Last New Year's, I made a post on Facebook about how 2015 was going to be my year of painstaking honesty and authenticity. I had just moved across the country from Trigger, I was deeply depressed because I felt like there was no way out, and I made a resolution to change my circumstances as I realized that I was completely responsible for my own happiness, and had nobody to blame for my depression. At the time of said-post, I really didn't expect to be as far as I am now in just a year. There have been several times recently that I've felt "stagnant" or "stuck" in my journey, but reflecting on the past year (and especially the past 3 months), I have to say that I have come so far and I am extremely proud of that. I spent the first 9 months of 2015 trying to repair my marriage. I think I felt like if I was honest with myself and my husband, that we could "work through" my sexuality and come to some sort of arrangement that would work for both of us. As time went on, it became increasingly apparent that, though he is a very loving and understanding man, I was not going to find fulfillment within a straight marriage--regardless of any arrangements that might be made. My soul ached for a connection that I had yet to experience--but somehow I knew that it was out there. Guys, I tried. I really, really tried to stay in my marriage. I tried to find every reason to stay. And (especially with two small children involved) there were a lot. But something's been pushing me. I can't really explain it, I don't know what it is or was. I had the answer and I tried to deny it and I felt something leading me along, telling me everything was going to be okay if I just had faith in the journey. September 22nd was the I told my husband that I was leaving the marriage to pursue a happy, fulfilled life as a lesbian which I couldn't really see or feel yet but which I knew was the answer. September 22nd, I decided that fear was not going to control my life. I decided the worst thing I could do for my children was stay as miserable as I was, and the only way to escape my misery was to live authentically. A few weeks before the big reveal, I was reading before bed (as I usually do). My favorite writer is Cheryl Strayed. Years ago, her memoir _Wild_ changed my life (if you are a woman, you need to read it--if you've seen the movie, but haven't read the book, this is especially true, because the movie leaves so much out). I was reading her book _Tiny Beautiful Things_, which is a collection of responses she wrote as an (at the time) anonymous advice columnist. And I remember, on this particular night, I was just done--I was so exhausted from everything and I didn't know how to go on, I spent much of the day crying and screaming into my pillow, and I came upon this, which she wrote in response to someone wondering if she should leave her comfortable life with her husband for something more that was burning in her soul: "Go, even though you love him. Go, even though he's kind and faithful and dear to you. Go, even though he's your best friend and you're his. Go, even though you can't imagine your life without him. Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him. Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three. Go, even though you once said you would stay. Go, even though you're afraid of being alone. Go, even though you're sure no one else will ever love you as well as he does. Go, even though there is nowhere to go. Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay. Go, because you want to. Because wanting to leave is enough. Get a pen. Write that last sentence on your palm....Then read it over and over again until your tears have washed it away." There is more to this, but that did it for me. It's enough to want to go, even though you can't see two steps ahead of you. It's okay to step blindly into a world of unknowns because you know that if you don't, you're as good as dead inside. It's December 29th. Tomorrow I am going to look at, and hopefully sign a lease for, a small condo closer to my job. A job I didn't have a year ago. A job I just got a few months ago after years of being a stay-at-home mom. A job that I was just promoted at yesterday. A job that doesn't pay much at all, but makes me happy, and works around my schedule as I get my teaching license. The teaching license I wanted to get years ago, but never could, because it was never the right time. Because right here and now is and always was the right time. And I met an amazing woman. And I am so smitten with her it's unbelievable. And it seems fast, I know, but we're just enjoying the time we have together without making any huge jumps. I am going to live on my own for awhile, prove to myself that I can do it, and if life affords me the opportunity to share my life with her in the future, I would be honored and overjoyed. Because she's fucking awesome. I've been seeing a lot of negative posts here lately as I lurk, and I just wanted to put this out there: if you want it, if you truly feel it and you truly DESIRE it, you can do it. You can change your circumstances, and it's not too late. I'm sure there are SO many hardships ahead for me, and my life is, really, a mess right now, let's be honest. But I am on my way--I knew staying was no longer an option for me, and for the first time in a very long time, I am so excited about my future.
So happy for you Mellie! You were working against so much fear and uncertainty, but did what you knew to be necessary and right for your happiness nevertheless...and it worked! So wonderful! Continue to be brave and continue to move toward being your most authentic you!
Thank you so much for posting this. It hit me right in the heart, as I believe my 2016 will look a lot like your 2015. I have to do it because being inauthentic is killing me. Thank you for posting this because it gives me so much hope.
Wow, mellie. Just...wow. I was in tears reading this. It is such a beautiful post. You've come so far and overcome so much fear and uncertainty, and it is just what people here need to see. I feel like your post was written for people like me...the "me" of a few years ago, who felt trapped in an unhealthy marriage and who felt like her life had been set and there was no escaping it. I could see my entire future as if it had been written for me...which, in a way, it was. I let myself be dominated and controlled, and I felt that I deserved it because I had walked into it willingly. What I wanted now, years later, didn't matter, because I had made my bed. But as you have so eloquently shown, this is not the case. People grow, people change, and we can change our circumstances accordingly. We have that right. We seek validation and permission from outside ourselves when all along, the permission resides within us. The wanting it is reason enough. And to know that, and to own it, to shed the guilt and the fear of what "may be" and walk out into that unknown land is to be liberated and reborn. I too found an amazing woman, and I almost lost her because I was afraid of what taking a chance with her might mean. It was so much easier to just stay in the comfortable marriage and life that I had built for myself, even if it was in reality a prison. Leaving all that behind and starting anew seemed too daunting and hard. But the best choices in life are often the hard ones, and I thank God every day that I found the wherewithal to do it. I am real now, for better or for worse. I am writing my own future. Sorry for getting emotional and making this post all about me...but your post really affected me, and I am SO happy for you. Your journey resonates with me, and I wish I had someone like you to look to when I was going through it! I'm glad you are here for the folks going through it now. And you are showing your kids what strength and authenticity and integrity look like. I predict 2016 will be a wonderful year for you, and you definitely deserve it. (*hug*)
This is the post everyone should read! My 2016 is going to be just like this! I finally accepted to myself that I am gay about 6 months ago, and am going full steam ahead, because of reading things like this!
Fantastic post mellie!! Beautifully written and I can certain relate! Stepping out into the unknown is a daunting prospect but once done, we give ourselves a chance of finding true happiness. Authenticity and integrity are core values for me in 2016 and beyond. I am not fully accepting of my true self yet but I'm on the right path....
Wow mellie, that is amazing. You have turned from the chain link fence into a free bird. Did your husband try to 'talk you out of it?' did he threaten you if you left? I want so much to know who I am, and know if that means I should leave to be happy. I'm so glad you took the chance and you are telling us your thoughts and feelings. It really helps with those looking out from behind our own fences.
Nice post. I never got involved in any straight relationships, even before I came out to myself, so I skip over most of the stories from people dealing with marriages, because I just can't really relate, but I applaud your efforts to "change your stars," to quote a favorite movie of mine. Keep up the good work. "It's enough to want to go, even though you can't see two steps ahead of you. It's okay to step blindly into a world of unknowns because you know that if you don't, you're as good as dead inside." There's a song with the lyric, "If you're thinkin of leavin and needin a reason, that's reason enough." That's always been my thinking on relationships. I'm not against trying to work things out, but I think a lot of the time, if you think it's over, it is.
Mellie This post makes me so happy. You're my hero. (*hug*) I love that Cheryl Strayed quote, too. I remember a friend of mine reading it to me over the phone, and I got the same chills reading it as I did when she recited it. It's a great quote for letting go, of many things. I'm so happy you're happy.
Thank you so much for that post. I, like many others, can relate. I have a goal to come out to my husband on Saturday... but I keep trying to talk myself out of it for all the reasons from Strayed. Do I choose life or being dead inside? Do I have the courage? I saw a show recently and they stated the following that I think is exactly what I am feeling. "It's like when you want to jump into the pool and you are worried that the water is going to be cold. But you know moments after you jump it will be fine. It is the fear of the of the shock that holds you back. Ultimately the only thing you are worried about is the transition from one state to another and that cannot hurt you because it is just a change of state." Here is to changing states!
You go girl! Your post made me cry.. So happy for your life - happy tears, keep it strong and stay as true and positive in 2016! Happy mixed with sad but so inspired
An incredible story. I'm not following on what or where Trigger is. Talk about a pivotal year for you. My thoughts as we close out the year are that we're all individuals, we're all very different from each other, our stories may sometimes seem similar but they have ingredients which make them different and unique, and we'll all proceed in very different ways. And it's all good.
Good luck to you. I will be thinking of you and sending you courageous thoughts! I still don't know how or when I will be telling my husband, but seeing all the people on EC who have come out to their spouses gives me courage and hope.
Mellie, OMG thank you a thousand times for posting this today!!!!! These are the perfect words, the sign I asked my angels for. It has been an awful week since I joined EC. Things have been extremely tense and heartbreaking between my husband and I as he struggles to understand how I could just give up on him after 18 years together and what will it do to our children and he is sorry and trying to change and begging me to let him try he will do anything. I have told him how I have felt unnurtured and unheard for so long that I lost my joy and just can't go on like this. I have begged him to leave me alone until after the holidays and our daughter's birthday in a few weeks but he can't stop begging me. While I feel like I should give him a chance my heart just isn't in it, but he wouldn't accept no as an answer. I was advised to not tell him I am questioning but that is the only answer that explains why I don't want to give him a chance. But I was struggling because it will devastate him and then anger him as he is not tolerant. So again I am trying to make him happy at the expense of my own happiness and I couldn't be ok with putting myself first until I read your beautiful post. I did meet my friend and it seemed like we have known each other forever. I felt so different when I was with her, nothing seemed forced and it just felt right. So my life isn't happening the way I thought but this post has helped me to be a little more OK with it. I know it will be hard and a lot more tears will come but at least I know it's OK to wanting to go somewhere unknown.