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Stories about aching for normalcy, acceptance and love

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jjc76, Dec 21, 2015.

  1. jjc76

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    I began this post as a response to another post in djnx1's thread, "Gay, married, kids, ugh". I realized after writing for a bit that I was going off on a different tangent. So, out of respect to him and others, I thought it best to just start a new thread. My main point has to do with the great lengths that we go to so that we can feel normal, accepted and loved. I'll share some of my own stories, and I would love to hear some stories from others too. I think it helps to look back and realize that our desires are based on a basic need that we all have to feel love and acceptance from others around us.

    I'll start by quoting TAXODIUM:

    Nausea is a really good way of describing it. Intimacy was not too difficult for me during the first several years of my marriage, from age 26 to about 32-33. Granted, I required some imagination. But, gradually, like you said, emotionally I was becoming more and more unfulfilled. My emotions made it so much more difficult. I felt like I was not only living a lie, but also completely betraying myself. Being intimate with my wife felt like I was surrendering my soul. That's the best that I can describe it. And it sounds like you and many others have felt similarly.

    This post reminded me of the great lengths that my wife and I went to be able to be intimate. Looking back, I am really ashamed about what I am about to share, and let me warn you that this is a bit graphic and personal: For a long time, I tried a lot of pills that should have helped me be able to sustain myself long enough to satisfy my wife while being intimate. Nothing worked, though. The side-effects were horrible and just made me so sick. So I stopped taking them. My wife begged me to talk to a few different doctors. I did, of course, as I wanted her to be happy. They ended up being of no help.

    Finally, we read about another procedure that could be done for men in my situation that did not require pills. This sounded good. So I went for it. I went to the office and found out that it required me to (*gulp*....brace yourself....) use a syringe to give my penis a shot of some kind of liquid formula that would force an erection for quite a while.

    We bought everything that we needed to do this for about 6 months. By using less of the dosage than necessary, I was able to extend it to about 9 months. As you can imagine, that was a particularly dark period of my life. Being intimate became a chore, and obviously VERY painful. And it was all for her so that she could be satisfied. I got absolutely nothing out of it. I very powerfully felt like I was a hostage who had lost all sense of self and life from before being captured, and lived each day only to please the aggressor. Because of her massive temper, bipolar tendencies, and powerful manipulation I tried so hard to please her and to keep peace in my home for the sake of my children.

    It took me absolutely reaching the very bottom in order for me to realize what was actually going on. It took about a year and a half for me to emotionally be able to be strong enough to leave, which was only this past July.

    What a totally bizarre and crazy way to live. Like I said, I am ashamed that I stooped that low just to please her, getting nothing in return. But I think it is a story that is a variation of all of our own stories, where we have lived our lives desperately seeking the approval and acceptance of others, especially those that we love. At some point or another we would have done absolutely ANYTHING to be accepted, and especially to feel what it feels like to know that the feelings you feel are totally normal, and nothing to think twice about. For me, since I never was able to feel that way, I tried so hard to instead please everybody else so that I could feel some kind of acceptance. And love.

    We all have these kind of stories, don't we? They might be at the extreme where you harm yourself in the effort to please somehow else, all in the hopes of feeling some sense of acceptance. But, I am sure that it is far more common to just pretend, to be fake, to slowly chip away at the person that you really are, all in the hopes of pleasing those around you, and those that you love so that you can feel accepted. I have one simple story from my childhood to illustrate this. When I was about seven years old, maybe younger, I was playing in my bedroom and eventually began playing in my closet (I know, I'm laughing too! :roflmao: ). I had a huge closet and there were a lot of things that got hidden and lost. While I was playing, I found a couple old dresses that I guess were my older sister's from years earlier. I wasn't sure, though. But I innocently thought they were fascinating. I thought how strange it was that they were in my closet. Suddenly, I had the urge to put one of the dresses on. So I did. I was so happy. There was something so pleasing to me and satisfying to me to put the dress on. I was innocent and thought nothing of it. It felt perfectly natural and normal to me. I ran out to show my mother, and you can imagine the look on her face. She was horrified. She took them off of me immediately and scolded me for wearing it. I was confused and could not understand. A few weeks later, I was thrilled when I found another dress in my closet. I put it on, and the same feelings of happiness and authenticity came over me. My mother found out, and I was scolded again. I never did this again, and I have never worn a dress again. But that was the first experience in my life where I noticed there was something a little different with me, and that I needed to change in order to be accepted and to be considered normal. Most especially, to be loved.

    So I'm curious tonight. What are some stories that you would like to share that illustrate this need that so many of us have to be accepted, loved, and normal, ...usually at the expense of our own happiness and authenticity? What has helped you on your path towards accepting and loving your own self?
     
    #1 jjc76, Dec 21, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2015
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi jjc76,

    I read your entire story (ouch), and you went to extraordinary lengths to please your wife! While my story has similarities, it's pretty bland in comparison. I was in denial for most of my life, so I pretended to be a straight husband and father for many years. I wanted desperately to be normal - to have a wife, house, and family - so I went through the motions. Despite having this normal life, I felt a deep sense of yearning whenever I saw a cute guy (which got stronger at midlife). Eventually I came out to myself as bisexual and I began my journey towards authenticity. While the sex with my wife was enjoyable, it lacked real emotional connection. Eventually I realized that I wanted and needed a relationship with another man to fulfill my emotional needs and that continuing to be an ATM to my family while ignoring my own needs was counterproductive. I found EC and then the courage to come out. And here we are :slight_smile:
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Dec 22, 2015
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  3. rachael1954

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    That is some great lengths to try and please your wife. I am amazed at all you did just to try and please her. And it makes me sad too, her putting the 'fault' or 'blame' on you!! wtf.

    I wrote and erased about 50 responses, because I was going off on tangent, but I wanted you to know your post really got to me. I re-read it many times. I sympathize SO MUCH.
     
  4. Sorrel

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    Thanks for this jjc76!

    During the holidays my life is flashing before my eyes in a little way, old behaviours rise to the surface around my family, old patterns in my brain and body make me want to hide. I realize that I feel alienated, from my own family, and always have felt that way, doesn't matter that they are loving, caring and supportive. I haven't come out to them. I feel like there's no room for me to express who I am - how am I going to say it? It's such a big step - I realize I'm so bothered by the heteronormativity all around me, and the big feelings - love, romance - that I've been disinterested in all my life are suddenly very alive in my mind now. I'm not in love with someone but I've discovered that I have the capability to love. I haven't been able to share that part of myself with others. Ever. And it makes me feel like I don't even belong with my own family.

    I start to feel apart, left out. I start to recoil, thinking "they don't care about me, I'm such a horrible person". This thought clouds my mind. Suddenly I can't function. I start getting bothered by everyone else. I become more afraid. "I certainly can't share anything now. Nobody cares anyway."

    And, tadaa - we witness the birth of self-hate. Self-hate, my constant companion since childhood up until maybe six years ago. I could never put my finger on why I hated myself. Why did I always feel like an outsider? What was the argument for me supposedly deserving nothing and being a non-person that nobody cared about? I could never answer that. It was just a sensation.

    This is the sensation: I'm human, I feel what you feel too, I have the same spectrum of emotions that all of you do, too - I have a gender identity, a way that I need to express myself - I have a sexual identity, romantic and sexual dreams and feelings - but none of you know. I don't see my version of it represented anywhere. I don't know how to own it. It's shameful, it's small. Everyone else can go "aaaww" watching straight romantic comedy and snuggle together. My feelings - my true feelings - red and white and enormous like the sky - they are so tender that I don't want to risk them getting trampled by others, but I need to talk about them, too - goddamnit I need to talk about them. I've never, ever, ever talked about my desire or my romantic feelings. I need to see them reflected, too. In art and on TV and in people's faces. Do I exist? Do I have weight? Am I on the right planet?

    Opinions and resistance within me, that I thought simply belong to an old muscle memory from when I was a hostile teenager suddenly look completely different in this light. I'm bothered by the fact that, when we play a very silly question-based board game, the questions are heteronormative. Like, "How many hours during his lifetime does a man spend looking at women?" Argh. Please. Kill. Something. I just look away and my chest tightens. What is this feeling? Am I going to explode? I feel like a knot.

    I can't express my frustration with the heterosexual norm - that there is a story constantly being told all around me that has nothing to do with my experience - that I can't spontaneously let out my true feelings, big and small - because this is a cause for celebration, who I am is a gift, I know it, somehow I know it - but I can't share. I hold it back. And every little time that I hold back, instead of spontaneously sharing who I am - I die a little. I'm physically present, but when you look at me, all you see is a cloud. Nothing there. I can act human. I can respond to interaction. But strangely, I start feeling that I'm faking being a person, not because I am telling lies but simply because I'm not saying anything. I avoid being a real person. I'm avoidant, on the outside looking in. Formal, reserved, with my own family.

    This quickly gives me the sense that there's something wrong with me. I shouldn't be not-here. I should be here. But there's a wall between me and everyone, and it exists because I am bad.

    That's the emotional logic living it's own life and running things in one province of my soul. Now I see it clearly. I can't live like this anymore. I can't un-see. I exist. I'm a real person.
     
  5. ThatGirlShauna

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    I have to say this thread makes me feel less alone than I was feeling. Thanks.
     
  6. angeluscrzy

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    I can relate to the idea of finally feeling like a "real" person. I look back on my life and so much of it seems like I was simply a passenger along for the ride. In school I remember things shifting for me and adopting a persona of just not giving a fuck about anything. I felt I couldn't be "me" anyway, so what did anything else matter? I dropped out, slept with girls I felt nothing for, just because I felt that was the "normal" thing to do, and just slipped further and further away from myself.
    I wanted so many times to be out, yet always felt a lot of pressure inside to do what I felt was expected for a man my age and have the family and kids. My kids are the only thing I could never regret in the face of every decision I made to stifle myself. I hate that my whole life, a lot of the things I've felt seemed more like things I had to tell myself to feel. I could say the pretty words, but never really felt connected to the emotions I espoused. I think I told myself I felt them, because it's what I was *supposed* to feel. And as I gain more and more acceptance of my sexuality, I can see much better now the difference in what I truly feel versus what I thought I should feel. I sat one day realizing I could rattle off the names of tons of male actors, musicians, etc...that I found attractive and stuff, but I couldn't do that with any females really. Now, being single (6 months now) for the first time in 15 years, I finally have reached the point where I refuse to ever find myself back in the closet. I'm not shouting gay affirmations from the mountaintops, but each day I am choosing to just own this more and more. Its wonderful.
     
  7. ThatGirlShauna

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    I don't think you should be ashamed. Honestly, this life is really hard. It's not easy to know who you are, and it's infinitely harder to own it and live it. I feel as though I am constantly sitting at a crossroads and having to decide which way to turn. Neither path looks easy or particularly fun.

    I can't say there is any particular story of mine... I mean, it's my whole life, really. I got married at a young age, to the first person who showed a romantic interest in me. I was 22 and thought all I needed in life was a husband. From a young age I wasn't really interested in boys, but pretended to be. I'd find a male celebrity "crush" or two that I found relatively attractive, and could cling on to that in case anyone asked, but I could name a dozen female celebrities I loved without even thinking.

    It's weird the things we do in order to feel like we can blend in with everyone else.