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Sappy, Diary Entry New Years Post

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by YeahpIdk, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. YeahpIdk

    Regular Member

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    Oh, my lovely EC crew. It’s the end of the year, so I have to post something sappy and totally self involved about all the things I’m feeling. Here goes!

    I am exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Sexuality confusion sure takes a lot out of you – even physically, and for anyone struggling, I feel for you. You are not alone. I started my 2015 off badly. Like many of you know, I was completely wrapped up in my trigger crush. She was very beautiful, very sexy, very flirty, and very manipulative. This person—a human (?)—held my hand out in public, told me she thought I was “cute” and once “fucking gorgeous”; told me she wanted to cuddle with me, sort of cuddled with me, talked about marrying me, and then told me she had no romantic feelings for me after I poured my soul out to her in a letter. I needed her to pick a relationship. I couldn’t deal with this insane line I was tightrope walking between friends and lovers – it’s the most ridiculous place to be, and is actually completely insane to keep yourself lingering in. I know many of you on here are in this strange hell-dance with someone in your life, and I feel for you. I’d say to get the hell out of it and stop wasting your precious time and energy, but who am I to advise? I’m not. I felt like we tried to stay friends afterwards, but how can you be friends after you’ve fallen in love with someone? I sit here shrugging, because I don’t know. Obviously I cannot, as Trigger is, for the most part, completely out of my life. She wished me a Happy New Year at midnight last year, and then a month later, we stopped talking, and I just unraveled. I couldn’t stop questioning, continuing to be in love with her, and question who I was or what I was doing and if I even knew how to think and perceive reality correctly. I want to be more positive now, and look at this ‘unraveling’ as a shedding of old skin. Which brings me to this New Year…

    I’m not making any resolutions. Those are just fraught with fleeting, peppy New Year spirit. But the world is about to take another turn around the sun, and the sun is really big; that’s a pretty big adventure. And I think it’s sweet that, even if we don’t think about it too much in this way, we celebrate the universe making a successful lap around a ball of fire through an ever-changing galaxy (ugh, too deep). I want to start looking at life this way, and not being scared of it. I know I’m scared of the unknown because I make assumptions a lot of the time. I like to pretend that things have a road map, and that if A, B and C just happened, D will come next. Sometimes D doesn’t come next, and I want to start being okay with that. I just want to be … happy. And I know you can’t be happy all the time, but I want to be true to myself, because I know deep down, that will make me happy. So for me, this year is going to be about honesty, trying, calmness, and choosing to be more positive.

    I want to start listening to myself again, and maybe better than I previously had been. I want to trust myself and pay more attention to logic. I lost so much of that with my trigger crush, because a huge part of me was screaming at myself about her the whole time. I knew she was just messing with my head. She was doing things to tell me that this was who she was the whole time, by bragging about people who liked her, constantly talking about trust issues, sending photos of herself everyday when she looked super hot, and never truly reciprocating feelings. She would be artfully cryptic with expressing feelings towards me, by acting a certain way, and saying extremely forward things or alluding to wanting to be with me but being too scared to say anything while never once actually saying it. I was purely entertainment for her, which is understandable, because honestly, I’m quite entertaining -- but I didn’t want to listen or see these things. Not in a real way, because whatever I was feeling felt too good. She knew how to do this dance well, but I certainly did not, and do not. I don’t understand this type of behavior, even now. It’s pointless to me. But I'm someone who does things with intention – I imagine there are people out there who do things, like play with people’s lives and emotions, for fun. I don’t know. I wasn’t raised to intentionally hurt or confuse people, and perhaps I should thank my mama for it, because I’d never want to. Plus it’s so exhausting, who has time to live a double life like that? Taking all of this into consideration, it’s not surprising that I would be hurt and extremely confused. This was quite possibly the first time I've ever really fallen for someone, and as if the universe wasn't hilarious enough, they made it a girl.

    Universe: 1
    Alice: 0

    I’m an, at least partially, intelligent human with a personality, and I have emotions. I want to remember this when I’m being hard on myself, and honor it. I really am, to a fault sometimes, an extremely honest person -- which makes me ask, how do I think I can be dishonest with myself? This makes me put my sexuality into perspective. I fell for a girl, before she started messing with me, and then I realized that there's something special about the way I feel about one when I find them sexually attractive. My whole self wants them. I think guys are hot, too - but I don't know. It's just not the same. Something inside me just feels ... mmmm, kiiiind of gaaaaay. And the majority of me feels pretty okay with it. I know I can still end up with a guy, but then that's what it will be. So, I am choosing to honor this, and stop questioning. There are things I still harp on, but I just want to live, because I deserve better than I have been letting myself receive, mostly from myself. And I think if I truly grasp this, and strive for my best life, things will probably start to change. They say we’re the only ones in charge of our own happiness. I believe them, and I want to start being better to myself. I hope that anyone struggling with any of these issues will do the same.

    I want to end this with a little love note to you guys. I really, truly am so thankful for you all and this forum, especially those I have gotten close with. Coming here, and expressing my repetitive, ruminating, merry-go-round thoughts about my trigger crush and my sexuality and my problems with myself and what they all mean, have been priceless. I honestly don’t know where I would be without you guys. Perhaps still freaking out and questioning. Perhaps with Trigger still in the picture. You guys have given me strength and hope and understanding in times that I needed it so badly, and for that, I am grateful. I’d like to end on this quote that I love from a building I used to pass everyday on my way to work that always put up great quotes:

    “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried – but actually, you’ve been planted.”


    Have a lovely New Year, everyone. It feels like it might be a good one. :icon_bigg
     
    #1 YeahpIdk, Dec 30, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2015