How to suggest an open marriage? How did you do that?

Dear Soulstone, I would go out to eat with my h and a pretty lady would walk by, and he would point her out to me and remark on her hot appearance. So for me, that would be an opening to say - "yeah I bet you'd like to xyz her? Yeah I'd like that too... remember I like women? Maybe one day you'd be cool with me doing that? Just to try it out, and I can tell you all about it" or something like that?

Or maybe your h is unique and doesn't point out women on TV or IRL. But mine does ALL THE TIME.

For me personally, the h always knew I was bi, and always said I could be w/ women. So I never had to have 'the talk' with him. Even though I didn't know "for sure" that I was bi myself until this year (maybe lesbian?).

Is he cool with you liking women?

STOPPING all this and just being a nice happy wife again is something I've thought about tons of times. Like, why can't I just go back to how it was? But it's slowly dawning on me that I've changed, and maybe that means I can never be happy again? Or maybe it means I can never live without regret again (because leaving him would kill me with guilt, and leaving her would make me feel like I'm killing part of myself) sorry ranting. I just had to say I think that all the time and maybe It's possible to go back? But maybe it's just not possible. sigh.

 

Here's another question for you to consider: What if you fall in love with another woman? Try to think beyond the "purely" physical stuff.

 

I feel like you are me. ALL of this is exactly me.

I don't really know what to do with myself, but I know I'm not happy. My husband is super religious, so I'm really scared about what he will say, and I know he wouldn't be open to an open marriage. And I'm not even sure that is what I want, because I want to have a love and life with a woman, and not just have a girlfriend to fill a need that isn't being met. I also don't think it would be fair to my husband, as I would probably spend more time building my relationship with her, than with him.

I want things to change, too. It's just so hard, isn't it? It's such a daunting road ahead. (*hug*)

 

I've chosen the divorce path, so I'm not going to advise you on how to suggest an open marriage. Rather, make sure that you think through all outcomes before you start down this path with your husband.

What if he says "no"

You should be prepared for the outcome of your husband saying no. Would you be OK staying married? What if he suggests divorce? Are you OK with that?

What if he says "yes"

While an open marriage would allow you to experiment openly, at some point you may discover that you are a lesbian and need to dissolve the marriage in order to live authentically. Things get more complicated if you discover that you are bisexual or meet a woman who you fall in love with. Keep these in mind.

What if he says "maybe"

What would the timeline for a decision be?

Good luck

 

What sienna fire said. I couldn't suggest an open marriage because I didn't want HIM falling in love with someone else and dissolving the marriage.

 

It sounds like the only reason you don't want to end the marriage is because of the kids. Not because you love him. If that's the case, it's best to end it.you are depriving the two of you of true happiness.

 

I am right now doing the "open Marriage thing" except my lover lives with us. My husband and I have been dealing with the changes in our relationship since our second child- and when I had a moment to find out for sure- I asked and he was ok with it.

I did not expect to fall in love- and I did- and while we are all still living together for my children and financial support- it takes a lot of give and take.

I have no idea how emotional attached you can be- but for me- if there is no emotional connection- there is no physical- so why I thought I would not fall in love is beyond me.

All I can say is start the conversation- you don't know how it will go until you- then you can make decisions- otherwise you are putting the cart before the horse

PS I love my husband-as well- and he understands that I will never share his bed again. we have been together for 15 years- while divorce will happen eventually- it will not stop my loving him

 

A few months ago I simply told him that I was bi now; that I had awakened to my sexual attraction toward women. He asked me if I planned on cheating or if I thought I was gay all the way. I said no to both. I was very unhappy for about six months because I do desire a relationship with a woman. But I knew an open marriage was not in the cards for me, so I let that go for now. Maybe in a few years I will return to the idea.

He and I talk in a very limited way about my desires. Mostly in wink-wink joking kind of way.

 

I'm going to jump in here too, now that I am back from vacation. I'm out to my husband (came out during crisis, but he knew about past experiences during high school), and we share fantasies and dreams and looking at women.

I completely get where you are coming from. My husband and I have been together since we were 14/15. We broke up during college for a couple of months (long story, but so he would get help for depression) and I chose not to date anyone else. I was convinced we'd get back together, and I was pretty sure I'd want a woman and I wasn't ready to go there.

Anyway, back in October, he told me that he knows I'd like to be with a woman someday, and neither of us is ready for that today. It seems super complicated with the kids. That said, I would MUCH rather operate with his knowledge and permission than cheat on him.

I'm seeing my bff tomorrow, which is always fun, and also totally frustrating sexually, but we focus on the friendship and try to ignore the massive sexual tension between us.