, I lean more towards men than women. Kinsey 5, etc. etc. But did 40 days of no sex with women finally push me over? Did being so into a guy over the summer finally push me over? I haven't watched straight porn in months and I tried to yesterday, but realized if I'm just going to check out the guy in it anyway, why waste my time and not just go watch gay porn?

I've been honest with her about this stuff. Trying to talk to her with as much kindness as possible, because telling somebody that you feel more gay after having sex with them isn't exactly nice. But I felt like I had to be honest with what I am feeling. And we're figuring out what comes next. I think we're heading towards a real separation. I think I won't truly know what I want until I go and try the other life, try living and identifying as a gay man. We'll probably try to stay on friendly terms since missing each other doesn't actually solve anything in this case. She's offered to potentially talk to her parents about me staying in the extra apartment that's near them for a little while. I feel slightly guilty about the idea, but it also means not having to deal with my mom and having a chance to save up some money. A short term solution for sure. And she naturally asked that we not start seeing other people yet. I'm fine with that, since I don't exactly feel like I'm in a position to start dating. Though I suppose that could change.

I'm starting a group therapy in January for gay men coming out. It is an 8 week program and seems to be fairly small in terms of amount of people involved. I imagine there may be people with similar stories to mine there, and I look forward to it helping me maybe make some connections in addition to just figuring things out a bit. It's like EC but in real life.

Anyway, that's where we're at. This weekend was surprisingly nice with my "wife," minus all of the confusion. I guess maybe because more stuff is out there and so there's less anger. I don't know. A friend sent me a copy of the TV show I wrote/edited for our college TV station like 10 years ago, and I was so excited to watch it and relive that time! I showed it to my "wife" and she enjoyed it for what it is (apparently I still make some of the same jokes, haha) but she was bothered slightly by one of the main storylines involving the quarterback of the football team being in the closet and coming to terms with being gay during the series. She said "it's obviously been on your mind since back then!" Now truth is I was openly gay back then, but I didn't think pointing that out would get me points. She also told me that even if she didn't know I wasn't straight already, seeing that would have made her wonder even if there had been no other signs/red flags already. Weird to me, but whatever.

Thanks for reading, if you make it this far!