Will she every stop being so horrible?

Hi MiddleGay,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It would be amazing if people just accepted what is, worked on themselves, and worked towards being happy anyway -- this doesn't always happen.

I've never been married, or in your or your ex's position, but she just sounds really, really angry and heartbroken. If it doesn't pass, unfortunately, it is going to be her own problem. I understand your worry for your children, I would feel the same. I imagine you've brought these concerns to her - but you can only control your own circumstances. Hopefully she will not be bitter and angry all the time, and someday, you two will be civil and can talk. I have to imagine that it is so hard to lose someone you love because they cannot love you the same way.

Why don't you write her a letter? Voicing these concerns again, and telling her that it's not her or your fault that this is happening. Tell her you want to be there for her, and be friends with her, even if you can't be lovers. Remind her that she can find love again. It might be comforting, and she can't argue with you in a letter. I'm trying to imagine this with the person I recently loved who didn't love me back. Different circumstances, but maybe the same type of pain. I would say, give her some space. It's so hard to be friends with someone you love. I was super angry at my person (granted she manipulated me -- but your ex may feel like you manipulated her), and that was just a 'friendship' type of relationship. I can't imagine if I was in a real relationship with her, loved her, and then she told me she couldn't be with me anymore. It would probably kill me... for a long time. I would urge her again to seek someone to talk to, in a letter where she can't immediately freak out on you, because it's a hard thing to go through alone - and it would be a sad waste of life for her to stay bitter and not move on.

It sounds like you're handling it the best way you can. I think in a case like this, time will heal. Put a good amount of space between you two, and just remember that emotions are fleeting. It won't be exactly like this forever. Hopefully you both find some peace.

 

The descriptions you give of your soon to be ex often remind me of my ex husband--he has and does behave in ways similar to your wife.

There's a book called "Why does he do that?" about controlling and abusive men. It *really* helped me understand my husband, helped me better predict his behavior, and helped me better understand how to move forward without losing my mind. The book is technically about men, but if you read it you might recognize your wife in there and it might help you understand her and her behavior better. It might not ring true for you, but I sure wouldn't be surprised if it did.

My ex and I have been separated for a little over a yeAR and we have 2 small children. I find that the less.contact he and I have, the more sane everyone remains.I avoid being alone with him from any reason (no fear of physical harm, just emotional). It has taken a lot of discipline, and somerodes feels.cold hearted, but I just don't respond to any communication from him unless it's about logistics for the kids (and those I respond to promptly)

Good luck. Hang in there, and I'm sorry it is so hard.

 

If I didn't know any better, I'd almost think I wrote this about my ex. So incredibly similar.

 

This is a pretty typical response from the straight spouse who is still processing their loss (albeit inefficiently). Each person has their own timeline for processing their loss - as individualized as the timeline for accepting one's true sexuality. I also find her attempt to use emotional blackmail to get you to stay (if you loved me ...) distasteful. This situation sucks, but you need to hang in there!

Unfortunately, it's been my experience that hardening your heart is required for survival and to thrive.

A lot of this relates to the shifting power dynamics during the marriage endgame. In many cases, gay men in mixed-orientation marriages simply go with the flow to keep the peace during the marriage, often participating in a codependent dysfunctional relationship. Once the gay husband asserts that he is gay, the power play begins. Controlling wives tend to apply more manipulation. Husbands who resist these attempts and assert themselves get stronger and are able to leave their marriage. There are also some husbands who fall victim and stay in counterproductive marriages because of guilt or other negative emotions. Once your wife learns that her attempts at control no longer work, you may be able to open a more constructive dialog.

 

In skimming your old posts, I don't think the behaviors she is displaying today were common in your marriage pre-coming out. Am I correct? If I am, I would hesitate to label her abusive. She isn't handling this as well as you would like (or might expect), but that doesn't inherently make her a bad person, right? A quick review of your posts, show that you really sent mixed signals in the beginning igniting false hope and unrealistic expectations about what coming out met to your marriage. You are years ahead of her on this path. I think her anger at you is normal and part of the process, how you manage it is key to your own well-being.

There are marriage counselors who specialize in helping couples divorce. It is too bad she has abandoned therapy all together, because it really could help her.

for your sake, and likely hers, you need to limit interactions to kids, finances and the house. Where are you in the divorce process? Have the two of you agreed to anything, most importantly the parenting plan? If you have, are you currently following it?

what does divorce mean for her in terms of the house (does she want it) and finances? Is part of her pissed offness because of significant changes in these areas?

Your kids are old enough to walk out of the house and into your car without you needing to go to the door to get them, right? When you bring them home, just drop them off, saying goodbye at the car, and watch them get safely in the house before you leave.

There are certainly couples who divorce and the anger really remains forever. I think this isn't something you contemplated when you started down this path (I read your Modern Family analogy, social media, etc, has led people to believe that this is common, when it isn't. And Jay's ex wife isn't really a fan of Gloria anyway.) But in my perspective, while the anger may still remain, most can be civil in public and they just don't really interact much at all. (Even with kids, nowadays, most things can be handled via email or text.) But these folks have all moved on. They don't sit around festering, they just don't like their ex spouses very much. They go about their day to day business, raise their kids, etc and are generally happy. Just dont' get them started on their EX.

One final point, I hope you aren't saying to her, if you loved me, you would want me to be happy. Can you imagine someone who had broken your heart, saying that to you? While you don't have to take her angry words, etc, you are best to remove yourself from the situation rather than respond with aggression, etc. There is nothing wrong with not allowing a conversation to escalate to the point that you are saying things that you wished you weren't. Someone has to be the bigger person. End the phone call, walk out of the room/house, don't engage in text battles, etc.

 

I haven't experienced your particular situation, but as someone who has many regrets at how I responded to a betrayal/breakup with an ex, I can say that sometimes when you're hurt and angry, it's just hard to act in the mature, adult way that once you get all the rage and hurt out of your system you wish you had acted.

It probably would help her to have someone to talk to and help her work through it...having conversations with some of my friends did help me, but you can't force her to it and you're probably the last person she is willing to take advice from right now anyway.

Eventually, my ex and I apologized to each other and we both ended up regretting how we behaved towards each other, but we're not friends. We're just not enemies anymore.

Hopefully, your ex will be able to work through her issues and get to where she can deal with you on a more rational and adult level, but it is probably going to take some time.