So I came out as bi last month to my wife, and did it very poorly. My sexuality wasn't a surprise...we discussed my feelings before we got married. I resonate with posts where they don't feel right in the relationship...like something is missing. However, I was raised with profound emotional neglect and just coming to understand the implications of that. This leaves me on the heels of a dilemma: are the feelings I am experiencing due to needing intimacy but not knowing how to get it because I never once heard I love you as a child and never once had my folks help me with anything emotional? If so, can I get that from my marriage? Or am I living with someone whom I love but may not be in love with? And would I fall in love if I decided to leave? Or is it some combination of the above? I also would like to know how to support my wife through all of this. So anyone who has had similar experiences or could share some insight would be helpful. Thank you.
Hi Mike, I'm bi, out about 18 months to my husband and close friends, and like you, he knew before we married (that I'd been sexually intimate with my best friend in high school, although didn't really identify as bisexual). We've been married 13 years, and have two kids. Let me know how I can help. (*hug*)
In order to answer that, we really need to understand who you are as a person. I'm going to assume you're very introspective and you keep to yourself, and perhaps out-of-touch with your emotional feelings? If that's the case, you're the kind of person that needs someone who you can completely open up to, and you need someone who's willing to give you the love that you've been missing this entire time. That empty feeling is a void that was not fulfilled for you as a child. Unfortunately, while your wife can love you to the greatest of her ability, you need to fill the rest of that void by yourself. You need to tell yourself that you love yourself, and that you are deserving of love. Once you open that side of you, everything that she does will come off a little sweeter and more thoughtful. I hope this helps~
For such a new person to the threads, you are quite advanced in your reasoning. It's taken me almost a year to consider the thoughts you are raising right now. That being said, I have no advice, because I'm still struggling with this myself. I think Steve FS has a good point. Is your marriage one where you feel supported? Or do you feel like a burden if you open yourself to her? I hear that all marriages go through rough patches where they might not feel the love as acutely as before, but then the love comes back with enough time and devotion. If I left my marriage am I just shooting myself in the foot - is what I have workable and I should save it? If I left now like I want to would I bitterly regret it in 3 years? Some people on EC say time will reveal all, just keep moving forward. Others here say that things won't get easier with time. So I just try not to get too depressed about everything, but the void you are struggling with, I have it too. And I don't know if it was my parents or my own sensitive personality, but for whatever reason it was put there as a child and now at midlife I'm dealing with it. Also- you ask how to support your wife through all this. I don't have an answer for that, either. At what point does compassion and support turn into self-denial and feeling frustrated? Especially when you may be like me and more in touch with your spouse's emotions and needs than your own.
