I came out as gay in February of 2015. My husband was ideal through the process, honestly. He offered to come with me to tell my folks, my siblings. He stuck up for me to his siblings. He offered for me to stay in our house. It felt like a slow death, staying in the house. So I ended up moving in with my sister for a while. He has almost no family local to him. And maybe one semi-close friend. His life really centered on my extremely active family. I just can't shake the feeling that I've taken his life away. He jumped into a relationship with a woman that became abusive, so I helped him out of it as much as he'd let me. He spent the holidays alone (our family invited him, but he isn't comfortable, totally understandable). He has a great job but is otherwise miserable and talks about it all the time (I tried to get him in support groups and therapy but to no avail) I just feel like such a monster. I am in a relationship with a woman right now, who thankfully, likes my ex-husband, is supportive of my constantly trying to get him back on track. But I feel so responsible for his misery. I have taken the rug out from under him. I gave him the house out of guilt, and most of our stuff. I Just don't know how to fix it, or come to peace with it. I know I made the right call for me...but at what cost? I can't stop feeling worthless. Does anyone feel this way? How do you cope with it?
I have a lot of feelings of guilt regarding my husband. We have not separated or divorced yet, but I know it will likely end that way. Because of kids and other issues we have agreed to stay together for a year. He talks as if divorce isn't a guarantee but I can't see any other way. I stole his life from him, the life he thought he had. He feels used -and indirectly he was. My husband is taking it better than most, which in some ways adds to the guilt because he isn't lashing out but is trying to be understanding and wanting my happiness. I think these are situations where no matter what is done there is pain caused in the end. I try to be careful what I say. We have a very honest relationship, but in my processing of all this I have said things that have hurt him. There are now things that are better left unsaid. That is new to our relationship. I cope with the fact that I can't go backwards, even if I wanted to and at times I do, there is no way to undo this. I just try to be better at thinking about how something might make him feel. It sounds like you are doing what you can for him. A support group would be good, but if he isn't willing to go there isn't much that can be done.
We have not told my family or his- but my husband has told me he will be my biggest supporter. Is he hurt- yes he is and I feel beyond guilty about it. Is he being a jerk-for the most part no he has jerky moments like all of us. I am like you Biblovian- in that he has been more active with my family than his own. My family cares deeply for him- and I am scared of their response to our relationship changing. To me I see no reason why he cannot still come to family events- but I am sure he will not. He works and comes home. So yes I feel beyond guilty. Thank you for posting- and putting this out there because without it I think I would have felt like I was the only one.
Should he relocate? Do you think there are places that would be better for him to live? you don't mention kids, so I am presuming there are none, but if there are then ignore this post. What he may need is a clean start, in a new place near old friends or family (if they are a positive support). Perhaps this is what you need to encourage him to do -- gently of course. Or, if it isn't too weird, can you encourage your friends to fix him up with their friends? I know this sounds strange, but it happens....
His issue of being alone is the only one thing I can identify with regarding your situation and his. While you may feel guilty about him now not having family or friends close by, it wouldn't have gotten any better over time. Chances are, it would have been much more difficult for him later in life. You can be supportive, but he has to make choices. No one can do that for him. I might also suggest you seek out how to forgive yourself for any pain you might have caused him. Google forgiveness. Its probably not what you think it is. Truth is, forgiveness is admitting that nothing can be done to change the past. He is a young man. He has much life ahead of him.
At some point, you will need to find forgiveness in your heart for yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. Your allowed.
I have lived this guilt, to a certain extent I still am although I am trying to feel it more as remorse now. I have bent over backwards to cater to my soon to be ex wife in part because I think it's the right thing to do but I deal with her extremes and bad behavior mostly because of the guilt. However, there are a couple of things I want the OP and others in this thread to remember: 1) In terms of knowing your sexuality and accepting it. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU KNOW. There is no right and wrong here, no one can force the timing of this on you. To be anything other than straight in this world is to be excluded and ridiculed, it's that simple. To those who say it's better now, yes you are correct, but even now try walking down through a suburban mall holding hands with a member of the same sex. You cannot blame yourself for not coming to terms with your sexuality until now. 2) Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Even in close relationships, we are still individuals, neither partner is responsible for the happiness of the other one, you simply are there to be who you are and in doing so this should bring happiness to your partner. They must choose to be happy. 3) Forgive yourself. To err is human. To forgive is to be divine. I feel for your husband, I really do. It sounds harsh, be we all must have the capabilities to survive on our own. Divorce is a common fact of life, and a large number of relationships end, each of us must be able to deal with this in the same way we all must deal with death. It is just life. I think you should help your ex, encourage him to seek support, make new friends, find another partner. However, draw boundaries, you are not his mother and he is not a child. You deserve to be free.
My goodness, thank you all so much for your responses. @Really: He had not heard of the straight spouse network, he's going to check it out tonight. Thank you and others who recommended it. He also mentioned last night that he was considering talking to someone in person. So there's hope on that front. @Laterinlife lez: In case it helps any sense of anxiety, my family was extremely supportive of me. I, like you, was very apprehensive and thought they'd be upset with me in defense of my ex-h but they weren't. They all cared about my happiness and being fulfilled first. But they do worry for him. They bring up how badly they feel for his situation, and those comments, although well intentioned, cut me like a knife. To everyone else: thank you so much. I know I have to, on some level, forgive myself and let the future play out. I think it'll be easier if he finds a partner. He's just so lonely and I can't be that constant companion for him anymore. I think relocating is a brilliant idea but he'd have to give up our house to do so. I did convince him to take some time to travel in hopes that the will refresh his sense of independence. We will see what 2016 will bring.
