I didn't know if I should put this in the coming out thread or this one, so I figured I would post it here due to my age. Hello, My name is Carol from the USA. After much soul searching and realizing what I was repressing and why I am still a virgin well into my 40's, I do prefer woman. It is easier for me to cling to the "protective" word of virgin than to the "shameful" (to me) label of lesbian. So far I have told a few people from work and my former technical school. I am absolutely terrified to tell my family. My Dad has health issues and he has made homophobic comments like referring to Ellen DeGeneres as the "D" word. I am a caregiver for him, he has some independence, but he struggles in other areas. I don't have anyone in my life, and I don't know how to tell him. We go to my aunt's for the two holidays (ironically living not far away from us), she and her husband also made remarks about marriage equality (a few years ago), I don't know if I would be banished from their house if I came out. I also have a handicapped sister who is coming home tomorrow for the Christmas holidays. I'm fully content to live my life out as a virgin -- or is there hope for me to find someone? And where I will I find her? I do not like the bar scene at all and would prefer to stay at home after I finish work. I don't know why it's hard for me to say the word lesbian and wave the flag around proudly. I don't know why it's easier to stay at home and do nothing. I do have anxiety and that doesn't help matters any. I remember in seventh grade being attracted to a female classmates legs, what happened between then and now is nothing short of a memory. I hope I didn't ramble on too long and any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. (&&&)
Nope, it´s not too late! It never is! The thing is though that love will have a lot of difficulty finding you when you are hiding inside the comfort of your home with your dad. It´s ok to not like bars and prefer to stay home, but you do need to find a way to meet a new people and potential love interests. How about a local LGBT event? Or an online site? Or asking your friends if they have any gay friends. I´m not necessarily talking about a set up. Just some friends to introduce to the ´lesbian lifestyle´ (lol, whatever that is). You don´t have to deal with your family right now. They don´t need to know everything. Coming out to a few friends is a HUGE step on the right path (I haven´t done that yet) but maybe it´s time for the next step now. (*hug*)
Carol, my Christmas wish for you is to feel better about yourself, feel more confident as an adult woman, and less concerned about what others might think. It sounds like, and I could be totally wrong here, but it sounds like your needs, your opinions have often been less important than those of others around you. It's awful that you fear sharing something this important with your family. Trust me. I know how awful that is. Is it too late for you? Absolutely not! But, Carol, we are not 19 and certainly we can't approach things like we were. For now, I suggest the most important first step is for you to become a bit more independent by affirming that this is your life. It's your body. Your future. None of it belongs to anyone else. Anyone else's opinion doesn't really matter. ( it does sounds like there are people you have told and they support your decision but its YOUR decision). You just may not be ready, as you say, to go out and "wave the flag." For everyone who has the courage to do that, there are 50 of us who don't. As you start to feel better about yourself, you can start do more things for yourself, going places and meeting people you enjoy. And for now, it doesn't matter much if they are gay, straight or bi. My fear for you is that you will more and more be the caregiver, with no one really caring for you. Although you would love to have your family's blessing, this is not like the motor vehicle department. You don't need a license to be gay. Not from them or anyone else. Once you believe that, it will show. You will be better able to explore your sexuality. You will identify with so many people here. Others will be drawn to you. This doesn't happen overnight. But it can start today by freeing yourself of the grip your family holds on you. Remember, you cannot change them. You can only change how you react to what they say. I am in the exact same situation as you. I no longer take what my family says personally. I've squandered too much of my life worrying about what they think or say. It really doesn't matter what they say. I now ignore what they say. I don't listen to them any more than I listen to all the hate and anger on talk radio.:tantrum: Once I began to tune them out, my fear and anxiety decreased tremendously. Although I am just taking very small baby steps, I am so much more happier not just accepting, but feeling really good about who I am. I wish the same for you. I used to think being gay was a curse. That's because everyone else told me that. They also told me all sorts of other things about me that weren't true. Now I see being gay, not as a curse, but as a gift. Gaining confidence is also a gift. But i cant give it to you. No one can. You can only give it to yourself. Take care. Best wishes for nothing but peace and joy and moving forward in 2016!
idsm, You are right put the family situation away for now. That is why I told my last person (not family) today via Internet because they aren't local, but I really do have to focus on me. Patagonia, I have to especially thank you for such a lengthy reply. I always felt I had feelings (on various things) but they were always denied by others for one reason or the other. I do suffer from what others might think-itis. And, I hope you are at a point where you are honest with your family and close friends. From reading the rest of your post it sounds like, they aren't all supportive? That is right; the mind might think it's 19, but our bodies know differently. Thank you for this. :eusa_clap I don't have many close friends, but I am grateful for those that really care. You are right. No one cares for me in the physical sense. It's just me and My Dad, my sister can't help because she needs care herself (she can walk, she's not in a wheelchair). So even when I am bone tired, if say for example, my Dad has an issue and it's up to me to clean. It's up to me to clean. Or if it snows, and he cannot shovel anymore? Guess who has to? Is it any wonder I was never even kissed yet? I went through all thoughts, well, of course, I think guys are cute, I must be straight...oh, I'm not interested in sex, I must be asexual, even recently, I thought I might be pansexual because of if someone, anyone fell in love with me, I'd be with them regardless of what's between their legs....but then I realized, I do prefer women and the thought of having sex with a man -- yuck. I hope that you and everyone reading this has a great holiday and a Happy New Year. Thank you for your kindness.
Hi Millie Luvs books I can relate to a lot of what u have shared ... Re your family - I feel the same -- I am just leaving it and seeing if and when the words leave my mouth -- in some ways I think 'it's really no ones business what sexual preference I have and on the other I know it's part of my identity and who I am -- So for now it's a 'we will see situation and I am ok with that -- Prejudice is rife in older generations and I too am in my 40s Re meeting someone and your own acceptance -maybe some of that shame is to do with the attitudes of others around you in your younger yrs -- it's amazing how we can take on attitudes that are not really ours --- Goodness women were sleeping with women long before last century and it shall continue for time infinite I would imagine -- hey maybe one day forums like this won't be called for ... Yes me too re the bar scene - too mature now for all that life -- Have you thought of joining any meet up groups -- I joined a hiking grp and it's been wonderful have met so many people -- I'm sure now I am openly out ( to some but fully myself ) that gay women pick up on it -- that's how I've find it at times anyway I wish u all the best in your new life -- who knows when u will fly the flag - accept you and then I'm sure someone just right will be yours -- Merry Christmas
You ´ve taken the first steps already! Soon enough things will start to gradually change. Stick around! There are nice people around here! Happy holidays! PS. Haven´t been kissed yet either. It happens..
It's never too late. I think you're coming into owning your own life! I don't think there's any reason you must tell your family unless you want to or it feels right. Cheers.
CR, I agree. I think more and more people (esp. celebs and notable figures) need to come out and then after a while it won't be a big deal. You are right about the prejudice in older generations...but luckily the younger generations are changing the narrative and putting a stop to the hate. I don't really doubt it. No one ever talked about gay or lesbian issues in my neck of the "woods"....but every so often some relative would say the 'f' word esp. to describe effeminate men, just as freely as the 'n' word was bandied about to describe African American people. And of course, the 'd' word to describe a lesbian. We aren't allowed per this big yellow banner on top of these boards, to mention this stuff... but I recently checked and there was nothing. In time. idsm, I will...thank you. (&&&)Group hug everyone. and I hope that everyone has a safe and nice holiday season.
