So I am not really good at doing long posts...I want to just write this all down quickly but maybe it's a long story when confusion about sexuality is involved...do I go back to childhood? My whole life has been playing over and over in my head the past year and yesterday it hit me hard..."YOU LIKE WOMEN!"...the short of it is I am a mother of 2 young kids with my 7 year male partner. We have always joked about me being bi and he often says "you're so gay" but because I have never actually been with a woman it was just that, joking around, feeding the flame of our own sex life with the fantasy etc. But since my second kid was born things have just not felt right in my heart. I became very interested in the idea of polyamory and still am but I think the deeper issue is that I have without realizing it, been in the closet about my attraction to women...even though I have been open about my liking lesbian porn from a young age, having crushes on girls, actually being attracted to my closest girlfriend...it all seemed "funny" until yesterday, when I thought, shit, this may be where my anxiety and fears and feeling of unhappiness come from....to say the least I am insanely confused at the moment....where do I begin this journey? I am going to tell my partner I joined this site this weekend...I feel like honesty with him every step of the way is the only answer to getting through this with our relationship (however it ends up in the end) in tact.
I have a similar story. It wasn't until I was 40 that I could really really see that I am lesbian. I had this weird wall, where on one side I was attracted to men, didn't mind sex with them, enjoyed it even. And then on the other side I felt like an idiot, insecure, like an impostor and completely in denial that it was women's bodies that turned me on. Before I got married I had a couple of relationships with women. I'm shy, and femme, so I always felt invisible. So those two relationships were not right for me, and instead of realizing it was not a good match, instead I thought, well I guess I'm not really gay. I just ended a 7 year relationship with the woman I ended my marriage for, and I did fall deeply in love. I was really able to allow myself to be attracted, to really be with her. So I crossed a line in myself, and while I still wonder sometimes about being in a relationship with a man, I know I never will. And it is just so weird. I still feel some disbelief about it. It was hard for my ex-husband on many levels, though I did identify as bi when we met, so it wasn't a complete shock. But it bruises a man in a way that just hurts. And then, I cheated on him too, with her, and I was so swept up in what was happening, I didn't care that I hurt him. Now, having broken up with her, and she has moved on to someone else, and I am so hurt, I apologized to him for it. And we are friends now, raising children together, making it work. I can't say that coming out has been easy. I still have serious depression issues and people are a pain in the ass and relationships suck. But there is a more solid sense of myself now.
Hi. I'm dealing with similar feelings... and fully concur with your decision to keep open communication with your husband. That's where I'm at, and it's been a really positive thing (I count my lucky stars). I don't know where the journey begins. It sounds like you're part way along the path. From where you are, where do you see might be the next milestone? What, if you could imagine it, would be the next rest stop? The best question that someone has asked me is, "If you could ask for anything, what would you want?" I still don't know the answer, but I'm thinking about it a lot. We're thinking about it (me and my husband). I'm not sure if asking this question of yourself might help...
Thank you for sharing Antsy...WanderingMind, those are really good questions I have been thinking about them today...my anxiety about this all has gotten worse as my husband is in such horrible mood it is just escalating this feeling of being trapped...I feel like I am just about to blurt everything out but it is definitely not the right time with him being stressed from long shift and having two little ones...hopefully tonight/tomorrow though... My next rest stop, after thinking about it would be having my body back...no one feeling it is theirs including my partner and my kids (I have not been single since I was 19, my last boyfriend and current partner overapped)...I am stretched so thin, sleep deprived, and touched out. And the kind of touch I yearn for my husband does not give. Post sex it's get up and get dressed... no cuddling, caressing, no talking about life or just shooting the shit. My husband is also very anti-social so we live somewhat hermit lives and that is outside my personality (though I do have my own close friends he is not close to anyone that I am, or really anyone except me for that matter) An additional note about how this snowballed in my head over the past couple days is I was thinking about all the friends I have had since a young age....I was always closest to males in groups, and found this the most comfortable but all these friendships fell apart because relationships occured and feelings were hurt among other guys in the group....My girl relationships on the otherhand have mostly been one on one, really intense friendships...I don't do well in big groups of girls (or maybe groups of straight girls...I would love to meet a group of gay girls and see how the dynamic is for me)
Thank you for sharing Antsy...WanderingMind, those are really good questions I have been thinking about them today...my anxiety about this all has gotten worse as my husband is in such horrible mood it is just escalating this feeling of being trapped...I feel like I am just about to blurt everything out but it is definitely not the right time with him being stressed from long shift and having two little ones...hopefully tonight/tomorrow though... My next rest stop, after thinking about it would be having my body back...no one feeling it is theirs including my partner and my kids (I have not been single since I was 19, my last boyfriend and current partner overapped)...I am stretched so thin, sleep deprived, and touched out. And the kind of touch I yearn for my husband does not give. Post sex it's get up and get dressed... no cuddling, caressing, no talking about life or just shooting the shit. My husband is also very anti-social so we live somewhat hermit lives and that is outside my personality (though I do have my own close friends he is not close to anyone that I am, or really anyone except me for that matter) An additional note about how this snowballed in my head over the past couple days is I was thinking about all the friends I have had since a young age....I was always closest to males in groups, and found this the most comfortable but all these friendships fell apart because relationships occured and feelings were hurt among other guys in the group....My girl relationships on the otherhand have mostly been one on one, really intense friendships...I don't do well in big groups of girls (or maybe groups of straight girls...I would love to meet a group of gay girls and see how the dynamic is for me) ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2016 at 09:27 AM ---------- BUT I should add that he is an amazing lover during actual sex...and even though I may come 4 times...it never seems "fulfilling"
I think you should open about this to your partner and discuss if he is okay with the idea of you trying with a women.
Young ones are so high maintenance, and cling to every part of you all day. I remember what that's like. Are there any activities you could do to get your body to yourself? For me, dancing worked well... and getting out of the house for a planned activity once a week when they were little and clingy kept me sane. Is there anything you can do to invest in *you*?
Yes I have slowly started doing activities outside the house on my own maybe once every two weeks...but my daughter still nurses so I always have to get home for that.
Also...a monthly dance party for queer/bi women and friends of the queer community happens once a month....I have had that on my radar to try out for a few years but never have.
Hi Tara, I remember the nursing and feeling "touched out" well. I still get that way a bit, bc my kids can be clingy, and I don't really like being touched by most people most of the time. Long story shorter, I realized about 18 months ago that I was *really* bi, as opposed to curious/experimented in high school/now it's over:I'm a straight suburbanite with two kids and a great husband. Things that worked in my favor: honesty with my husband, but also gentleness so as not to overwhelm him, being faithful to my monogamous marriage, even as I've started to understand that I may need something different in the time to come (which he is starting to realize too), fantasies - especially those I share with my husband, being open with my friends, being more open on lgbt issues in general with everyone I know and on Facebook. I hope that helps... Feel free to ask questions.
Thank you so much for everyone sharing their stories...I told him last night and it was really hard. He actually became really quiet the rest of the night and slept with my son in his bed last night for the whole night which he never does. We did not go into details of WHAT i want to see happen but more just left it at this is something I need to experience and be open to explore...but I told him there is no woman in my life, I am not going out tomorrow to meet someone but rather just want him to know these feelings are eating away at me....His biggest concern was that I would fall in love and leave him when I did do some exploring (a legitimate concern for anyone opening up a relationship). We will see where the coming weeks take us with this conversation.
If you are serious about opening your relationship, I've been told that Tristan Taraomino (sp?)'s book is really good. She also has a podcast.
