Been having a lot of thought about my coming out, separation from my kids mother, current relationship (or lack there of) with my kids and thinking about if I could have handled things differently that would have changed the outcome. And when I say outcome, I mean the point of indifference reached between my kids mother and myself, and the cold shoulder that my kids are currently giving me. As I have thought about other approaches, all I keep thinking about is the lack of any real road map that exists for someone like me coming out later in life. All the the pent up frustration inside. The long term self neglect. I showed patience in the early stages of my coming out, but as time dragged on, the toll wieghed on me heavily. Months went by, and then years. At which point was I supposed to continue to passify their desires at the expense of attending to what I needed. I eventually crossed a point, despite the ongoing process of separation from my family, where I needed to be me and focus on myself. I was fortunate to date several people after coming out and ultimately find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's a good thing. But that is probably the one thing that my kids and their mother can point to as justification to isolate me the way they are. Otherwise, I was an excellent father, and even under the circumstances a fantastic and supporting husband. And I have put them in a position to be well taken care of and lead a comfortable life even if I am not there in person for them anymore. I will be spending the holidays with family this year, but it's my new family. My partners family - parents, brothers, nephews, cousins. They have taken to me and accepted me as their own. I am fortunate for that. This will be the second year I spend the holidays with them. My children will be spending the holidays with their mother and her family. At this point, I am no longer a part of their lives. I am not even sure if my children have recieved the gifts I sent them. I hope they did. I know their mother has them in hand, whether she passed them on is up to her I guess. Could I have done things differently to change the outcome? I wanted to maintain a relationship with my children's mother; that's what we agreed when all of this started. But as events unfolded he family would intervene and told me that it was best if she and I went our separate ways - I should have been prepared for that. I wanted to continue to be a part of my kids lives as well, but I always new the reality that their bond with their mother would always take priority over their relationship with me. Now I know they are only teenagers and in time they will come around, but how much time is anyone's guess. So, as I ponder this question, I tend to think that this outcome was destined no mater what path I chose or how I handled myself. Had I had more patience and tended more to their needs rather than focus on my own, I would have only delayed my own healing process while most likely coming to the same place with them. So, in retrospect, I conclude that while there could have been multiple different ways of handling coming out, under my specific circumstances and situation, I do believe I would have gotten to the same place regardless of how I approached things.
I'm sorry that you are estranged from your children. That is my biggest fear that my husband will turn my kids against me when I finally admit to him that I am questioning my sexuality. But I can only hope that one day they will decide that love is beautiful no matter who it is shared with and if I am happier with a woman than with their father, I hope they will come to understand. I would continue to try to be in touch with them so that you at least know that you tried. If she is cruel enough to keep them unaware of your attempts then she will receive bad Karma one day. You seem to have a positive outlook about it though thinking the outlook could have been the same even if you made another decision. That touched me and made me feel better.
Whether or not you handled your coming out in the best of all possible ways, or whether there might have been a better way to go about it, is all water under the bridge. The key to your future is something you said earlier today: "Now that I am in control of my own destiny completely and totally, I now see that my own happiness is predicated on ensuring that I no longer neglect myself; and no one else is responsible but me. Yes, I will be caring of others; yes, I want my children to come around and re establish their relationship with me when it suits them; but I am single handedly responsible for the prior neglect I felt and am equally responsible for finding my own happiness and fulfillment." Understanding this, and following through, is something we all should take to heart. It's how we become attractive to others, whether they be new prospective partners or our own estranged children.
I'm not sure what exploring alternate pasts can do for you now. It makes more sense to me that you be looking at how best you might move forward from this point on. Can you mend fences that were damaged? Can you help to heal hurts that you've caused? Can you avoid deeper hurts, either in you or in others?
That is exactly how I am looking at it. Its the hand I was dealt, and the outcome the same regardless how the cards were played. I am comfortable and at peace as a result. ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2015 at 04:05 AM ---------- I agree it is a way of being attracted to others, but while that is always a good outcome, being attracted to oneself is first and foremost an important priority. And to be attracted to oneself, taking all my threads together, one needs to prioritize themselves just the same. So, in the case of neglect, I have concluded I will no longer neglect myself, and in terms of the alternative paths taken, I believe I would have gotten to the same point regardless. Together, I believe I can now continue on my journey with the proper perspective in place, and look to my future rather than looking at the past.
OnTheHighway you have given some wonderful helpful advice to myself and others through the months I've been on EC, and I see you posting now with a question and my answer is a resounding YES! Yes it would have been the same, because your wife is who she is. You could have devised more hoops for yourself to jump through, more emotional support to her, more time to your family to come to terms with things, but yes you would have gotten to the same place and it's because of her outlook. You did everything possible. Unfortunately for your wife, she chose to go a different path than one that would have been perhaps better for you, her, and the kids. I am so glad your partner's family accepted you and took you as a member of the family from the start. You clearly struggled with this for a long time before ultimately forging your path, and did everything you could to make it smooth for them. I hope your wife gives the presents. That is the least she can do. You have done everything you could for them emotionally and financially. You've been here on the threads even, supporting people and helping them come to terms with things. I'm glad you also realize that you did everything humanly possible. I'm sorry for your wife's reaction, but I am sure the kids will come around soon enough, and maybe bring her with them. Thanks for sharing your thought process through all of this. _________________________________________ And no, there is no road map or guide, and it continues to frustrate and overwhelm every new person on this forum. It's not fair. If someone is an alcoholic, there are steps to take to recover your life. Not comparing being gay to alcoholism, but I have no other metaphor. You're just suddenly relegated to being a social minority, and there's no easy way "out". Sexuality is so personal too, one person can stay married but the next person can't. One can come out to their friends/family even if they know they'll be ostracized, and the next person can't come out even though they know they will be accepted. Being suddenly gay in midlife is not the pile of sparkles and rainbows I assumed it would be. It's heartbreaking in many ways, but I feel through your posts that you're a fantastic father and provider, and you can sleep easy knowing you did all you could, every step of the way. ____________________________________ Thanks also for writing because it shows me that our stories do not end, even if we have the perfect happy ever after. Your post shows me that the pondering does not magically stop, and it's unreasonable to think it would. The reflecting on events is normal, even if you did everything right.
