I have to give up

I understand you very well. But please, even if you choose to live the rest of your life hiding who you are, PLEASE don't go back to your husband! He is manipulative and abusive, regardless of the reason you "give" him. Please understand - he will never change. I know that, because I have this expierience in my life. People like your husband will find the reason to make you feel guilty in every situation. You will live the rest of your life feeling guilty for your every move. Trust me.

If it makes you feel better - tell him what he wants to hear and leave. You don't have to fix anything. If you don't have the courage to come out, then don't. You get to choose when and if you will do that. Maybe it's enought to come out to yourself.

 

My heart breaks for you Gillian. It is awful to be it what appears to be a no win situation. Yes. You need to do whatever will get you through today and the weeks, months, maybe even years ahead. But I do hope you don't give up on your dreams. I used to think being gay was a curse. And some days I still think it is. But more and more I believe it is not a curse, but instead a gift. I believe it is a gift because it really truly allows you to experience a deep deep love - not something mechanical, not just what everyone seems to be doing. I think that is why there is such a deep connection between all of us when we read of your pain. Yes. Right now it is awful. You may have to retreat. But don't give up. I gave up when I was young and I regret everyday the time I wasted and the lie I lived. Gillian, even when you are in the closet, you are not alone. We are there with you!

 

Oh Gillian, I'm so sorry. I read your first post. I can relate to everything, my ex is like this too. With the help of people here on EC, who actually pointed out to me that my ex's behaviour is abusive, I was able to realize - on an emotional level - that no, I can't put up with what he's doing any longer.

I understand so well how hard it is. You write in your post that you are "weak and pathetic". You are not. Please know this. You're absolutely not. That's the self-hate talking. The hardest step to take is the one that enables you to say, "I'm right - and he's wrong." What is the evidence for your being right and him being wrong? Only what you feel deep inside. Please trust it. Somewhere inside you, you know that he's not treating you right. That you're hurting, and he's blind to it.

Please know that once that step has been taken, the fog clears. All you have to do is trust your instinct. It's very hard, but it's also because you're listening to the sound of his voice. He doesn't get to tell you what's true for you. If you feel that amount of self-hate, then something is very wrong in the dynamic between you and him. One person isn't supposed to feel that way while the other blames them. No. No way.

Maybe right now you are out of strength. But you'll get it back. You'll have more strength again. Keep listening to yourself, don't reject yourself. We're here for you (&&&)

 

Double what Sorrel just said!

 

I'm sorry that you feel yourself to be where you find yourself...it doesn't sound like a good place.

I cannot and will not judge your decision. I'll only say that if you choose not to deal with this now, then you're choosing to deal with it later. It's not really a choice to simply not deal with it at all. There is nothing pathetic or weak about where you are...it's just that we deal with things as we are able, and as of today, you're not there yet. When it gets bad enough, you'll find a way. When that time comes, know that we're here for you. *hugs*

 

Sorry; I've been away. But I echo what these other people have said. Be strong.

 

I'm in the same boat. Stay strong.

 

You're being very hard on yourself. These are not selfish urges. You are not having these feelings in order to hurt anyone.

Think of it this way. Do you remember transitive and intransitive verbs?
Being gay is intransitive. Being mean is transitive. You are mean to someone but you simply can't be gay to someone. You just are gay.

Aren't we always being told we can't control others, we can only control our reactions to them? Try to imagine your husband was someone else. With a different personality with different interpersonal skills. Now imagine his reaction to this situation. It would be different, right? But you're still the same in this scenario. So...how could you be the cause of this? In this equation, you are the constant, he is the variable. Not your fault.

Not. Your. Fault.

I believe the difference to living your life gay is that you would be happier. All day long. Not just that fraction you calculate it would manifest itself. Everybody deserves to be happy. You included.

 

First of all, I'd like to second Really's post. She's a fount of wisdom, that one.


Now for a few words (more like a wall of text) of my own. Please note that I am no therapist. I would, however, like to share some advice out of my own experience which, unfortunately (?) doesn't include having a family of my own with a life partner and kids. I want to say that I would like to remain humble in that regard and say that I can only try to imagine what it must feel like for you to be in your situation. I hope I can be helpful anyway. My impression is that your heart is in dire need of some compassionate attention, attentive compassion, leading to emotional healing. No one else can do this for you except yourself, but I can try to give some advice out of my own experience according to what others taught me that I found helpful.

I know how it feels when you judge yourself to be selfish for what you are and for how you feel. It feels horrible: it's pitch dark, it's heart-shattering, and it's terribly lonely.

I would invite you to reflect on where this judgment comes from, because I believe it is not truly your own judgment, but one that has been thrown at you that you have, in turn, internalized, possibly as a defense mechanism. Here's how I believe the logic of it used to work with me:

"Guilt is painful because it hurts to see people I love in pain, especially when I feel like I'm the cause of that pain."

So far, so good. Nothing wrong with this.

"Therefore I should protect myself from getting into situations where I will feel guilty."

Still, nothing wrong with this. Seems pretty healthy to me. Sometimes we internalize more than that though, because the capacity for guilt makes us vulnerable. Combine that with high intellect, a well-developed imagination and sensitivity (Note: I'm not saying over-sensitivity, but well-developed sensitivity), and you've got yourself (not only a captivating woman, by the way) but one who can is perhaps especially vulnerable to manipulation through guilt.

I invite you to face your feelings of guilt courageously. Try to find a quiet moment. Go for a walk or something, get some you-time in a place where you can have some privacy and sit with your emotions. I would invite you to explore your emotions and the memories they're attached to, but first it is vital that you make a conscious decision to be compassionate towards yourself. Try to "step outside" yourself and treat yourself and the past you of your own memories with the same level of compassion that you treat your husband and other people you love. Try to be conscious of when you feel yourself passing judgment upon yourself. In those moments, with those particular memories in mind, I would ask you to consider how you might judge that situation if you had been a witness to that situation as opposed to a party in it.

If you have read or seen Harry Potter, I'm sure you know what a pensieve is. Now, you can't access others' memories, but you can access your own. Try to treat your mind like that: You can't change the past, but you can change your perspective on what happened.

Try to think about what it is that actually causes you feelings of guilt in your relationship to your husband. When you're hurting from feelings of guilt, what images come to mind? Do you feel scared as well? If so, what are you afraid of?

When do you remember feeling like this for the first time? What situations and images come to your mind as you try to remember? I know it's a psychological cliché, but I think you'll find they're often closely linked to childhood memories. Then, I would invite you to re-assess the situation from your outsider's perspective as an adult, with primary compassionate attention towards your past self. If you find that to be difficult, try to imagine it being your child or another dearly beloved person in your situation and then ask yourself how you would feel about that happening to them.

You are worthy of all the love and compassion that you are willing to give others—and more. Please remember that.

Finally, for now, is there someone you can ask for support in your situation? Someone you trust who might empathize if you sat them down and said, "Listen, I really need to talk to someone about something that's troubling me. Would it be alright if I confide in you? This is a very emotional subject for me, so please be aware that emotional displays may occur…" Someone who won't simply try to fix you, but who has the courage and compassion to share in your vulnerability for as long as you need to talk? For me, that was a therapist and people online, but some people out there are lucky to find the support they need in real life as well.

In the meantime, please treat yourself with the kindness and consideration you show others. (*hug*)

Love,
PG

 

Listen to Sorrel. She is right.

It worries me when you say that he "launched an attack" on you. If he is abusing or controlling you in any way, then that is a problem that goes way beyond issues of sexuality, and you need to address that. Right now.

I know it seems easier, but I promise you that the answer is not to stuff yourself away and try to conform to someone else's dictated version of you. That is only a recipe for misery, and as biannika says, you will just end up dealing with it later anyway. This doesn't just go away, because it is part of who you are. Wherever you go, you always bring yourself with you.

Fear and guilt are powerful things, but they are not forces for good. They will destroy you if you let them.

 

It's actually a pretty recent discovery if mine that living my life in a way that is respectful of who I am at my core really makes a huge difference in my overall wellbeing. And I think this, for me, is the difference living my life as gay makes. It makes a difference in my overall wellbeing. Even if life isn't exactly all milk and honey all of the time (it certainly is not), I have more hope, and energy, and interest and investment in my life tHan i did before. And that matters. It does for you too.

There's also this--this website is chock full of people like you who have tried *very* hard to live as a straight person--really wanted to be able to tough it out-- and just couldnt keep it up forever, and ultimately ended up feeling it was better to live as non-straight. It sounds like you were miserable enough to venture a bit out of the closet. It was strong of you to do that and then you were faced with some difficult (and probably manipulative) stuff from your husband and you are looking back toward the closet. And also you are talking to us. I think all of us here understand the pull to the closet. It doesn't make you weak. Just human. I think there's often an in and out dance with the closet and I think it's great that you are sharing your dance with us.And I'm sorry it is such a miserable dance.

 

I am not married, but I plan on getting married some time in the future. There are times where I feel like had I been more aware and accepting of my feelings then my life would have turned out differently.

I have 4 kids, but my 3 youngest are by the same man (ex); he and I were together on and off since I was 19 years old, which seems like a lifetime ago. Ever since we got together I have always felt like I've robbed him of having the traditional life of settling down, having a family etc. Because I was struggling with my sexuality at the time, even though I was out to everyone has bisexual. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions that I've had to seek professional help, which has helped tremendously. Even now, I am taking an anti-anxiety/depression medication because hey, life can be quite overwhelming.

I deal with the guilt all of the time because he has always wanted to settle down with me, but I don't think I would be happy being with ONLY him. We discussed having an open relationship, but those conversations always turned into arguments, so we avoid them altogether.

I am dating someone else at the moment, and I feel like I am repeating the cycle all over again just with someone new, which is why I am here. I'm here for you if you ever wanna talk, take care and don't be too hard on yourself (*hug*)

 

Hey Gillian,

I'm glad to read you're starting to see how things can get better for you even if you don't know how to go about it today.

You are definitely not evil or f'ed up. Your lack/limited experience with women is irrelevant. Many of us have little to no experience and know this in our bones. You are no different. This is not a whim!

Try to think about what you would do if you weren't married and had the freedom to choose who you'd like to date, etc? Is there any question? Well, I think you've already answered that, right?

You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. And so does your husband, for that matter. (Has anyone pointed out this site to you, yet? Straight Spouse Network. Your husband could benefit from this.)

What if you listed out some pros and cons of staying and then thought about what you might do to eliminate the cons.

I hope you'll keep coming here because we support you, no matter what.

 

I'm sorry you're going through so much strife with this situation. I really can't imagine how you are dealing with it.

It's understandable that you want to stay, because you love him in someway, and you feel as though you're to blame for his emotional downturn. You realizing that you may be a lesbian, like many have pointed out to you multiple times on your threats, is not a reason for someone to act in such a way, and it is not your fault that he is having such a hard time dealing with this. I imagine no matter how many times someone tells you that it is not your fault, though, you still imagine it is.

At this point, it's not about your sexuality anymore. Yes you feel a certain way. Yes you're unsure of exactly what you feel because you've never been with a woman, therefore have limited understanding of what that life fully looks and feels like. Yes it's messier because you're married and someone's going to get hurt. Despite your sexuality, despite your love for him, and despite your guilt over wanting to leave him, you need to look at this treatment. Forgetting everything else, do you want to be with someone who is so controlling? Who turns to anger and threats when you're going through a hard time? Who is basing his happiness solely on you?

That last one might sound romantic to some: basing happiness solely on you -- but can you see how unhealthy and harmful it is?

I hope that someday, you can find the strength to leave this person, completely. You are not weak for staying, you are being self destructive by staying. I know this is such a tough situation. I'm sure that he is angry, and does feel extremely hurt by you wanting to leave him, but what he is doing and saying to you is not love, or logic. I just think you ought to look at this situation with your sexuality taken out of it. Is this behavior towards you appropriate, and something you want to deal with for the rest of your life?