How did you know it wasn't some kind of sexual moment? Emotional deception/confusion? My biggest concern is that I've been single since birth and I very rarely like anyone romantically. When I do, I'm completely into one person and one person only, from a crush to something more. I really liked one guy in college and the emotional connection I felt towards him fueled my sexual attraction (we were friends-ish for nearly three years). now i'm dealing with feelings for a woman. there was a build (and please tell me if you went through these emotional/sexual stages): 1. initial meeting: her masculine appearance = attraction (oh, that's a cute human) 2. more significant "cuteness" like her smile being contagious, her eyes being beautiful, her energy being warm/welcoming 3. touch - initial touch was kinda awkward. first i was angry with myself because i thought it was some kind of internalized homophobia and i hated that it even cross my mind that her touching me was uncomfortable because i didn't want her "to get the wrong idea" :rolle:, which brings me to... 4. realizing her touch made me nervous because i liked it too much. electricity, especially if she touched my hand (like on some twilight nonsense, a quick brushing of fingers and i'm gasping like an idiot) 5. cuddling thoughts - i wanted (still want to) hold her all the time. the first time we snuggled up for a movie, she laid between my legs/rested her head on my belly. i cannot tell you how well she fits in my arms. i kept convincing myself that i was just snuggling with her the way i would with my nephews or something 6. conversations = vulnerability. i shared things with her that i never speak to anyone about. friends i've known for over a decade have never had these conversations with me and i'm painfully exposing myself to her. 7. eye contact - taking notice that i want to look her in the eyes and she's always looking me in the eyes. i hate eye contact, but i could stare at her all day 8. sexual thoughts - this was the kicker. at first, i was uncomfortable thinking beyond her outward masculine appearance. a male body was what made me comfortable, so thinking she was all woman underneath grossed me out a little....then i was holding her hand, then i thought about kissing her, and now... :icon_redf 9. the future - even with the sexual thoughts, i have been struggling with actually envisioning myself dating a woman. building a future. facing the world. what does that even look like? i've always been ok with saying a woman is attractive, beautiful, sexy, whatever, but the thought of being romantically and sexually involved with a woman in my real life was never a real thing...until now. but seeing that i'm just coming to this conclusion, what do i make of it? am i lonely? should the first queer woman i encounter be a relationship i leap into? should i date around/hook up and explore my identity rather than get tied down? i've been given advice to "get out there" but it's never been my style to date around. i always build friendships hoping to find a connection to someone and that's what i did here...but is this different since this is a huge shift from who i thought i was? what were your experiences? did you get into a relationship with someone you liked once you thought you could? did you date around a lot at first? sorry i'm talking so much about this, i just don't want to :***: up
I don't think you need to "date around" or sleep with a lot of people to "find" yourself. I've only been with one woman, who is now my wife, and I'm completely happy with that (I previously had been with men exclusively). Like you, I find one person that I connect with, and the relationship builds from there. We are not all wired to play the field or have multiple partners. Having said that though...since this is the first woman you've connected with and you have expressed concern about that, I would say to just take things slowly and see how you feel and see where it goes. It may be a significant relationship for you, or it may be a moment in your life, but you'll never know if you don't open yourself up to it and walk through that door. I felt all the things you listed, both the positive and negative. I was married to a man at the time, so I was REALLY confused when this happened, and I had a lot of issues to dig myself out of (guilt, fear, emotional abuse, etc.) before I could give myself permission to pursue it and be happy. You don't have that added complication, so I would say go forth, young woman...explore! Take it slow, stay in touch with your feelings, and try to relax. Don't get bogged down with worries about an imagined future or "what is all means". Life throws us curve balls and presents us with opportunities when we least expect it. Try to roll with it and see where the road takes you.
I'm not a fully out folk, but your post sounds like my experience ... except I would have sold a teeny tiny portion of my soul to have been with my crush. Your steps sound almost exactly like what I went through. I was questioning, now I know for sure that I'm bi/possibly a lesbian. I don't think you should hold yourself back. If you have the opportunity to be with someone you feel like this about, then you should explore it. You could wind up staying on here and confused until you're older, or see if it's the right fit for you. How lonely are you? Lonely enough to change your entire sexual orientation? Not that sexual orientation is so set in stone, but maybe think of it that way. You said you've been single since birth -- why would you be connecting and wanting this person so much if you've never even been in a relationship?
I really don't want to date around lol dating has always seemed awkward and exhausting to me. i want to just connect and build (slowly) i think. i'm not afraid of being committed, but i am afraid that i'm too infatuated to think clearly (although i guess that's a part of the game). loneliness for me is more of a longing to find a special someone now that i'm almost 30 and have yet to be in a relationship. i feel like i'm missing some essential part to my growth. @YeahpIdk i have only felt this strongly about someone else once in college and that took 3 years... i've known this girl a lot less and she really surprised me... i guess i just don't know what to make of it.
I would suggest that turning your back on this and dating around would be exactly the way to ":***: up". I've been out and dating long enough to know that what you describe is very rare. Even with the best of matches, such incredible chemistry doesn't always exist and can't be forced. It's either there or it's not. If I were you, I would welcome this opportunity with open arms, nurture it, enjoy it, and allow it to develop as it may. Spend more of your energy appreciating what you've found and less energy worrying about labeling yourself. Did you worry about dating around before your earlier relationship with a man, to make sure you were really straight? Why worry about it now? Good luck, and congratulations. Sounds like you've been lucky enough to find what most of us long for!
It seems like you have connected. Why do you want to go so slow? What would happen if you told this person how you felt and started being more romantic with them? From my experience, you will stay infatuated until you go further. Are you not afraid of being committed? You say you've never been, and this guy in college you liked, you said it took three years to build an emotional connection to him -- did you guys ever end up together? Also, what do you mean by being part of the 'game'? I imagine you could just be saying this as a saying, 'it's the name of the crush game!' However, if not, I would urge you not to think of relationships as a game...maybe more of a gradient in how feelings can grow. Many people are not into games, and keeping it at the faded level of gradient (or limbo) for the entire time will most likely get tiring. So are you afraid that you're not really interested in her, you're just wanting to have a relationship because you're almost 30? The attraction and connection you describe isn't something that often sprouts from a place like that. It sounds more like the type of attraction that you can't help because it's just there. What happened with this guy? Were you in a relationship? Most people won't wait years until someone is so, so close to them to get more romantic - especially if you're almost 30 and so is this person. Why do you think you like to build so slowly? What you're describing is very, movie best friends who like each other for years, but don't realize or act on it until one day they do and they're perfect for each other. Fortunately and unfortunately, life isn't really like that. People like each other, and date, and stay together or move on. The friends to lovers thing happens sometimes, but not usually. Sorry that I'm challenging everything you're saying, lol -- I just think you might be getting in your own way, and should really look at your tendencies so you can figure out your next move for yourself. You may find a way to move forward or backward if you think about what your real intentions are, and why you're putting the brakes on something that sounds so great.
I want to go slow because I'm not sure? Because I don't want to tell her and be wrong? Because she's one of my closest friends/confidants in this new place and if I tell her and it gets weird, I lose that support? On the flip side, she's always kind of prodding for info about my relationships with men/romantic relationships so I think she might know something is up. I usually just change the subject. We did not end up together. We were awkward for about a year and then he started dating someone. We danced on a line of appropriate and inappropriate. We definitely cheated emotionally. It was really hard to be around each other, so we just started hanging out it in groups before I just stayed away from him and tried to date some guy I had no interest in to distract me. He got really jealous, but stayed with his girlfriend and we just sort of faded the friendship. It took another year after college to stop contacting each other. There was no commitment, just painful, awkward, emotional trauma :bang::bang: Thank you for this...I think I'm still holding onto these old ideas about relationships and dating and games... I'm just so afraid to say something. When you asked the question, I immediately thought "there is no doubt in my mind that i'm attracted to this woman." It has nothing to do with almost being 30. Nothing happened, as mentioned above, besides the emotional trauma lol... He was older than me by a couple of years and she's younger than me by a couple of years (how poetic). She's definitely much more emotionally mature... More vulnerable, willing... I've always been very reserved and closed off since I was a child. I'm convinced I came out of the womb with an emotional wall comparable to the great wall of china.
Thank you! You're absolutely right, I didn't think twice about not dating around when I thought I was straight. I was perfectly content just waiting for a spark. I do want to embrace this and move it along, I think. I just wanted to be sure that this was the right path. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2015 at 07:39 PM ---------- How do I do it? I have no moves lol
I think you're figuring it out. Good luck, Yellow! Keep us posted on how things go. Don't be afraid to be with this girl. You're obviously into her. And make sure you don't take too long
