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married with kids and now know I'm gay - struggling with how to deal with it.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LonelyHiker, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. LonelyHiker

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    I wrote the text below a couple of nights ago when I was feeling pretty desperate and a really nice guy Todd has been helped with supporting advice/comments. He doesn't have kids and so suggested posting on this thread to see if anyone can offer any advice or thoughts on how they've dealt with similar issues.


    Know what I want, but no idea how to get there.
    where to start?
    I have been married for 15 years and am at that awkward age where you question yourself more. I've always know that I am gay but have always had a sense of having to conform and so have always lived a str8 life. I had gay relationships when I was in my early 20s but all under the radar and never lasted, usually because they were with married str8 guys. I was married at a young age and it lasted 5 minutes but then after a few years married again. I never dabbled with my gay side during the period in between, but mainly because of my job. At the time, it would have been a game changer, completely taboo and neither friends nor work would have accepted it.

    I have always been attracted to men, but have rarely done anything about it, apart from a handful of occasions where I've been working away from home and been a little drunk. I convince myself that I am bi and happy with my str8 life but it's not true, I'm just hiding reality. My wife is great and we have three beautiful children and this makes me even more wrapped in guilt. Don't get me wrong, my wife and I have drifted apart over the years and I think she's quite mean and insulting toward me at times but maybe I bring it on myself. I tend to do stuff; cleaning, cooking, childcare etc and this all gets taken for granted and she is bloody miserable most of the time. This makes me really resentful which is not fair on either of us. I can be a sulky twat at times but I am bloody sure that she creates an environment that she knows winds up my OCD nature. In terms of a physical relationship we are lucky to have sex more than twice a year. I just can't be bothered to initiate any more. I suppose it really changed when I was ill through stress at work and she just sort of ignored me as she couldn't handle it and I felt so alone. If I ever get stressed or wound up, it feels as though I'm just an inconvenience.

    This just can't go on and I know the underlying reason for my unhappiness is in knowing that I am pretending to be something that I am not. Even when I had depression related to work a couple of years ago and had counselling I couldn't discuss it, I know part of it was being in turmoil over my feelings and when I had morbid thoughts it was just because I couldn't see a way out.

    So what's changed? I've spent a year trying to like myself, getting fit again, losing weight, building muscle and taking up interests that I'd let slip. This has helped me feel that I'm worthy of more than just being a good dad. The real change though was a few weeks ago when I met the most incredible guy on an app; ok so I spend time on gay networking apps, but this was the first time that I have ever met someone as a result. He instantly connected with the same sense of humour and I had to meet him. After that first meeting I went back again and we have spent a number of great evenings together. He's so complimentary and ive never felt so good about myself. I can't believe how quickly you can connect with someone. He knows I'm married with kids and is obviously not happy with it and wishes I was single but so far he's understanding and says until he's no longer in control of his own feelings its ok. Of course I know this means that eventually we will get more connected than just dinner, drinks and a good night. The result being that we will both end up wanting something that means I have to make a call. Do I back off and lose what might be the most comfortable thing I've ever known or do I face up to what I know to be true. I'm not 20 any more, I'm not infatuated and being naive ( well maybe a little), I'm just experiencing something I so desperately want more of. It feels so right although at the same time so wrong. I know I must face up to who I am. Even if it's not to be with this guy I know I must face facts as its not honest or fair but I don't know how to deal with the consequences. I'm so scared of upsetting everyone. My family, friends, children and I feel so selfish. What happens, am I to loose everything before I can rebuild? I am so scared and a simple song on the radio now reduces me to tears. Help!!!! I so want to be a good father to my children but just don't know that I can do it as I should.
     
  2. bi2me

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    Hi lonelyhiker,
    It sounds like you know what you want/need to do, but you need some help figuring out how to do it. There are several guys on here who have been married and have kids, and they give great advice! My husband and I are working through dealing with my bisexuality, and I'm not planning to leave, so I'm not sure I can help too much. If no one responds in a day or two, try again Monday, as a lot of folks are on vacation right now.
    I hope you are able to find some good coping strategies. (*hug*)
     
  3. LonelyHiker

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    Thanks, I'll watch out.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Hi LonelyHiker,

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    I found the courage to come out and start living an authentic life because of the great advice here on EC. You will find a very supportive environment here as you begin to work through your thought process.

    I will provide detailed feedback to your post tomorrow. In the meantime, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

    Best,
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Hi LonelyHiker,

    You are not alone in your experience! The situation that you describe (always been attracted to guys but got married anyway, renewed examination of that choice at midlife, and the dysfunctional marriage with little intimacy) is shared by other men in this forum. The reality is that we have learned from an early age from society, family, church, or friends that being gay is wrong and that heteronormative is right. You were simply reacting to your social programming.

    Congratulations on acknowledging that the underlying reason for your unhappiness is knowing that your are pretending to be something that you are not. There’s a good chance your depression is related to this. You are busting your butt to support a lifestyle that is not a genuine expression of your true self.

    The question you must now answer is are you ready to do what is necessary to begin to live authentically? This is about committing yourself to a course of action and less about the how. There are many guys who have travelled the path and can help guide you once you’ve decided to begin to live authentically.

    The situation that you describe regarding the guy from the app is known as a trigger crush. I personally did not have a trigger crush, but others have. Realistically these don’t always work out for a number of reasons. As such, I would suggest reframing your thought process around your motivation for coming out, namely, you are making these changes so you can live authentically, rather than to start a relationship with this guy. Don’t get me wrong if he’s truly the one rather than an infatuation, you’ll both find a way to make it work.

    As for the fear of upsetting everyone and feeling selfish, this can be the hardest part of coming out. I don’t have an easy answer other than this fear is real and you will have to find the strength to be more assertive and fight for what you truly want from your life. Do you want to continue living a lie with regret and longing or do you want to find true love even if you feel a little uncomfortable by coming out and asserting yourself in the process?

    Pragmatically you probably want to consult with a divorce attorney to begin to understand the legal issues around child custody and financial aspects of divorce.

    I know there's a lot to digest and process, so I'll stop and give you a chance to reflect and share your thoughts.

    (&&&)
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Dec 31, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2015
  6. Highlander2

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    Hi LonelyHiker, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. Dad to two wonderful kids, married for a number of years, suppressed feelings towards guys just thinking they were a phase but the true love of mine lay with my wife, etc. But, met a guy who blew all of that away and made me realise what I'd been denying to myself for decades.

    I took the decision that I couldn't unknow what I'd discovered and admitted to myself. That I was actually gay, not bisexual, but gay. Though I loved my wife as a person, sex was becoming less and less frequent, sometimes two or three months between and I found that increasingly frustrating. Lots of other life factors added to it, but the bottom line was I couldn't live a lie. I knew what I knew about myself and I wanted to feel honest and to live in integrity. That meant telling her and making the decision to move out and live separately. There's a couple of threads I started about 2 years ago when I made the decision.

    Financially its been hard - I don't have the spare cash I used to have when I was married, and I can't just go out and splurge. But. I've a partner now and have been with him for over a year and a half. I have my own place, the kids come and stay regularly. I'm there for my ex when she needs support, always there for my kids and live within walking distance of their home. She has met someone now and is happy, despite thinking that her world would end when I moved out.

    She and I put our kids first. We needed to let them see that their parents, although they didn't live together still put them first and at the centre of our lives. So far, it has worked really well, and there's no reason for it not to work well in the future.

    Admitting it and moving on doesn't have to be the end of the world, just a change that you can try and manage.
     
  7. CameOutSwinging

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    Greetings, LonelyHiker! You've definitely come to the right place!

    I can relate to some of your story. I don't have kids, and I've only been "married" (we're not legally wed) for two months, but everything else is so similar. I've always been attracted to guys, pretty much just guys, and yet always knew I'd end up dating and marrying a woman and that was it. I convinced myself I was bisexual because obviously I must be in order to meet and marry a woman. I had plenty of hook ups with guys, but didn't think I could have feelings for a man. Until I did, over the summer.

    Now, I'll be honest, I had my chance to leave her for him. And I was too scared to do it. And I missed my chance with him. We're still very close friends, but that's it. He moved on from having any romantic interest in me (he's 18, it's easy to move on when you're 18). But in a way, I actually think it worked out for the best. Because it has made me actually think about the situation and figure out if I should leave her and WHY. I should leave her because I'm gay and I can meet and fall in love with a man, period. I've done it, it happened, and it can happen again. So don't drive yourself crazy about your current crush. If you leave your wife, do it because it's the right thing for you. And if you happen to get together with him, awesome. And if not, I promise you, there's plenty of other smoking hot fish in the sea.

    It isn't easy, and I sort of feel like I'm going through one of the roughest patches of my life right now dealing with all of this. But so many guys on here have been through it and come out on the other end as much happier and more honest versions of themselves. It's inspiring and makes you feel like it really is worth considering that path.
     
  8. jjc76

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    Hey, LonelyHiker! Welcome! I am in a very similar situation, just several steps ahead. I found a great deal of advice here on EC. I hope you visit frequently.

    I'll just say that my situation is very similar, except for the sex part. My wife wanted sex nearly everyday, and she become impossible to live with if she didn't get it. This made my decision to leave, after 13 years of marriage and three children together, a bit easier...but not by much. I've been there, man. I cried so much. The desperation absolutely consumed me. It wasn't until I realized that my children would actually be better off, at least in my case, if I separated and they were able to get to know the real me. I had been so engulfed in inner turmoil, self-loathing and indecision that my children only knew me as a shell of a man. For me, leaving was the very best decision. This was six months ago. It feels like it was so long ago, as I have grown so much more than I ever thought would happen. I am finally at peace for really the first time in my life, as I have accepted my sexuality and am not trying to put on a mask that everyone else likes, except for me. I have told my whole family my personal situation and they understand. They are relatively supportive, as much as staunchly religious family members can be, I guess. But I don't live for their complete approval anyways anymore.

    My wife was also very emotionally abusive and bullied me a lot. That is probably even more of a reason that I chose to get divorced, although leaving just because of one's sexuality is just as valid a reason, in my opinion. That said, I have experienced a great deal of peace because I am just away from my wife. I am able to actually balance a budget and have savings each month, something that never happened with her habitual spending habits. My home is no longer a chaotic place to live, with trash and messes defining my living space, as she was a hoarder too.

    But, it all comes down to the kids really, doesn't it. You love them more than life itself. And it was my love for them that actually drove me to make the final decision to leave. I wanted them to know their father for who he really is, and I wanted them to have an escape from their mother's chaos as frequently as possible.

    I hope you are able to find your answers here on EC. I didn't find EC until four months after I separated. I wish that I had found it so much earlier.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2015 at 09:46 PM ----------

    One more thought that I have, after re-reading your post, the feelings of selfishness and self-hate are difficult to fully comprehend for someone outside of our situation. It is indescribable. For me, it was debilitating. It prevented me from doing anything. When I finally made the decision to leave, I had to visualize in my mind the exact moment that I decided that I needed to get a divorce and live authentically. For the days, weeks and months that followed, whenever I had a feeling of shame, self-hate, or like I was being selfish, I immediately returned to that moment in my mind. Every doubt vanished immediately. Through this process I have been able to appreciate and value my own feelings and beliefs more than what I perceive everyone else thinks. This also got me through the times where disapproving looks and comments would have driven me right back into submission. As guys, I think most of us are visually driven. If you can have a visual standard that you can always rely on for any feelings of doubt, it may help.
     
  9. LonelyHiker

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    Thank you so much for your comments, i know it sounds selfish, but it's good knowing that others have felt the same. I feel so isolated at the moment and the longer it goes on the more I hope I'll get found out rather than having to confess. I know I have to for my own peace of mind. I really believe that feeling like this has a large part to play in my periods of sadness; whilst it's the stress of home life or work that triggers anger and frustration, I know that the underling problem is one of feeling that there is always a mask to cling on to and uphold. I've had the mask for so long, I forget what I am really like underneath. My children are possibly the only people that see me for who I am and that's when my wife is working and we do stuff together. I'm still so child like myself and we have great fun together. Their love is unconditional and I can sing dance and act the fool as much as I like. But as soon as I'm back at home with my wife I instantly feel suppressed. We used to have great ones together and maybe that distracted me for years enough to believe that I was actually str8 if only I tried hard enough. Maybe hitting mid 40s has scared me. Can I really reach the end of my life not having lived the way I think I should. I know what the first step is and I so appreciate the advice, but it's just taking the first step and knowing that I'll have to instantly deal with the consequences. Once said, it will never be able to be un-said. You're all right, it's about being true to myself.
     
  10. jjc76

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    Yes, yes, yes. I feel for you, as you are describing exactly how I felt. It really takes me back. First, I also just wanted to be found out. Problem was, for me, I couldn't wait any longer. After a year or so in my marriage, I just told my wife the truth. I figured it would all collapse right then and there. But, she wanted to fight through and make things work. So, I ended up living for the next 11 years as though I was "struggling" with being gay, and was something I would eventually overcome through therapy. Of course we know how well that works. So, sometimes telling the truth may not yield the result you hope. You have to just completely let it all out...the truth AND what you want. At least, that is what my experience was.

    The happiest moments of my life were with my children as well. They were so accepting and loving, just as you describe with yours. So, hold on to that feeling. You have to cling to things that you know are true and authentic. You know their love for you is true. You can feel like yourself when you are with them. Now, imagine every day is like that! If everyday was like that, where you are yourself, how would that feel? I'll just say that that is how I feel everyday now. It feels so good. Sure, not all my problems have gone away. Sure, I have a lot of stress from my ex. Yeah, she's told several people in the community and my church that I'm gay and a bunch of other crap, but I have found that being authentically me has made me stronger and able to handle it all.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    It's wonderful that you taking this process very seriously. Yes, taking the first step of coming out is scary and cannot be undone so it must be considered and undertaken carefully. It helps to break things down into baby steps.

    I get the sense that you know that you are gay and being true to yourself is the path to bring you happiness. Have you fully accepted yourself as gay? Do you feel that shame or internalized homophobia is holding you back?

    While it's noble for you to want to stay married for the children, it's better for the children if you separate rather than stay together in a strained marriage. Even if you and your wife don't argue, the children pick up on the strained relationship, They wonder what is wrong, even if they don't say anything. Better to separate than to expose them to an unhealthy environment.

    Once you start down this path, it might be helpful if you keep in mind that you are redefining the family structure so that your children's mother and father reside in separate households, rather than breaking up the family. They will still be your children. As preparation, it may help to consult with a divorce attorney so that you understand the legal issues with child custody in your situation.

    I'm wondering if you've considered therapy to help you with your "selfishness". I use quotes because you are not being selfish, rather, you are asserting your right to happiness and authenticity. By being authentic, your children will see the real you, rather than your mask.

    When you are ready, you should come out to your wife first. Perhaps an LGBT friendly therapist or the folks here on EC could help you create a script.

    This is scary I know, but for me, this was a lot less scary than waking up at the end of my life regretting not having lived and loved authentically in the embrace of another man.

    (*hug*)
     
  12. angeluscrzy

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    My Kids have always been a source of comfort for me. I too, goof with them constantly and while I have a hard time knowing how to be a disclipanarian, I know I have close bonds with my girls. I stayed so long in the relationship with their mother because I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. But as described above, that doesn't make things any better for them. The fights between my ex and I were just quite toxic and things just got to a point where it couldn't work anymore.
    Since then, I work constantly trying to maintain a residence and keep things going on my own, and I don't get nearly as much time with my kids as I wished I did, but I can't ever regret the relationship ending. I catch a lot of hell from my ex, and am constantly being blamed for the way things are, but it has been worth all of the hell just to finally feel I can be me.
    I still stress a lot and I'm still having a lot of days where I wonder how I've not gone crazy yet, but you just do your best to plow thru it and have faith that eventually it has to get better.
     
  13. rachael1954

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    For me, it's all this, plus my husband insists I'm bi and not gay, and I have no concrete evidence to prove I'm gay. I know we don't "need" a reason to leave someone, but divorce is such a stigma, and my life would completely change, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to withstand the grief stages of leaving and I would just run back to him. And I'm not sure it's not just my girlfriend... I don't want to leave for her, I want to leave for ME. But when I subtract my girlfriend from the equation I can't imagine being alone without anyone. No kids, but the husband has all kinds of mean words and lays on guilt and I succumb every time.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 02:00 PM ----------

    I'm 11 months in, I can't imagine keeping it up for 11 years! The relief you must feel must be huge!!!

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 02:01 PM ----------

    Agree that this seems the biggest hurdle.
     
  14. LonelyHiker

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    Thanks jjc76. Your story sounds so similar. I can also imagine my wife being awkward and so I feel for you if yours was abusive. I am so scared that she will make it hard for me to see the children. I don't think it would last as she's not vindictive and she would put the children first but I don't think she would ever forgive me and who can blame her. She will feel betrayed and as though she has been living a lie also.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 05:03 PM ----------

    This last post gives me some hope in making myself stronger and I am so glad for you that you are getting there. I'm just so confused now as to what to say and how!!!

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 05:17 PM ----------

    Sorry haven't got used to how to respond but you can see my response to your comments below.



    Thanks for your help.
     
  15. LonelyHiker

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    Thanks for your post, it's reassuring to find others with children. I know this is prying but did you end your relationship openly because you were gay or because it wasn't working? I'm running so many options through my head and whilst I know that the most honest approach is to tell my wife that I'm gay it would be easier to end our relationship because it's not working and deal with being gay separately. What worries me about this approach is that it just delays more pain.
     
  16. angeluscrzy

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    It was a mixture of both. I have been dealing with all the feelings resurfacing for quite some time. Things between her and I had gotten worse and our communication skills were sorely lacking. Finally it just got to the point I had no desire to work on anything between us, and the issues with my sexuality were enough that I just had to be out.
     
  17. SiennaFire

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    I'll reply to this point first, since it's a pivot point. Ultimately, this is your call. I got the sense from your original post that your sexuality was the driving factor for separation. I also appreciate that it would be easier for you to base the separation on the unhealthy relationshp. Given there was infidelity on your part (I'm not being judgmental; I'm in no position to do so), there is likely some legal risk to you that should be vetted. As a result, I would encourage you to seek legal counsel on this matter.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 09:29 PM ----------

    FWIW, I came out to my wife as gay as the basis for ending the marriage. In retrospect, the marriage was unhealthy, though this only became apparent during the separation proceedings.
     
  18. LonelyHiker

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    I follow exactly your point, if I were to blame it on our relationship, I would be partly justified. It's ok but every day I am snapped at and berated, belittled and left feeling rejected. That I am sure is partly if not wholly my fault because I am probably not behaving as I should be. The thing in the back of my mind all the time is how do I get out of this so I can be me and that means that I almost look for fault in everything that we do. Not maliciously but subconsciously. I know the underlying problem is my sexuality and the infidelity has just confirmed that. The fact that he makes me feel so good just pushes the door open wider and I'm struggling to close it again. The easiest thing in the world to do would be to keep my head down and carry on whilst finding what I want from chance encounters or brief relationships. Let's face it, if I were to take this course, I wouldn't be myself and I wouldn't find true happiness, who in their right mind would want to be a sideline to a married guy's life. I know this current guy will only put up with it until he becomes attached and wants more and at this point I have to make a call. I'm just not sure how to do what has to be done. I don't know the words to chose or how to find the strength to use them. I know I should be honest, for her sake as much as anyone. We may not be getting on but it's not her fault that I've hidden my true self all these years. What I need to come to terms with is that it's not my fault either and just that thought reduces me to tears. I feel like I'm watching someone else's life and I'm so scared.
     
  19. IrishJ

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    Welcome Lonely,

    Your story as you can see rings true with so many of us on here. Still married, 2 teenagers, unhealthy codependent/narcissistic relationship here, in therapy, creating new self (genuine), new job about to start, met with attorney, - Making a plan here.

    Sorry to be so cryptic, on the road, just wanted to quickly share that you are not alone!

    With that said, Happy New Year - J
     
  20. SiennaFire

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    When I joined EC, I knew that I wanted to come out and the prospect of doing so was overwhelming. With the love and support of the site, I was able to come out and begin my journey towards authenticity. You are not alone (&&&)



    Your wife appears to be a bully who uses verbal abuse to get her way, so divorce on these grounds is potentially justified. I think it's best for you to sort this out with your divorce lawyer. I'll treat coming out and separation as independent activities until you figure this out.

    Her behavior is not OK. Her outbursts are not your fault for not behaving. She is the one who is treating you poorly in response to your actions. She could have chosen a more loving approach but did not. This is her emotional issue and she is responsible for her actions here, not you. It's not your fault.

    Having said that, it appears that you are codependent in this dynamic. My sense is that this codependence is the major impediment to your separating and coming out. You will need to fight for what you want and value. Effective coping skills and breaking the codependence will be critical once you come out regarding the separation or your sexuality. You need to get to a point where what she says does not invalidate your self-worth and does not stop you from doing what you need to do in order to find your true self. While it's possible that you'll get to a point where you are so dissatisfied with the status quo where this will happen spontaneously, it's more efficient to work with a therapist. You can even keep your sexuality out of the mix if you prefer. Do you have a therapist?

    Why would you want to close the closet door and return to your current life? Your wife is a bully who treats you like crap. Sure, you can take the easy path and just pretend that you never met this guy who could bring you happiness or at least put you on the path towards it. Unfortunately the genie is out of the bottle, so the easy path will no longer be quite so easy. You will torture yourself with the possibilities of what could have been. While the separation path is not easy initially, it will get far easier and way better over time. One day you will wake up and pinch yourself silly when you are content in your boyfriend's arms, spent after an amazing love making session.

    It sounds like you may have some residual shame from all those scripts you learned growing up? It's not your fault that you are gay. You were born this way and grew up in an environment with so many messages that being gay is bad that you had to pretend to be straight. It's not your fault!

    When I joined EC, I knew that I wanted to come out and the prospect of doing so was overwhelming. With the love and support of the site, I was able to come out and begin my journey towards authenticity. The two quotes in my sig were instrumental in helping me come out. Hopefully they will bring you some comfort as well.
    You are scared because you know this path holds the treasure you seek. Embrace your fear, learn its lesson, and then let it pass through you.
    Once you know that you want to separate or come out, you will need to become a warrior and fight for what you want. The old ways of being passive and accepting bad situations will no longer work. You will need to go out and fight for your happy life.

    You are not alone (&&&)
     
    #20 SiennaFire, Jan 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016