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At the crossroads.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jette, Dec 21, 2015.

  1. Jette

    Regular Member

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    Greetings and salutations all! I suppose this thread is merely a way for me to vent because I know only I can find the answers I seek but I will surely welcome any wisdom and advice.

    My story begins not that long ago. I'm in my 30's and currently living at home. I've never been able to handle the pressures of life very well but am in therapy to help with that. A few weeks ago, an idea hit me like a ton of bricks. What if I wasn't who I thought I was? What if my gender was different than what I had been born as? With that, a flood of fears, anticipations, what ifs, and oh my gods filled my head.

    I was going to try my best to put it out of my head until it really started to affect me physically as well as mentally. I was a mess. At my next appointment I unloaded on my therapist and mostly he just listened, I told him I was exhausted form thinking so much the past couple of days.

    After that I felt better but try as I might I couldn't silence these thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was involve anyone else but a new fear had cropped up that I needed to know the answer to, would my family accept me if these thoughts held any merit? My sibling had expressed similar thoughts, that they felt uncomfortable in their assigned gender so I didn't fret much over them. I also had a pretty good idea that my mom would accept me but I had to know for sure. Once I mustered up the courage I talked to her and tried to assure her things were in a very early stage and that she shouldn't stress over it. She of course said she would accept and help anyway I needed. She also chalked it up to me having too much free time but at least I had my answer. I have no idea how my dad would react if he knew I was considering changing my birth gender but my therapist said not to involve him yet.

    Having thought it over, some events from my childhood that have stuck with me could definitely be evidence and even some things I did as a teen and an early adult could support it. I have explored it a little and have very much enjoyed doing so. For awhile I was convinced I was indeed actually a woman. The next week I just figured I was crazy and getting caught up in my own thoughts. This week I'm back to accepting my inner woman. What scares me is the transition process and other people's reactions to me doing so. To be honest I don't know if I really fit the criteria to transition. Judging from my therapists reactions at my last appointment I'm thinking he may believe so.

    The other part is at I'm totally dependent on my dad monetarily so if he doesn't believe in this he could easily cut me off. I'm fairly certain laser hair removal and electrolysis are right out of the question knowing him. I don't know I'm probably getting ahead of myself.

    On the subject of transitioning, the idea that the hormones could actually change who I am is scary too. I like my interests and most of my personality as it is, I really don't want that to change. I don't have a sexuality so I'm pretty open to anything that happens there, I just don't want "me" to change mentally.

    Oh my, this is a large post isn't it? I apologize for that but if you've taken the time to read this I offer my gratitude.
     
  2. bi2me

    Full Member

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    I read your post. I thought you could use a (*hug*)

    I'm sorry I don't know much about transitioning, but I'm thinking about you.
     
  3. Jette

    Regular Member

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    :thumbsup:Thank you bi2me, that makes me feel good!