About to spill some guts, which makes me feel weird to do on here because I've come to know and care for many of you, so I feel like I need to save face in some way - but then I remember that we don't actually know each other. In ways, that's comforting, and makes me feel like I can just say whatever is on my mind. I'm feeling really emotional lately. It's not a holiday thing, though I imagine the new year coming up could have something to do with it. Not in the sense that I need someone to kiss, or am sad that there isn't, but that I feel like I'm always in the same place as the year before. Thinking about how I promised myself the year prior that this would be a new leaf where I changed everything, radically, and would be where I want. Every year, this never happens. I sit here, again, with New Years rolling around, in the same place, with the same plans to lay in bed and plans to plan out changes to make so I don't have to feel the current emptiness. Always on a hopeful foot - promising myself that this will be the last time I disappoint myself... I'm going to apologize now for how long this will probably become. I want to start off by saying that I am a self sabotager, in a really bad way. Bad because, I have all of these dreams and goals and wishes that are so clear in my mind, to the point that they burn in me, but it seems I do anything and everything to halt them from actually becoming reality. One of my biggest issues might be that I'm hyper aware of myself. I know I do these things; I know my patterns that lead into mistakes I make, and yet I continue. I forge right ahead knowing good and well that I'm going to ruin a potential plan, and care, but numb myself enough in the moments to follow through. I don't know what it is, and I have gone to therapists to talk about it. One once said that I was one of the worst sabotagers she's ever encountered. I'm not sure that's actually true, but she said it. I'm the type of person who dreams and fantasizes what they want as opposed to taking action to get it. For example, I have a decent amount of weight to lose. I hate to admit that on here, but it's true. It's always gotten in the way of my life, and I've let it, in irrational ways--like I halt my romantic life because of it: don't want to sleep with anyone until I'm comfortable with my body. Or my career: don't want to go on an interview there because they won't hire me because they'll think I'm too fat (especially in my industry. Where looks rule, even in corporate, and also pretty much just because I'm a woman. Double whammy) -- that type of stuff. I make a plan to lose it, and like most, do it for a week or so until I realize I haven't lost 20 lbs and allow bad behaviors to creep back in. However, in the moment when I am planning, I've pretty much already thought myself thin, and then I do nothing... except maybe wait for divine intervention? I'm not stupid. In fact, I'm really logical when it comes to problem solving...for others, but for myself? It seems like I'm not trying to do the leg work. And I just don't understand how I can want something so bad, but fail to make it a reality for myself, and let so much time pass by, continually disappointing myself. I'm now starting to see that I'm doing this in every part of my life, and worst of all for me, in my career. I want a career that is, to some, kind of out there. And without going into specific detail, I'll just say that I want to take part in helping society to become more compassionate and caring for the differences they've been taught to overlook in each other. For me, that means pushing out and creating art that is representative of real humans. I've always just wanted to make and be a part of change in a creative way that helps others. I still don't know exactly what this means for myself, I'm still figuring it out and trying to find the best ways to make that happen for myself, in my life, that is a right fit for me. What I do know, is that it takes WORK. Massive time and work, and there were moments I was so ready and willing to endure it, but something has gone out the window. I don't know if it has to do with the questioning of my sexuality, getting caught up in a really unhealthy person (my trigger crush) who was manipulating me and made me feel insane and crazy, or if it happened awhile ago and somehow my sexuality in the mix just made it worse. Sometimes I wonder if my sexuality isn't a question and the insecurity came first, allowing me to be sucked into a manipulative situation. Kind of doubtful, but who the hell knows. There are so many obstacles I have to get over. I come from a family that doesn't understand my want for more. I'm not sure they ever did. I'm the type of person who always wants the thing at the very top. I wasn't satisfied going to the college I went to, I wanted to know if I could ever get into Harvard (never tried), but was looked at with five heads for expressing this. When I wanted to major in biology, it's because I wanted to be a doctor. When I thought I wanted to major in business and marketing, it was in preparation to be a CEO of my favorite company, or own a major business. I've never thought small, but whenever expressing these thoughts I was often told, "just focus on graduating college first," or scoffed at. The undertone, or what I always picked up from it, was that I just wasn't enough to make these things happen. Not smart enough, or hard working enough. And I've always tried my very hardest to bypass that, but the thoughts are always there in the back of my head. I come from a parent who constantly told me she'd be proud of me if I earned straight Cs if I tried my hardest, while always making me believe that I can do exactly what I want in life. And sometimes I wonder if all of that messaging has caused me to crumble in on myself, by not trying my hardest, while wanting big things, and scoffing at myself because, maybe they are unattainable to me and I'll never get there. I just feel so empty lately. A few months ago, I got into a pretty big position in a part of my industry. I didn't want to keep the job forever because I have other dreams for myself, but it was a great starting point. I went in, worked under an amazing person, and once they left, had their job for awhile. In a way, that was a big achievement, and I thought I was making it in some way. Without divulging too much about that, I had an issue with a colleague who didn't like me, must have been sucking my ex boss's dick, and I was let go shortly after being put into the position I was in. Which, to be frank, came a little too quickly anyway. I was being put in a position where my boss needed me to know more than he did, and fresh out of college, it wasn't going to happen in a couple of weeks. I started having a slight health issue while in this job as well, which almost made me welcome the departure, and now that it's being taken care of and I'm (thank you universe, but not trying to jinx it) feeling better, I feel like I've just woken up to destruction all around me. I feel overwhelmed in this emptiness I feel inside of me, that I'm not trying my hardest to reach my full potential, that I've somehow missed my shot, and that I'm never going to get what I want. I've wanted to cry all day and it's not coming out--this is an issue I have lately, needing to cry and it not coming out. I just look around, look at my friends who are younger than me who are living their lives, look at the position I'm currently in, and I just feel like there is a hole in my heart that I want to fill but don't know how to. It's making me want to isolate even more. Stop talking to some friends. Go off of social media. I'm not sure that's the answer, though. I just don't feel like I'm where I should be for my age. I feel lost. And untrue to myself. And heart broken over something I can't fully understand. I'm also truly fearful that I will let all of my potential go out the window, and choose a mediocrity that I would never be satisfied with - or become angry like my mother who always wants more for herself, but doesn't do anything to change her path. I understand the fear of the unknown, and fear of change, but I don't want that to stop me from living the way I envision my life to be. I am looking into going back to therapy, but I feel like I go and I still have these problems. There are so many of you on here who give the most amazing advice, and have so much wisdom. I would be grateful for any thoughts, even though this post is all over the place. Thank you for reading.
I think knowing that you self sabotage is a good start to noticing, isolating, and eventually stopping the behavior. Besides that, I've mostly got (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) for you.
I'm a lot older, but I wouldn't say wiser, because you and I are the same. I think the only cure is to just determined to do it.
Hey, sometimes getting it out on paper can be the first step. I am similar to you and I wouldn't say I have mastered it so not sure I have the best advice but having read your post I wonder if it is almost a sub conscious at the back of your mind that kind of goes to do something and then feels a bit like 'but if I fail everyone will be like, I told you you weren't good enough to do that' which then subconsciously prevents you from going through with it. I totally get it is frustrating but try not to be too tough on yourself. You really cant compare yourself to others, everyones journey is different and progresses at different speeds. Just because they are ahead of you (or so it seems now) doesn't mean you cant end up ahead of them at the end. Also you really cant measure yourself against others, sometimes people can look from the outside as though they have everything but actually they aren't happy with what they have. What is the first thing you would like to change?
I used to feel like such a loser every time I got my college alumni magazine and read about all the great achievements by all these people from my class. Then I realized it was ten or twelve people out of a class of 10,000. I wondered. What are the other 9,980 people doing? Of course I still get jealous of people. But am I still a loser? No. BUT I have to remind myself of that every single day. Every single day. And it's tough. Constant pressure. Anxiety. Leading to depression. Every day. What can you do? Well, as much as I hate sports analogies, its all about getting up after being knocked down. Football players get thrown to the ground. What do they do? They get up. They have to. They have bills to pay too. They get up. I hate to sound harsh, but for most of us, life is just one big series of being thrown to the ground. You don't read about that in those alumni magazines. You only read about accomplishments, never failures. I'm about 40 years older than you and have had my share of getting knocked to my knees. I ran and hid, embarrassed to face people I thought were my friends. I isolated. Know what happened? Believe it or not, the world kept spinning without me. Again. Harsh. But true. Look, I know this stuff about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off is alot of bunk. Save for the inspirational posters that come with pictures of clouds and waves. You pick yourself up because you want to fight for your dreams. Fight for your dreams. Maybe Disney makes dreams come true for princesses. Us? We have to fight for dreams because no one else will do it for us. Good luck. You have to fight for your dreams. This is the reality of the world we live in. ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2015 at 08:16 PM ---------- I used to feel like such a loser every time I got my college alumni magazine and read about all the great achievements by all these people from my class. Then I realized it was ten or twelve people out of a class of 10,000. I wondered. What are the other 9,980 people doing? Of course I still get jealous of people. But am I still a loser? No. BUT I have to remind myself of that every single day. Every single day. And it's tough. Constant pressure. Anxiety. Leading to depression. Every day. What can you do? Well, as much as I hate sports analogies, its all about getting up after being knocked down. Football players get thrown to the ground. What do they do? They get up. They have to. They have bills to pay too. They get up. I hate to sound harsh, but for most of us, life is just one big series of being thrown to the ground. You don't read about that in those alumni magazines. You only read about accomplishments, never failures. I'm about 40 years older than you and have had my share of getting knocked to my knees. I ran and hid, embarrassed to face people I thought were my friends. I isolated. Know what happened? Believe it or not, the world kept spinning without me. Again. Harsh. But true. Look, I know this stuff about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off is alot of bunk. Save for the inspirational posters that come with pictures of clouds and waves. You pick yourself up because you want to fight for your dreams. Fight for your dreams. Maybe Disney makes dreams come true for princesses. Us? We have to fight for dreams because no one else will do it for us. Good luck. You have to fight for your dreams. This is the reality of the world we live in.
Uh, so I really could be way off here, but I want to throw this out as something to ponder. Have you ever read up on ADHD? (For the record it sometimes plays out in ways that do not include any hyperactivity at all, and the ability to sometimes hyperfocus on something you are super interested in does not mean you don't have it.) Your post wasn't sounding 100% ADHD to me, but some things in there made me wonder a little bit. Like the part about feeling like you have a lot of potential, and have some great ideas/plans but not quite being able to make it happen even though you *really* want to. And the part about feeling like you've tried to address this inability to go where you can see you want to go but it doesn't seem to get you there. This sounded a little ADHDish to me: "It seems like I'm not trying to do the leg work. And I just don't understand how I can want something so bad, but fail to make it a reality for myself, and let so much time pass by, continually disappointing myself. I'm now starting to see that I'm doing this in every part of my life, and worst of all for me, in my career. " Again, I might be way off here, but as I was reading your post ADHD kept popping up in my head as a question for you. The other thing I felt like I was seeing in your post (that didn't seem especially ADHDish to me) was a need/desire to be THE BEST, or at THE TOP--like the CEO, or Harvard and that made me wonder if maybe you felt you have to be the best or at the top to be OK with yourself. It made me wonder if you feel like you aren't OK just as you are right now, but if you could get some REAL and BIG external validation that you are OK (like being a physician or CEO or going to Harvard) then everyone including you would know that you are OK. Does that resonate with you at all, or does that seem off? I'm really not sure, it's just what popped into my head. I think it's pretty important and useful to work toward knowing that you are OK exactly as you are right now, and getting to feel comfortable in your own skin as you are right now. Feeling like you won't be OK with yourself until you change things like your weight, or your status in the workplace is kind of a big recipe for misery (if you ask me).
Alice. (*hug*) I am not very much older, and certainly not wiser. But I am going to give this a shot because I care about you and I kind of hate that you are hurting like this. I know a couple of people like you. One is myself, though to a lesser degree I think, and I'm able to cope with it and see it for what it is. But my brother is JUST like you. He went to a really, really good college, and got his MBA as well, has always had these lofty dreams, but is unable to put the work in to make them happen. He'll get good jobs but then he'll quit, because it's not exactly what he wanted to be doing. He's a really good looking guy, smart af, but his relationships have been sparse because he's too busy in his own head. He's now almost 40 and he's spent most of his life in a deep, scary depression. This past year was probably the worst, but I think this next year is going to be the best for him, because he seems to have changed his thinking a bit . . . I believe we should have hopes and dreams, BIG ones that we can aspire to. But, if you obsess about these HUGE dreams, and never think on a smaller scale, then you are going to paralyze yourself, because these HUGE things don't happen to us overnight. You know when you are really, really overwhelmed with a million things you really need to do, and you get SO overwhelmed with this laundry list that you just do nothing? It's the same idea. I didn't really read through all of the comments, but I did see something about writing things down, and I'd agree that that would help. Write down your big hopes and dreams, but also write down the steps you need to take to get there. I've had many-a-talks with my brother about this. And my basic advice was that he needed to just buck up, get a job that he didn't necessarily WANT but would bring in money for him, and focus on other aspects of his life. Something he said to me was that he think he'd make a really good dad. I told him, if he wanted a family, he'd need to get a job like a normal person and start focusing on his social life. He ended up taking a good job (albeit not EXACTLY, or even NEARLY, what he wants), and started focusing on meeting people. He recently met this A-FREAKING-MAZING girl, and he's finally realizing that life isn't all about becoming the CEO of a company and making money and impressing everyone (not to say those are your goals, I'm just making a point that life isn't all about exactly what you are focusing on, there are so many different layers). I sincerely hope that he's still able to realize his professional dreams, but I'm so grateful that he's now taking care of himself and that he's on his way to finding happiness in unexpected ways. Because with the way he's been talking for the past year, I really thought he was going to be dead by 2016. We'll have a moment of honesty here. And this is something I don't really share too much, so it's kind of a big deal for me to share it with an entire forum, but I think it might help me relate to you. I've had an eating disorder for over a decade. It comes and goes, but when I get super stressed or I'm feeling out of a control, I severely restrict calories and I run like a motherfucker. I will run for 4+ hours a day (I'm not even joking here) to avoid doing what I need to do when I become overwhelmed. When shit hit the fan this year and I realized that, yeah, I'm fucking gay, I also decided I'd run a marathon. So I've dealt with all this shit by running, but I had the excuse that I was "training for a marathon." I ran that damn marathon (it was in October), and I ran it good, but I came out of it sub-100 lbs, with a knee and an Achilles injury, and with GI issues galore (hello, colonoscopy!). I made a promise to myself that after the marathon, I would be done with running for awhile, and I would start taking care of other parts of my life. You said that you are overweight. SAME freaking idea. You are probably eating to avoid other parts of your life. You are eating to cope, because sometimes it's all too-fucking-much and you're fucking human and stop being so fucking hard on yourself, woman! Being overweight doesn't make you less of a person, or a bad person, or an incompetent person--and your insecurities about being overweight are most likely your own. And maybe it helps you sit out of other parts of your life--"I'm not even going to interview because I'm overweight." No. Just no. I haven't even seen you, I don't even KNOW you, and I'm attached to you based solely on your sense of humor, your ability to carry on a conversation, and your intelligence, which shines through. I know this is your "online persona" but you can't put a stupid person behind a screen and instantly make them smart and witty. You ARE smart and witty. You just don't see it. I know, without a doubt, if you were in my life, it would be easy for me to fall for you--TRUST me, if you put yourself out there, there will be plenty of people who will fall for you (and I'm not just talking romantically--professionally as well). You have SO much to offer. You just have to . . . offer it. Give yourself a break. So take it a step at a time. WRITE down those goals. Write down what you need to do to get there. And break it down DAY by DAY. If I don't write down a to-do list for the day, I won't do shit. So I've taken to writing out a list, and I get TEASED relentlessly about it, but I'll bullet E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. And we're here if you need us. (&&&)
Mellie (*hug*) my bff has dealt with eating disorders since shortly after I met her in 6th grade. She also runs to help cope with it. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for the (*hug*) I agree. Action and determination. Hi Silver . Thank you for your response. That part about failing and everyone being right, so just failing to try all together makes sense. I know that self sabotage is a symptom to having a fear of failure. I think I do feel that sometimes, that people don't expect much, so I've over compensated for myself, and now I don't want to disappoint in proving others wrong. I think I'd like to change my hyper over analyzing, and work on smaller steps to my goals. I also want to stop being afraid to actually put myself out there to reach these goals. I sometimes have an issue with being vulnerable and putting myself out there/wanting to be liked automatically or something. Which isn't always true -- I'm so contradicting, even to myself! I'd like to work on that, too. This is a great pep talk. I have to believe that's the truth. That we just need to keep getting back up after being knocked out. Get knocked down 7 times, get back up 8. Is that the saying? I think it hurts to get back up so much, but I guess you gotta keep going. Thank you Hi Yeehaw. I don't believe that I have ADHD. I feel like it would have been caught in my younger years... I was actually tested for things (if I remember correctly, those big therpist people in school that make you do those weird tests) because I was a constant daydreamer! I was thought to be pretty unorganized and whatnot, but nothing ever really came out of it. I think they just deemed me a normal, bored in school kid. I DO however have issues with being a little bit obsessive. And ugh, hate to divulge, but whatever, I have been looked at as possibly having slight OCD. Slight because I don't have the compulsive component to it. I can, however, get really overwhelmed in my thoughts, and get stuck in a way. A lot of what Mellie says makes sense to that, so I'll address it more over there. I definitely don't feel okay as I am right now. I want a certain type of life, and it's a little hard to navigate the career I want. It's not a clear path, which I understand, but it gets frustrating and I just get...stuck. Stuck's a great word for me. I am working on becoming happier with myself, but like any American of my generation, without an app or quick fix, it's a real bitch waiting for it. I think I need to learn to enjoy the process a little more. Enjoy the process of losing weight, the process of getting into my career ... focusing on the bigger picture is too premature right now, and it's the only thing I think of. I'm just afraid to make wrong moves or something. Thank you for your input . Melliiieeeeeeeeeee. Stop being so amazing and all knowing. It's seriously unfair. Your post....sigh...there's too much truth in it. "I believe we should have hopes and dreams, BIG ones that we can aspire to. But, if you obsess about these HUGE dreams, and never think on a smaller scale, then you are going to paralyze yourself, because these HUGE things don't happen to us overnight. You know when you are really, really overwhelmed with a million things you really need to do, and you get SO overwhelmed with this laundry list that you just do nothing? It's the same idea." All of this. This is the problem. I just don't know how to break things down. Maybe I think if I don't always think about the bigger picture, I'm going to lose it, and then it won't happen? I'm posing that as a question, but I think that's actually how I feel. So I fixate, which I imagine isn't healthy because it doesn't sound like a healthy word. Even thinking about breaking tasks into something smaller is making me feel anxious, right now, as I sit here typing this! WTF IS THAT!?! Anyone please chime in on that irrational feeling. Why would I think I'm going to forget my end goal just because I focus on all of the smaller steps it takes to get there? That doesn't even make sense but it feels really, really true to how I feel deep down. That thing about your brother scares the shit out of me, because I feel like I'm going to wake up and be 40 and pissed off that I let myself sit inside a confusion fear bubble. Like I was answering to Yeehaw, I do have issues with getting stuck inside obsessive thoughts. Obsessive in the sense that I want something, don't quite know how to make it happen, and then I just sit there... like, I'm better at talking in metaphor so... in a forest where there's no path and I have to make a decision on which way to walk, because one leads to getting out, and the other leads to just getting more lost, and so I just sit there freaking out because there's no map and I just have to pick one, but am so afraid to make a wrong move. So, am I afraid to make decisions? Afraid to get lost and have to turn around? I mean, that sounds right. How the fuck do I get over that? Thank you for being so candid about your eating disorder. Not that you need someone else standing there with you, but I too had an eating disorder when I was younger. And I guess I'll get super candid here as well, I had it really badly, anorexia and bulimia, to the point that it messed up a lot of my life. I had to redo a year of high school because of it. Went into college late because of it. I'm sure a lot of my want to be something stems from the many years of downfall, being judged unfairly, and having to redo my life and make myself what I actually felt I should be. Also, being overweight after having an eating disorder like that...worst. thing. ever. So, that's where a lot of my irrational thoughts come from: can't do a,b,c until I'm like this. I really need to work on these smaller steps and the process of it all. That's going to be a big life challenge, lol. And in real life, I'm actually pretty much the same. Except I'm not so oversharing (unless we're like bffs and it's 12 in the morning and we're drinking coffee and I'm feeling way too open), and usually act like everything's just fine! lol. I mean, my poor best friend hears all my honesty hour bullshit, but I'm trying not to make her sick of me. I've been in such a rut the past few years, and she needs a break after the trigger crush debacle. You guys are the best -- seriously (&&&)
So I've been thinking about this thread for a while. It's not that I don't have any history with self-sabotage. Or even any present. In fact, I may be in the grips of it now. Who knows? Personally I don't set huge goals...there are things I want, things I work toward, etc. ...but I am a firm unbeliever in New Years resolutions, for instance, specifically because once I make a "thing" of it, it ain't gonna happen. I need to fly beneath the radar of my saboteur, so to speak. *smile* So while others offer inspiration, I'm afraid all I can offer is strategy. Here's the thing...to defeat your saboteur, you need to know your saboteur. You sound like you know yours pretty well. And she's good, as I understand it. So good that she'll sabotage anything you strive toward, anything you value. Ok...instead of working against that, try giving it some energy. *Value* your saboteur. She's impressive, after all; exceedingly competent. Lean into that. Love her. If she's true-to-form, she won't be able to help herself from trying to sabotage what you value...herself. Chances are, she's younger than you think and is probably in need of love anyway. Worth considering?
This is extremely profound. I've been sitting on it for a few days now. It seems like you're getting into some deep, Freudian psychology: the Super Ego and Id. I think strategy will win over just hoping I can keep myself pepped up enough to quiet that inner asshole. Can you expand on your last paragraph more? I'd be grateful. To update from this, though. I have been feeling a little better. So thank you to all.
Well...I'm wondering if you meant simply that last sentence of the last paragraph. I think the rest is sufficiently expanded (at least, I'm reluctant to expand further on it, as it may give your saboteur ideas of how to resist this attack...I'd say just do it). But that last sentence was cryptic, because I didn't want to end up launching into a whole other topic. But since you ask (on your own thread, no less), I have a friend who bears the mantra of "the real story is always far older than you think it is." I've found this to be strikingly correct in most instances, so I keep an eye out for it. The fundamental question is *why* does your saboteur do what she does? Why you, when there are so many other worthy candidates out there for sabotage? An immediate answer is that there's something about you that she really dislikes. I don't know you well enough to know what that might be...but it must be there, right? But whatever it is, my other experience in life is that when someone has a problem with you, it's *always* about *their* issues. It's something about you that she doesn't like, because it reminds her of something in herself that she's uncomfortable with. But if she's so competent, then *why* is she so uncomfortable with this thing about you? There must be some inciting incident. You may even be able to put your finger on it directly. But if you do, don't stop there, because the *true* inciting incident will almost certainly go back much further than you're prepared to think it could. Our saboteurs are not mature sophisticated people. They are wounded children. And like all wounded children, they crave love and validation...indeed, love and validation are likely the only kind of healing they can respond to. Does any of this resonate?
BiAnnika -- thank you for your response. I've been thinking about it for days. It does resonate, but is still so complex that it's taking awhile for me to work out/apply. I'm feeling a lot better lately. A lot more positive. Not just because it's the new year, but because I'm just trying to retrain the way I think about things. I wrote a little piece on it here...I don't know. Just feeling a little lighter in thoughts. Thanks to all for the responses.
Hi yeah p I d k Thank u for sharing - I related to a lot of what you shared -- For me the problem ( now I am out of it ) was that I had a terribly low self esteem / worth - I used food as a comfort -- You talk a fair bit in your post about feeling 'empty ' I used to feel like this too -- What has happened to me is that I needed to stop using food as a drug and start working a programme of inner change -- diets never worked for me -- I did this and continue to through 12 step programme fa - food addicts in recovery . Org It seems that inner change creates outer change -- I'm not sure I like the term 'self sabotaging ' I mean I get what it frames but it doesn't really instill much hope -- and being told u are 'the worst at it ' creates shame and blame I feel -- In my experience choose therapists wisely -- There are many ways to heal -- i have done lots of spiritual / growth type things and explored many avenues to getting whole -- I hear life coaching is good -- It's just in this past yr I have really starting connecting to myself truly - inner resources and not crazy head -- Anything that helps this is worth doing is say - things that nurture our essence -- Talking about problems too much can be counter productive I have found -- You sound interesting and the creativity may be a way for you to shift and unblock -- there are lots of books and people who can help with this -- The creative is so innate to our living a meaningful life I feel Julia Cameron ' the artists way ' I found a good resource to aid healing -- I wish u the best - forget new yr resolutions - be kind to you and just take it daily small steps --
Thank you, ConsciousRose A lot of what you say is true and great advice. That's what I'm doing, working on myself mentally. I just want to change my thought process. It's really negative and confused lately. Lots of self questioning. I want to stop the questions! I already know the answers to a lot of things, but sometimes I overthink and start a whole problem that isn't even there. I'm definitely going to check that book out -- it sounds good! I'm glad to hear you're better with this same problem. It gives me hope!
Hi YeahpIdk, your judgment of yourself seems to be very achievement based. There is nothing wrong with being driven to succeed and all of that but if you achieved all of what you stated you wanted would that make you happy? Maybe it's the way you view yourself that needs to change. For example, some of the most attractive female celebrities have been overweight at some time or the another in their life but the most self assured of these women have never allowed being overweight to cause them to doubt themselves. It's good that you want to give back - it shows that you have a big heart. I think all these emotions come from not knowing what you want to achieve in life. I know what helped me was to create a 5 Year Life plan which was encouraged by another member on here who helped me to create it. The end date for my 5 year Life Plan is July 9, 2020 and it consists of just 6 life goals that encompass various areas of my life that are important and personal to me. Since creating this plan I have become more focused and driven. I now know what I want and I see the baby steps I am taking to achieve my goal as one small building block to the massive structure I am building. So it's all about knowing where your life is going and creating a path to that end. Little by little I am working my way to a more prosperous, happy and successful life. Once we have the vision we can achieve anything.
"I think all these emotions come from not knowing what you want to achieve in life." I'm finding this statement to be at the core of my angst right now. Great message, thank you, KyleD
