New Normal

For me, I have lived through so many years of deprivation, of wanting, of the feeling of something being missing.

I did things out of fear. I didn't do things out of fear. I was driven to live by fear Bc of my upbringing (Catholic), societal pressures, my perceptions of what was "right" and what was "wrong." What was "normal" and "accepted" and what was "abnormal" and "Not accepted." I honestly didn't know how much I was missing until I just let go, and it was not this voluntary "letting go." It began when one of the loves of my life, the first woman I loved, broke my heart. That process itself led to my questioning of was my propensity to love a woman just tied to her or could it happen again, would it happen again, would I allow myself to let it happen again?? Oh my goodness could I....not be straight?? And I said to myself, self, you're totally normal, hetero, married middle age woman. Life just throws things at you and well you deal with it and move on. But that's just the thing, I decided to deal with it, and am moving on. Moving on with a new view on life, with a new pair of viewers (quite literally) and learning to accept my new normal.

Normal is such a subjective word. For those in my part of the country, it's "normal" to say "pop" when ordering a carbonated sugary beverage and in other parts of the country it's "normal" to order such a beverage by requesting a soda or a Coke. The differences in what we call something, based in where we live, etc., doesn't make one less than or the other better in any way. The difference make things interesting. The differences are what makes us who we are. The differences make life so much more pleasurable.

My new normal is that I am a married woman, who loves women, who craves the connection with a woman, which has grown to a need quite literally very close to the air I breathe. I have met someone special. Our connection is surreal. She's beautiful and kind. Funny and so loving. Yes. I am still married. Quite honestly I am not sure if that will ever change...but neither will my love for women. My new normal is learning to love myself, being open and willing to allow myself to experience love---esp the love for a woman, and I have to say my new normal is pretty freakin fantastic....and so is she.

 

Thanks Patagonia