Ive become a hermit... And I feel so alone.

I've been pretty hermit-y most of my life but lately I've been actually trying to find reasons to go out. Not all specifically social events but anything where there will be new people, gay or maybe gay. And doing it on my own. None of this trying to find someone to go with nonsense.

I hope you've checked out something cool to do while you're in nyc. Even just as a spectator.
Gay & Lesbian | Lesbian & Gay Bars and Events | Time Out New York

PS. You're not pathetic. You're proactive.

 

I can definitely relate. I tried to push myself to be more social (I do love being around other people) but I found I just got critical of myself for not being more engaging. I, too, am a wallflower. This thought just leads to me feeling even more socially awkward and that just drives me back to the safety of my own space.

But, what I am coming to realize, that I don't *need* to be engaging. Just getting out, being around others is enough. Maybe my *thing* is being the observer. I learn more about people by watching them interact with others than if I were to interact with them directly. I stopped trying to be something I think I *should* be. And this works. People actually approach me more. They see I'm comfortable by being a little awkward (if that makes sense.) People come up to me all the time to talk. I learn without asking, just let them open up on their own terms. And I end up doing the same.

You are who you are. Personal growth is an odd balance of going outside of your comfort zone (but not too far!) while letting things happen as they will. To accept what is while knowing you're always in the state of becoming.

 

I can relate also. I've never been very comfortable at "parties," and when I do go, I tend to stay with people I already know rather than mingle. I tend to be much more comfortable in group settings when there is some activity involved. For instance, while I really don't like going to regular old parties, when I got into playing music, I really enjoyed going to "jam sessions."

I'm also in the situation where most of my friends are married or in some kind of long-term relationship, so I kind of feel like the odd-one out or the third wheel at times when we do things together. All but one of my single friends are guys, who may not want me around, because they don't want to appear "taken" should the opportunity to pick up a chick arise, so most of our social engagements are stay at home sort of affairs.

There is a small gay scene here, and I'm thinking about trying to get out and attend some of the local lgbt events and such, but it's really against my nature, which is probably a large part of why I'm still single. Hard to meet people, if you always hang with the same crowd :>

 

Hey Giiirl,

Since we're practically the same person (that's how I think of us because our issues are always so similar, lol), I can once again say I relate, especially about feeling like you don't fit in either group. I don't know if this is some kind of internalized, self-aimed homophobia, but there are times I look at lesbians and think, "this is not how I am. Maybe I'm not a lesbian. I don't find anyone here attractive, blah blah." Now, these are MY OWN thoughts. I'm not sure they're how you feel, but it's my inner dialogue when I'm out there, being all uptight and freaked out. And I think a lot of it is about cutting off the idea that you're hanging out with "gay" people. I certainly don't feel like I'm covered in gayness. I'm like you: femme (actually not sure if you are, so ignore if not), business casual, internally and quietly artsy...maybe a little more nerdy/geeky about art than artsy most of the time. And then after ALL of that -- I happen to like androgynous femme girls. GIRLS. So, even though I look straight, run with the mostly straight, and feel comfortable in the straight crowd, I'm certainly not -- so I do crave being around people who are gay, understand me, and will help a gay sista out with her gayness.

Now. That all may have been blabber rubbish. Something you might want to think about is, why do you feel uncomfortable? When I feel this way, I think it's because there's no one I feel like I can relate to. When I'm uncomfortable amongst a lot of gay women, I notice it's because they don't look like me, and therefore I feel like I can't identify. When I'm uncomfortable around a lot of straight people (who don't know my orientation), it's the same thing. This happens around family at holidays or parties -- when everyone's slow dancing or sitting and talking. I look around, think that I want to be doing this with a woman, and then I feel totally out of place. I think it's just a head trip. Next time, try sitting in the midst of the 'gay' gatherings, and get to know people. You'll probably find that you can find someone to relate to and become friends with. Lots of gay women and men LOVE Pinterest. And--not that you do this--don't be worried that someone you're not attracted to will think you're into them if you start talking. You're just there getting to know people. It would be the same with non-gay people that you didn't already know. So no more putting Soundofmusic in the corner! Maybe think of it like, Really, or Mellie, or I could be at one of these places. You'd never know, and we all get along here!! You just have to get to know people.

And about flying to NYC because trigger's coming home...NOT pathetic. I was just telling someone the other day how I have to move somewhere else (I wanted to move where Trigger lives now) because that state won't be big enough for the two of us. Make the most of it, and go have fun. The city's awesome, and Brooklyn's full of hot androg chicks. Wait. You're not into that ... so find one for me and direct her here. :icon_wink

Stop being so hard on yourself. Also, maybe being a hermit right now isn't such a bad thing. I like to regroup sometimes by hermitting myself. Maybe you need a little quiet time.

 

Soundofmusic, I know how you feel with your straight group of friends. Did you ever think of asking a couple of your close friends if they would go to a gay bar or pride festival or something like that with you? Have you ever gone on vacation by yourself? I am kind of a hermit myself, married friends doing the family or couple thing, single straight friends chasing women. I guess we need some gay friends to hang out with? Hang in there soundofmusic you are not alone. Only you can decide to make changes in your life to make you happy. The advice I give is the advice I seek.

 

This does sound a bit more like true actual social anxiety which can be a disorder and linked to depression.

It is classic "avoidance" of uncomfortable anxiety producing situations

Whilst this can be overcome by pushing yourself, I wonder if there is any help you could get from your doctor with either counselling or get checked out for depression. If only to rule it out?

 

Hey there! I'm in a similar situation too. So at least we're alone this this together. Hang in there!

 

I'm in the same situation right now. I recently finished school and moved to another town and I feel like the only genuie friends I ever had are too busy with their own life to show any interest in me right now. I'm afraid they might even forget me, as we live further apart from each other. I only have my mum and one friend who lives ~500km apart to talk to via skype but that's all.
I have no real interest in hanging out with people from work because I can't relate with them. They are rather superficial and don't share my interests at all, so I stay at home most of the time. I'm getting pretty depressed.

How do some of you manage to go to gay parties or bars all by themselves? I'm pretty introvert and usually avoid parties or crowded places. The only gay event I went to was the lection of a lesbian author that was also sponsored by the local gay community but it was pretty awkward since there were couples and groups of friends all around me who all seemed to know each other (+ most of them were much older than me).I just sat there on my own, drank wine and tried to look as little lonely and helpless as possible... it was strange.