Christmas 2015 is winding down as I start this post. It cannot possibly end soon enough. This last week has been hard. This is not new--every holiday season has been horrible in recent memory. This year seems worse than ever; however, that may just be that I'm living it now, and those past seasons are removed from the present by the passage of time. Although my memory of Christmas 2014 suggests it was easier in the end than it was this year. And this year had one "special" touch. I've been on Facebook more, and cute little posts picturing my father keep flashing up on my news feed. They show him as he spends his Christmas with his current wife and at least one of her children. Each photo slaps me across the face, saying: even your closest family doesn't want you. He was in contact, saying he wants to see me in the next couple of weeks. Likely thing is that it'll be another fast lunch "in between" more important/more interesting things... And I almost certainly will have to remind him, maybe even nag for him to remember this lunch date. And, as I've whined a lot before, no close friends in the area. Close friends, of course, would likely have had their own holiday events to go to. However, maybe, I think, a friends or two would mean I could have done something that would have taken some of the sting of loneliness away. And I attended Christmas Eve services last night. Same church as last year, but, I think, felt more dead with the experience than I did in the past. Certainly more lonely and isolated. I'm not a member of that church, but I have attended enough services and other events that I am known by name to many. Many greeted me briefly, but only one actually bothered to talk to me for more than 30 seconds. This church does a passing of peace during the service, and one woman came in my direction. I held out my hand, and she looked...shocked? She took it, but headed to someone else. That other woman had been her target all along; I was just an inconvenient road block, I guess. And then Tuesday, I went to a regular event elsewhere, and stayed for social hour. Ended up a wall flower, like usual, as the people who were left ended up in their own circles. Something, somehow, needs to change, and yet I have no idea how to change it... As I ponder the thought of trying to make friends, I feel both overwhelmed, and hopeless. I've doing stuff that logically should allow me to meet people for two :***: years. I'm just as alone and lonely as ever. Obviously, none of these events will work. But where do you find something that will work? (And, while working, cost $0. There is an LGBT event coming up I'd half thought of going to, until I priced it. $11 is not much, but it ain't happenin' with my current budget.) And just the thought of try, try again wears me down. I could try a church for 3 months...and try another for 3 months...and keep doing this. And totally wear myself down--as a guy with off-the-chart introversion, going into new environments is extremely wearing. And to focus this back on the LGBT side... What are the chances of ever having a boyfriend if I can't even make a casual friend? Indeed, I have thought that the most logical way of finding a relationship might be to start as friends. Rather than just cruising through unnameable cell phone apps, looking for a guy who looks hot. (And the fact that I call these apps "unnameable" rather than making some cute crack about "can't be named or [disaster name] will occur" shows how worn down I am by this week.) At least, it's over. For a year. And Thank God 2016 is a leap year, which puts off the inevitable an extra day. Not much reprieve, but I will take it.
Oh god, this seems terrible...I'm so sorry. Does your dad at least know that you're that straight? Is that maybe why he "doesn't want you?" You sound like an amazing person, in truth, just broken. No, not broken, bent. You're bent, you can be bent back. Why do you think your dad is acting like that? Why don't you confront him about it? If you ever need anything, VM me. I'll reply soon as I can. You can get through this. Nobody should spend Christmas in compounded misery.
Thanks! Officially, I haven't come out to him. But...I have privately wondered if he hasn't guessed I'm gay. I've also wondered if this couldn't be one issue for the problems in our relationship. Who knows? I've honestly tried to figure it out for years with no success. I'm considering this.
This sounds terribly lonely. I am sorry. I'm not really sure how a person goes about making friends in real life. Most of my real and true friends now are people I met online in various ways. now that Christmas is done, hopefully things will feel better and you can move through this to better days.
I'm glad to see that you're making an effort to get out and meet people. I realize it's not easy for an introvert. I think you're on the cusp of turning things around but it will take just a little "tweaking". Make a point everyday of finding something to be positive about; something to be thankful for and then share it with someone, anyone. With time, you will see a difference in yourself and in those around you. I really hope this helps and I wish you the very best in the new year.
Yes. Thank God it's over. But know what? The weather here is silly. It was 70 on Christmas eve. Some years its been 7! So, I was able to go out for a walk. Actually a few. And what I noticed was that not every house had a driveway full of cars. No grandmas opening their front doors to their Hallmark families. Oh, a few lights here and there, but lots of lonely people. Not that misery loves company, but I've come to accept that holidays are great for some people, but really make situations even worse for lots of us. So here's what I've decided. 1. I can't change my family. They make their choices. If there's no place at their table for me, I'm not going to stand outside their window staring in. 2. My dream guy is not going to come knocking at my door one night because his car broke down and he needs to spend the night. If fact, he's never even going to come driving up my street. 3. I am too isolated where I live. I need to move. And I think I want to move where I can walk. Walk alot. Walk to places where there are other people walking. Talking. If I stay stuck here, I will spend the rest of my life, alone in my car, stuck in traffic going to the mall. Stuck behind people buying crap that no one needs, with money that don't have, because everyone seems to be doing the same thing. I guess if I don't start making changes now, I'll begin the same situation next Christmas. But it likely won't be in the 70s two years in a row!
You've created a self-fulfilling prophesy for yourself. You forecast that Christmas is going to suck. You plod along during the Christmas season because Christmas sucks anyway. Afterwards you look for and cite evidence to support your belief that Christmas sucked. I'm wondering if you can recognize this pattern in other areas of your life? Your pessimism and your need to put yourself down is what needs to change. You can no longer allow yourself to indulge in this counterproductive behavior. Do you have a therapist with whom to work on this?
Thinking about gifts at Christmas. I really am grateful for this forum and the wonderful people who are all part of it. I used to think being gay was a curse. That it made life so difficult. More difficult than being straight. Now I believe being gay is not a curse, but a gift. Its like the gift of sight. Of hearing. It is a gift that allows you to experience so much more in life. I glad I share this gift with so many of you and how wonderful it is to be part of each others lives, albeit in cyberspace. I hope this support will make for better days and hopefully, better holidays ahead for all of us. Thank you all so very much!
I feel that God made me the way I am. And yes, I used to get angry at him. But now I see my sexuality as a gift as well. If my sexuality was changed even a little, the whole person that I am would change completely.
BMC77 I'm sorry you had a crappy holiday. It sure does feel like the emphasis we all put on holidays are a major slap in the face to folks like us. It's good that you still get out there. I was alone too this christmas too i went to the airport and ate chicken wings chips and arizonas by myself. I can say you have a much better attitude than me about things. I don't date other than just fwb.
