I know, it's been a rough year. This time last year I was very happily engaged, already making plans for what was going to be an awesome wedding. Spending time with my family and friends. Generally just feeling good about the world. And then this year happened. Meeting the guy who would turn my world upside down in May. Falling for him. Falling out of love with my fiancee, though maybe not completely. Feeling like suddenly I didn't understand myself in even the most remote form, that things I thought about myself forever were a lie. And now it's hit the end of the year and I feel like I'm at my lowest. Christmas is usually my favorite time of the year. I love the magic of it. The happiness everybody seems to feel. The giving, the caring, the love. I love walking around Manhattan and seeing all the stores decked out in their jolliest looks. But this year, I'm feeling none of it. Today doesn't even feel like Christmas Eve to me. I know the weather isn't helping (seriously, it's 70 degrees here today) but it's also just my mood. There's a part of me that really, truly wants to just skip Christmas this year. Go to the movies instead and maybe eat some Chinese food. Pretend to be Jewish for the holiday, haha. And that feels selfish. Because I have a large family that expects me to come see them. A dying Grandfather who may literally be in the midst of his last Christmas. But I still feel like I can't just be myself around them. And that makes me partly not even feel like seeing them. There's a small part of me that just wants to push everybody away and just be completely on my own. Maybe not forever, but at least for tomorrow. And that's not me. Heck, I'm the guy who hates being alone. But lately, I'm starting to feel like the only time I get to actually be myself is when I'm by myself. There's that part of me that wants to just say eff it, start hitting everybody 100% with the truth. See how that feels for a change. I was watching Love Actually last night with the wife, I love that movie so much. And the storyline (spoilers, I suppose) with Andrew Lincoln and Keira Knightly has always gotten to me, but this year it felt even more so. Because I know what that unrequited love feels like now. I still have feelings for my friend, of course I do. But I have to be Andrew Lincoln here. I have to let it go and move on, once and for all. And I want to do it without cutting him out of my life, because there's a part of me that has already gotten past the romantic interest and that part hopefully will continue to gain momentum. We have a special relationship either way. He does love me, just not in that way (his words, we talked last night, and I said pretty much all of this to him). And I love him, and just because it can't be romantic doesn't mean I can't still have that love. I just need to learn to reign it in. To not give him all of my love. To treat him more like a friend and less like a potential boyfriend. As Andrew Lincoln says at the end of that great scene in Love Actually with the cue cards, "enough." Right now, I'm just feeling like I'm not particularly happy with myself. And I think that's where everything needs to start. I need to find my own happiness. I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to get past my fears of rejection and abandonment. I'm actually a pretty awesome person, so why don't I just own it? And people will either love me for me or they won't and that's okay. I feel like I'm ready to just be the strongest version of myself already. Or at least, I want to be ready for it. I'm not actually there yet. Hell, I'm still not even ready to let go of the love my wife and I have. I need to, I think, for her sake. But when we're cuddling and holding each other as we have been lately, it feels so comforting. I wish I understood why I'm not mentally blocking the idea of having sex with her. But that's a whole other rabbit hole to go down.
Can't add much if anything but I feel that way myself. Current holiday plan is "fake it till I make it" or such. After all, it's almost a brand new year! 365 fresh days where things can go horridly wrong! :icon_bigg (&&&) PC
I can relate to your feelings in this holiday season! I can even comprehend the change in the last year. A year ago I was married, in my house, and since then came out to family, ended said marriage, left said home. Also in that span changed careers, buried two dogs, a grandfather, and unfortunately, most recently, my Mom. Every fiber of me wants to move away. I can't face my conservative family, my grieving father, my loving yet somewhat ignorant siblings. I just want to move away, find out who I am on my own, and revisit this reality at another date. But I, like the previous poster, have been saying "Fake it til' I make it" all season long. And will likely continue to do so for everyone else's sake. Sorry I don't have very sage advice for you. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Man, your wife and friend both sound awesome (not a word I use too often)! I can totally get why you don't want to lose them. Personally, I think you should consider small steps toward making some changes - do something (possibly gay) that is new to you - volunteering maybe? Or part time study. Meet new people. Either your old bonds will remain strong or will naturally fade - sad but less painful than trying to break things off suddenly. Be fair to them too, yeah? Sounds to me you've already done the Andrew Lincoln bit and revealed all your cards, so what does he do after that. I notice he is still at the airport at the end XX
I've definitely talked to my friend about this since then, and he's again stressed that he loves me but in a totally platonic way. And that's okay! I partly think half the reason I still think I have feelings for him is because he's the only gay guy I'm really close to. We share a lot of emotional intimacy still, as best friends tend to do, and I am attracted to him, so that's a mix that makes things easily clouded in my head at times. But I can accept that it's just not going to be, and that doesn't mean I have to care for him any less, it just means I need to shift away from the romantic feelings. In an ironic way, that's kind of what has happened with my wife. I still love her greatly, but I don't know that I have romantic feelings for her anymore. And maybe that's partly because said feelings were shifted over to him. I hate to say that I just need to find somebody new to shift the feelings towards, but maybe that's true in a way. Either way, it's all about just accepting realities and being an adult about it. that's a good idea about maybe volunteering somewhere! I would like to start doing more things, maybe take on a new activity or two in the new year. My wife and I have "separated" for the moment. We're still discussing if a more permanent break makes more sense. It's hard for me to let go when I know I love her, and I know how heart broken she is over the whole thing. At the same time, I did throw my hat into one of those popular dating sites just to test the waters and see if there's any interest out there...I don't know, thinking that nobody would be interested in me is a very real concern sometimes. So far, it's going well! Talking to a few guys, and have at least one "date" already. Definitely a confidence booster, though it doesn't make the overall situation any easier. Thank you guys for the thoughts!
Given you have thrown the proverbial hat in the ring, and are getting some early success, along with having "separated" for the moment, how about now throwing out a wide net! While others have suggested small steps, and that works for some, I would advise to go big and wide. To go big and wide, you would need to ask if your prepared to completely come out. You have begun taking the first steps and received good support..... In regards to different ways of meeting people: Apps are just a one channel to use for meeting people. Given most of the apps are primarily geared towards hook ups, while they can lead to meeting people for long term relationships, the might prove to be a bit frustrating in the early days. If what your looking for is hook ups, then that definitely will work! Volunteering at gay organizations can be another way to meet people as suggested, given where you live, you should have no issues there. Gay social organizations can be a great way to meet people! If you play any sports, I am sure there are specific LGBT sport leagues in New York that you can join. In London, there are theater groups, dinner groups, travel groups in addition to running, football, rugby and other sport leagues. Do some research. The final thing I would mention, I appreciate your relationship with your wife is important for you today. But it may or may not be in the future. At the same time, she is going through her own assessment of what her needs are. At some point, her needs are your needs may no longer connect. If and when that happens, you may want to be prepared to let her go. Now, your circumstances might be different, who knows, but I would just keep that in mind as you continue on your journey.
Given you have thrown the proverbial hat in the ring, and are getting some early success, along with having "separated" for the moment, how about now throwing out a wide net! While others have suggested small steps, and that works for some, I would advise to go big and wide. To go big and wide, you would need to ask if your prepared to completely come out. You have begun taking the first steps and received good support..... In regards to different ways of meeting people: Apps are just a one channel to use for meeting people. Given most of the apps are primarily geared towards hook ups, while they can lead to meeting people for long term relationships, the might prove to be a bit frustrating in the early days. If what your looking for is hook ups, then that definitely will work! Volunteering at gay organizations can be another way to meet people as suggested, given where you live, you should have no issues there. Gay social organizations can be a great way to meet people! If you play any sports, I am sure there are specific LGBT sport leagues in New York that you can join. In London, there are theater groups, dinner groups, travel groups in addition to running, football, rugby and other sport leagues. Do some research. The final thing I would mention, I appreciate your relationship with your wife is important for you today. But it may or may not be in the future. At the same time, she is going through her own assessment of what her needs are. At some point, her needs are your needs may no longer connect. If and when that happens, you may want to be prepared to let her go. Now, your circumstances might be different, who knows, but I would just keep that in mind as you continue on your journey.
