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Where to start with counseling?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Outbound, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. Outbound

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    Where to start with counseling?

    My wife and I are in a mixed-orientation marriage of 12 years and issues are surfacing that we have not been able resolve. I am really struggling with the fact that I am gay in regards to our relationship. We are planning to start counseling soon, but I don't know what the goals should be. Thoughts that have floated through my head are we need to answer whether or not to stay together and what to do about my same-sex attraction.

    So what should be expected in counseling? Should it be individual, together or both?

    Back story in the welcome lounge.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Congratulations on taking steps to address some of the issues in your mixed-orientation marriage.

    You definitely should start with couples counseling to outline and discuss the issues in the marriage and how you each feel about them. Then you can explore the issues in more depth and create a battle plan. You may also want to consider individual therapy as a way to help each of you process your feelings.

    How sessions are structured depends on your goals. Can you share more about the marital issues and what is your desired outcome if you have one in mind? Possible outcomes include
    1. Stay married and remain faithful to your wife
    2. Stay married and open the marriage
    3. Separate
    4. Divorce
    Couples therapy can certainly facilitate the discussion of deciding what to do. It can also be helpful in establishing agreement and ground rules. In the separation/divorce case, couples therapy can be helpful in starting the dialog and crafting messages to the children.

    It sounds like the primary goal for your couples therapy is to determine whether or not to stay married. I got the sense from reading your introductory post that you are gay and don't feel that you can be genuinely happy unless you are partnered with another man, but perhaps there are other circumstances at play here?

    I'm a little concerned about your statement "what to do about my same-sex attraction". Please understand that the term "same-sex attraction" has been used by the practitioners of reparative therapy as a synonym for gay, more specifically referring to a condition that can be treated and cured. All credible authorities recognize that people are born gay and it's no longer viewed as a disorder that needs treatment. As such, the term SSA has a negative connotation in the gay community and should be avoided.
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Jan 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016
  3. Boatman

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    I agree with SiennaFire. From personal experience I found that my individual counselling, although did me a lot of good, did hinder the discussion with my wife. I'd go together and use individual counselling at a later date to help with issues directly concerning you. But keeping a positive line of communication with your wife as a priority
     
    #3 Boatman, Jan 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  4. Outbound

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    SiennaFire, thank you for your thoughtful response. You do pose some good questions.

    I would start by saying it is has been a growing set of problems. There are issues surrounding running of the household, mundane stuff like grocery shopping. Lack of carrying on a conversation, we were on a date without the kids today and on the four hour car ride the silence was deafening. There were awkward attempt to get something going but it just died. The last surround sex, I rarely orgasm anymore during intercourse and when she performs oral sex I end up feeling guilty. As to the desired outcome, I am open to any except the open relationship, since that is not fair to my wife and I realize there are challenges with any of the paths forward.

    I agree there are probably other circumstances at play, mainly surrounding a depression that has set in over the last year. I have lost interest in doing thing I used to enjoy like skiing or planning travel. I don't think I am looking for happiness from a relationship with a person from either gender. I think I am looking more for companionship which I feel is lacking.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    Find a counselor who specializes in the area you believe you need counselling in. DON'T COMPROMISE if you cant find a counselor in your area you need help in. Compromising is a waste of money.
     
  6. IrishJ

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    Good morning Outbound,

    Chiming in - If you are truly looking to remain a couple then "couples" therapy is a no brainer. If you are looking to work on yourself/depression then I would consider individual therapy with the possibility of medication.

    With either, take time and interview more than one therapist, ask around for referrals if you have anyone in your circle that can help.

    I am currently on a similar path, not trying to project - just adding a bit of experience.

    Be well - J
     
  7. CameOutSwinging

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    If you can swing it, I'd suggest couples therapy AND individual therapy for yourself, if not for both you and your wife if she is open to going alone as well. Seems like you could gain a lot out of some self reflection, which you might not get in a couples therapy setting. The couples therapy will help with you deciding as a couple how to move forward, but you may discover things about yourself individually that need focus and attention as well if you explore individual therapy. I'd recommend you find somebody who specializes in LGBTQ issues, particularly questioning sexuality and coming out. Good luck!
     
  8. Shadowsylke

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    Just one note...couples counseling is not recommended if there is abuse in the relationship. The manipulating, controlling partner usually ends up manipulating the therapy process. In cases of abuse, individual therapy is the way to go.

    I have no idea if your relationship involves abuse or not, of course, but just thought I'd mention it, just in case.

    If abuse is not an issue for you, then couples therapy is indeed a good option.
     
  9. Outbound

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    Thanks all for your perspectives. My wife and I sat down this evening to look for a counselor. I think we found one to give a try that does both individual and couples therapy.
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    Apologies for the delayed response.
    Couples therapy sounds good for the list of issues you mention. Given what you've written about your relationship, I'm wondering if there's a realistic chance you can repair the marriage.

    If you are clinically depressed, then you should find sooner rather than later either a psychiatrist or therapist to treat the depression, assuming you haven't done so already.
     
    #10 SiennaFire, Jan 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2016