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Divorce

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BeingEarnest, Dec 22, 2015.

  1. BeingEarnest

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    It has been some time since I posted, and so much has happened.

    After being legally separated from my wife for almost a year, our divorce will be final soon.
    While I have made great steps towards accepting myself as a gay man, and starting over in a new home and new job- right now, I am overwhelmed with grief. It is hard not to think of the divorce- not to flash back over our life together, to churn over the way our relationship has been shutting down bit by bit since I came out. As husband and wife, we were best friends. Now, we rarely talk, and usually only about caring for our son. I understand why she has backed off, and how painful it is for her. I do everything I can to respect the boundaries she has drawn, knowing that she is doing all she can to put her life together. Still, it hurts. And so much goes left unsaid.

    Divorce really feels like a death.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I can empathize with the emotions your going through BeingEarnest. My divorce is also in its final days after being in process for multiple years (all amicable, but insanely complicated).

    While I have been doing a lot of reflection in the final days; the majority of my grieving was done and completed quite a while ago. Like you, we also reached a point of indifference and our communication is now limited, It would be nice if we were to still be friends, but I am generally ok with how the relationship between us has settled.

    The collateral damage with my kids currently is my biggest emotional issue, and I will just need to trust that time will heal the relationship between us.

    Strangely, once the final document was filed with the courts just at the beginning of this week, now just waiting for the final stamp of approval by the judge, I felt a very strange calmness overtake me; with everything that I have been working on over the past few years or so seeming to all make sense. The pieces are all coming together.

    Good luck on getting yours finalized! I hope you you find happiness once you hit the light at the other end of the tunnel :slight_smile:. I know I am anxious for mine to be completed just the same.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Dec 22, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
  3. Patagonia

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    I am very much in the exact same situation. Throughout the day, I experience an incredibly wide range of emotions. From guilt and shame on one end. To a sense of freedom and joy on the other. Throw in anger and bitterness. A dash of regret. Resentment. I guess it's all about longing to change the past. Coming out earlier in life. Never marrying her in the first place. Not having kids. How do you change the past? No can do. What you might want to read up on is forgiveness. Not her forgiving you. You forgiving yourself. Not excusing yourself for not telling the truth. Or resenting you weren't living the life you wanted. Forgiveness is admitting that you cannot change what has happened and you will be a better person moving forward. Trying to fix the past is like death. No, its worse, because you keep punishing yourself. And punishing yourself will not help your son. Trust me. I know. Take care.
     
  4. IrishJ

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    Gentlemen, as I am moving closer to separation/divorce I appreciate your insight into the emotional adventure that is coming soon. I had never considered the concept of forgiveness, giving myself the additional love and space necessary to continue my growth. Thanks Patagonia for this share - J
     
  5. driedroses

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    I wanted to add my two cents to this - I have repeatedly told my (not yet ex) husband that he needs to forgive himself. He did not intend for this - he did not set out to hurt me, to hurt us, to hurt himself. Because more than anything, living for years in the closet, in a completely wrong relationship, he hurt himself. I think after a year, he's finally getting to that point and allowing himself to actually be happy in the relationship he's in now. It's so hard.

    He and I are doing a long-term separation thing instead of proceeding directly to divorce, but every time something changes, every time it becomes more separate - it's another grief moment. I had one of those days yesterday, and I first thought about it like it's another nail in the coffin of our relationship. When I turned it around, that we're actually pulling the coffin nails out and letting the life back into each of us, whether together or separate, it is so much more peaceful.

    My thoughts are with you all and wishes for peace and healing in these difficult times.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    In all transitions of life, even in the happiest moments, something is lost, and something is gained.

    I invite you to check out my blog entry called "Katabasis". It's about the necessary descent into ashes, the need to lie low for a while; in other words, to grieve the loss properly.

    Without this descent into the disintegration of your past, you can't re-integrate yourself into something new. As in male initiation ceremonies, the child has to "die" in order for the man to emerge. Let yourself intensely feel this loss for the time it will take. There is nothing wrong with that, but be alert to the time when you will emerge from the ashes...a whole world of love, honesty and courage awaits you!
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    This was a good thread on forgiveness that might be helpful:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192537-forgiving-others.html

    And while there is a need to forgive others, there is also a need to forgive yourself.
     
  8. Shadowsylke

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    Yes, I totally understand. Divorce is the closing of a chapter in life and, no matter how necessary closing that chapter may be, it was still a big part of your life...so feelings of grief are to be expected.

    My husband was abusive to me and I had a new girlfriend that I was madly in love with...and STILL I struggled with my emotions when my divorce went through. I think that's probably natural. I was with him for a long time. I had built a life with him...a wrong life, but a life nonetheless. I was ending that.

    I think it's important to keep in mind why you are doing it in the first place, and to view it as a rebirth and a new beginning. That helped me. I think driedroses' comment about looking at it not as putting the nails in the coffin, but rather as pulling them out and letting life back in is beautiful and right on point. There are bound to be a lot of conflicting emotions during this time; my advice would be to try to focus on the positive ones and to keep taking the steps that move you forward in your life. And yes, self-love and forgiveness are essential.

    It was challenging, to be sure, but for what it's worth...when it was all said and done, I did feel much better. Hugs to you! (*hug*)
     
  9. TravelerMe

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    Ok guys thread is kind of scaring the heck out of me. Even if we part on the best of terms that impending loss of normal and all those years of what we had not to mention the guilt of tearing it apart; the kids. Makes me wonder.
     
  10. Patagonia

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    Absolutely. This is a traumatic experience for all involved. However, if you stay locked in regret over the past, you have less available to your life now and for those who you love. The other problem is that if you don't forgive yourself and others, then you are in some ways prejudging your future - that you are on guard and defended and helpless -- that there's a residual bitterness influencing your capacity for happiness because you haven't resolved something from your past. Forgiveness doesn't excuse. It doesn't minimalize what has happened.

    Unfortunately for us, we live in a culture that is becoming so increasinly angry. :tantrum: There is such damage done to people and their health through anger, blame and a kind of self-righteous aggression. We live in a culture that's stressed and angry. Just turn on the radio. Wait for minutes. You'll hear the angry Donald Trump telling a crowd of angry people that they SHOULD be angry. Especially at 'those" people over there.

    Part of learning how to forgive ourselves is practicing how to forgive others. You say, "OK, this terrible thing happened, not my fault, but now it's my responsibility to move forward as best I can. I give myself a better chance of moving forward if I forgive what happened." Not forgiving is a foolish waste of this very short life we have - especially with our kids.

    OK. Class dismissed. Enjoy the holiday!
     
  11. greatwhale

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    Well to quote Nietzche:

    A life of integrity, real love, passion, are pretty good whys...
     
  12. bigeagle

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    Interesting... Although we've not set a date as such, I'm expecting divorce proceeding to start next year. I'm hoping most of the grief / anger / resentment has happened... But I guess the final separation will bring new emotions?! Oh jeeeezzzz, not looking forward to that but it has to be done!
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    There are no new emotions from my perspective, just a culmination and reflection on all the emotions, evaluation and reflection that I have been dong over the past few years compressed in a very acute period knowing that it is just a matter of days now.

    And all the decisions I made, the journey I embarked on, still are as relevant and necessary today as they were when I started. I am waiting for this door to close and the next door to open, and I am very much looking forward to going through those doors!
     
  14. Shadowsylke

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    I'll echo what OnTheHighway said...there were no new emotions for me either when the divorce was finalized, other than a huge sense of relief. Pretty much all of the angst/grief/resentment, etc happened for me in the early stages. My separation was not amicable, so that added to the stress as well. At the end of it, I just felt happy to finally have closure, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me now that it was all done...both the divorce and the marriage itself.
     
  15. rachael1954

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    How did y'all go from:
    - unsure about your emerging sexuality/I am married, if not happily but I don't want to be a divorced person.

    to

    - i see the happy future and for better or worse I'm going to divorce and pursue that future. It might be a mistake but it's my life and I'm moving ahead.

    Was it just the pain of staying eventually overtook the fear of leaving? Is it normal to cry to your spouse all the time? Why do they want us to stay with them even if it means we're unhappy - do they think it's a phase? Has it ever been just a phase? Or do people simply grow resigned to their fate and live numbly for the rest of their days? Is that the only alternative to Divorce?

    Sorry guys. I guess I'm angry because if I knew beforehand I was definitely bi, and had experienced lesbian relationships before meeting my husband, I think I could have met him later on and been happy with him, maybe even gotten married to him and never divorced. But the trauma of coming out/having a trigger crush may destroy my marriage (just because I got married before the coming out and trigger crush).

    I appreciate your candor, BeingEarnest, OnTheHighway, Patagonia, driedroses, greatwhale, Shadowsylke in regard to your experiences.

    It is very helpful, and greatwhale I will check out your blog.
     
    #15 rachael1954, Dec 25, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2015