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Does anyone else feel messed up in terms of dating/relationships?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cakepiecookie, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. cakepiecookie

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    I'm not quite sure where to start with this, but I'm just going to jump in anyway.

    I was pretty late figuring out that I'm into women, and it took many years after that to figure out my orientation (even now, I still waver a bit). I was completely disinterested in dating in my teens, but given that I hadn't figured out I was mostly into women, I just assumed that I was a late bloomer or something. This continued into my 20s until I met a guy at 22 and started my first and only real relationship. We were together for 8 dysfunctional years before splitting up in 2013.

    Since then, I haven't really known what to do with myself in terms of dating. I'm finally free to date who I want, yet I still have this huge mental block. My last relationship sucked and I have no desire to go back to anything remotely resembling that. I'm also just naturally very independent. I've never done the dating thing and feel like I don't know how. Also, I have some body hang-ups that make me fear intimacy. Basically, there's a big mix of stuff that makes me feel very nervous about dating anyone.

    I'm honestly not sure whether I'm like this because of how my past has affected me, or whether I'm just genuinely a really independent person who's fine with not being more proactive about dating. I suspect it's a bit of both. FTR, I'm definitely not asexual. I'm not bothered by being alone (though I do get a bit lonely sometimes), but I would like to get to a place where I'd feel like I could date someone if the right woman came along.

    I have several friends who divorced around the same time as me, and they all got back into the dating game pretty quickly. I wish I could relax about dating and enjoy it like they seem to. I've been divorced for 2 years now and all I've done in that time was a single drunken one night stand (no way would I have been brave enough to do it sober).

    Anyway, I was wondering whether anyone else feels like their years in the closet have messed them up in terms of dating? Any words of wisdom for me?
     
  2. angeluscrzy

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    I feel paralyzed in a lot of ways. I'm single now for the first time in 15 years. And I too, never got into dating or anything. My relationships just seemed to "happen". Now, I'm a single parent, working excessively and no idea where I'd fit ineeting anyone. I also have my own hangups too, things I feel I need to take care of before I could even entertain the idea of trying to see someone.
    I know that's not advice, just saying I can completely relate is all.
    The only thing I keep trying to tell myself is I will have time for dating once I can get those things in order. I just hope come then that fear doesn't cause me to add more to that checklist and prevent me from actually living my life.
     
    #2 angeluscrzy, Dec 29, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
  3. cakepiecookie

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    Thanks, it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

    I think my first step needs to be dealing with some of my hangups (both physical and mental). I think on some level I've been neglecting certain things because dealing with them would mean I no longer had any excuse to put off dealing with dating (and thereby my sexuality).
     
  4. angeluscrzy

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    Yeah, I can understand that as well. The idea of opening yourself up to someone, wondering if you are gonna find someone willing to overlook your flaws, it is quite intimidating. And also knowing that other people have their own baggage, and wondering if that is something you're willing to open yourself up to.
    It's just like this wrapped present sitting there, and you want it so bad, yet being afraid that if you open it, it won't be what you hoped it was. You're never gonna enjoy whatever it is inside the box tho unless you open it. It may not be exactly what you wanted, it could even be something better. Just gotta shake off that fear of opening the box I guess. Somehow. Still trying to get to that part.
     
    #4 angeluscrzy, Dec 30, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2015
  5. Meetyou123

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    I am in the same boat except I suppressed my feelings for so long that I never dated anybody. Then I finely am coming out and I realize that I am scared to open myself up to new possibilities. I think some of this is because there is some realization that things are changing and they are going to change even more. We all fear change. So where does it leave me? I am not sure I know I need to allow myself to meet other people. I am sure just gaining some gay friends will help me but again for me it is the acknowledgement part that I struggle with. I hope that makes sense.
     
  6. angeluscrzy

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    I can understand. I feel the same way. Outside of experimenting with a friend growing up, I've had no physical contact with another guy since. I've not so much as kissed a guy even. And the only other proven gauge I have for my feelings irl would be when I fell madly for a male friend when I was 16. He was straight, thus that went nowhere, but it definitely showed me I was capable of that emotional connection with another guy. Of course, I still ended up suppressing all these things later since I had no idea how to meet anyone gay back then. I had (and still have) no friends and when the possibility of a straight relationship emerged, I think I was too ready to jump all in simply because I was tired of being alone.
    The sooner you can acknowledge the feelings and make peace with them, the better. I don't regret the family I had along the way, my daughters are everything to me, but I do wish I had the strength and courage to seek being more actively out in my 20's.
    So many years get wasted sometimes in our pursuits to be all the things that other people want/need and it's so easy to lose touch with what we feel within ourselves. I wanted the family, I didn't know how others would react if they knew, I was trying to do all the things I was taught a guy is "supposed" to do, and along the way I think you die a little inside.
    I think acceptance and acknowledgement comes when you can finally admit to yourself that having those same-sex feelings may not be "normal" to the bigots and assholes in society, but it's *our* normal. It is just what feels right. There's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't make you any less of the person you are. If anything, it enriches you, because it is honest and it's not some mask we feel we need to hide behind as to not risk the assumed scorn and rejection of others. How can we ever be ourselves, if all our efforts are put into this charade we parade out for others. It's terribly exhausting and in hindsight not worth a second of the effort.
     
  7. JohnnyWisdom

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    angeluscrzy, I completely agree with these sentiments as I hold them as well. I finally came out at 46 after marrying twice (my first wife died young) and raising three kids. I never dated and basically just met and fell in love with the first girl that showed me any attention. I fooled around with another guy once in high school and then again with the same guy after my wife died, but otherwise I denied my same sex attractions because I wanted the house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, etc. and didn't understand how easily I could have had it with another guy. Now, I'm trying to figure out how to date - actually date and not just fall head over heels with the first person who looks at me twice. Haha. I'm excited but scared, as well, wondering if I'll get it right and if anyone wants me at 46. I need to lose a little weight but am in decent shape, so I'm making this my priority before I try dating. I'm anxious to try everything and kiss another man, be loved by him and really give myself over to being gay. It's mind-numbing sometimes.
     
  8. angeluscrzy

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    Yeah I get that. I feel like spinning my wheels and getting nowhere really. I work 7 days a week and have my girls for half the week. I always feel like I'm fighting the clock in everything I do. Like I always feel like whatever I'm doing is time I can't spend on something else and all of it is overwhelming a lot. Trying to maintain a residence, trying to eat healthier, spending time with the kids, bills to keep straight. And then there's the idea of meeting someone else. Worrying over if someone will be interested in you, finding the time to actually meet these people, wondering how they will get along with your kids.......... it just seems like one thing after another.