How soon is too soon?

I think we all would have liked to have some type of guide to follow. But unfortunately we each have to create our own guide based on our own situation. I do not believe there is any right or wrong time to begin exploring your sexuality as you are asking.

Whether you do it now or wait a month, year, several years, chances are you will get a similar reaction from your wife, whatever that reaction might be.

My own view, is there is no need to delay the inevitable. You will need to begin to move on, no better time to do it in the present to the extent you are ready yourself.

The rest will fall into place a it otherwise would.

 

Completely agree with OnTheHighway, each situation breeds it's own guidelines and expectations. In my situation, my husband started dating someone before I left the house (so within two weeks). It was his way of being excited for changes. It may not have been super healthy in hindsight for him, but it didn't bother either of me then or either of us when we started dating other people.

I also didn't tell him for a couple of weeks when I had started talking to someone because I was nervous he'd be hurt, but he was just happy for me. It would obviously be different with different people but that was my experience. I say go out there. Test some waters.

 

If you are interested in a relationship, I would suggest that you wait until after you are off the coming out high. Anecdotally relationships during the coming out high usually don't work out most of the time (there are exceptions), so you are risking a double whammy if things don't work out (crash from coming out high and crash from relationship). Something to keep in mind at least.

 

I am in the same boat, GayDad917. I am 46, just came out to everyone about three months ago and am excited to run out and find someone; however, I'm trying to take things slowly because of the same things SiennaFire said, making rash decisions. I have a gay therapist that is helping me with the transition and he warns of the same things. So, for now, I'm focusing on my health - getting back into shape - and just making friends where I can.

 

I am going to play devils advocate on this one. On one extreme, I do agree if your going into a relationship with long term expectations, then that might not be a great idea. But I do not think the issue is getting into a relationship, I believe the question is what your expectations should be.

If your in a relationship without any expectations, and you take it as it comes, I do not see anything inherently wrong with that. I did jump into a relationship quickly. It only lasted 9 months or so, but I found it to be very helpful towards my own personal development on my journey.

I did not set any up front expectations for myself. When it became clear that we were not compatible long term for one another, we both agreed to call it off.

The guy I was in the relationship with also had similar expectations as mine going in. He knew I had just come out, knew I was not yet comfortable on my own two feet, and wanted to give it a go just the same.

When we did end the relationship, I was sad and it did impact me for a while, but I found I was able to move on rather quickly.

 

While I agree there is value in taking the plunge, I got involved way too soon after coming out. Let's just say that in hindsight the coming out high clouded my judgment. Without knowing exactly where the OP is on the coming out wave, it would be difficult to advise him specifically, other than to call out the risks so that he is aware of them so that he can make an informed decision and enter into the endeavor with eyes wide open.

:goodevil:

 

Thanks for clarifying. After reviewing your posts, I see that you came out to your wife shortly before Christmas.

I think that you should wait to begin your explorations. You are still in the coming out high and more importantly your wife appears to be having a delayed reaction to the news.

It's typical for the straight spouse to experience a roller coaster of emotions after the gay spouse comes out. The straight spouse must go through the grieving process for the end of the relationship and marriage, which includes the Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance stages. It seems highly unlikely that she would jump to the Acceptance phase after less than 2 weeks. Spouses usually take months or years to get there. Has she displayed any negative emotions since you came out?

Your wife's reaction seems too good to be true, so I'm skeptical.

 

If you do decide to hang out with people and explore a bit, under your circumstances, I would recommend you do so discretely. Its not lying since you have been open with your wife, but it keeps it away from her directly, which would be the right thing to do.

I kinda messed up on this point early on, and if I were to have done it over again, would have been more discrete.

 

I continue to be skeptical. Very atypical. I have no insights to offer on the lack of response. Is it possible that she was planning on divorcing you? We'll have to escalate to greatwhale or other EC staff members

I agree with OTH that you should keep everything discrete and on the down low.

 

Answering the call here...(*hug*)

I like the OP's wife already! Her bluntness and honesty are a breath of fresh air, maybe she knew all along, maybe she has her own agenda, in the end, however, it doesn't matter. If she is willing to let the chips fall where they may, including separation and divorce, then there doesn't seem to be much in the way of an obstacle to you beginning to explore who you are.

I would advise caution when it comes to the details of your separation, this is where you may be lulled into a false sense of "everything is OK". The division of assets, and negotiations around support are almost certainly going to be contentious issues. Nevertheless, if you are totally honest with each other, embarrassingly honest if necessary, and if you are generous about each other's motives (i.e. trusting) you will find a way to minimize the inevitable conflicts.