Over time, if some of you have followed my journey, there have been quite a bit of discussions about the feeling of neglect I had during my marriage. The attention my children's mother gave them at the expense of me, and the notion that my marriage was having issues in of itself before the whole notion of coming out of the closet came about. I have continued to give this a lot of thought, and have read so many of your stories about how many of you had difficult marriages as well. And the challenges you had during your marriages which you had expressed might have been mutually exclusive to your own coming out processes. For some reason, I had put a lot of emphasis on the neglect I felt from my family. And I seemed to have believed that they were responsible for this feeling of neglect. Yes, my wife was the primary caretaker of my children, yes she prioritized them over me and possibly did so more significantly that what should have otherwise been warranted. But I had a bit of an epiphany over the past week. And I am not sure why it is only now that I am realize that I am actually the one responsible for my own feeling of neglect. For 19 years, I had completely and totally neglected myself. I had built the emotional wall. I therefore put the needs of my children and their mother significantly ahead of my own. And I did so at the expense of my own happiness. Now that I am in control of my own destiny completely and totally, I now see that my own happiness is predicated on ensuring that I no longer neglect myself; and no one else is responsible but me. Yes, I will be caring of others; yes, I want my children to come around and re establish their relationship with me when it suits them; but I am single handedly responsible for the prior neglect I felt and am equally responsible for finding my own happiness and fulfillment. Going forward, this is exactly what I intend to do. No more neglecting myself.
That's great, and how it should be. Funny how easily we can forget that our wants and needs matter too.
Your wisdom and self-reflection is always so great to read, OTH! You know I can totally relate to putting other people's wants and needs before my own, and you're right, it becomes so easy to blame those other people for neglecting you, but really we've put ourselves into this situation by first neglecting ourselves. There's a lot I could have done for me that would have shown my wife that she needed to act different, things I didn't have to just accept. Heck, I often feel neglected by her work schedule, but she had that schedule from long before when we started dating. She actually works less time over the years. I can't blame her for something that I totally knew about and went into without listening to myself that it might be a big deal. Not neglecting ourselves is where it all begins.
Excellent post, OTH, and very true. Too many relationships where kids are involved succumb to the "kids first" mentality. Of course the kids are important, but they should never become more important than the relationship between the parents. This should also apply to any same-sex relationship you get into as it may become an issue. Do not, under any circumstance, succumb to your kid's opposition to any relationship you may form. Of course their blessing and approval is desirable, but their approval is not needed and should not be sought. Of course, do not introduce any potential partner unless you are reasonably sure that this will be something lasting. Be certain to remind the kids that you will always be there for them and reassure them that your relationship will not take you away from them. The best way to prevent this is to show them just how much happier you are with that person and hopefully this person will also get along with your kids.
Your points on how to treat the kids are all fair GW. However, at the moment, I am less concentrated on what is right for my kids and more focused on taking personal responsibility for neglecting myself. Thats not to suggest I want to diminish my attention to my kids, but recognize that I actually need to reprioritize my efforts on myself rather than on them.
