More conversation, less action, more confusion

Last time on "my life," I separated from my (not-legally-married-to) wife, only to go back a day later, then realize that may have been a mistake, and again move into my mother's apartment about a week later. So here's where we are now -

We're separated still, but talk every day and see each other just about every day as well. We've had some major fights in the last week, including a very public one in midtown Manhattan on New Year's Eve. I'm mostly living at my Mom's, though I did spend the last four nights at home (NYE, after meeting up with my wife around 2 am. She was wasted and needed somebody to get her home safely; Friday night I spent at home but alone, as she went to stay by her mother's; Saturday we spent all of together at my cousin's wedding; Sunday we spent together, mostly talking about our relationship). I'm back at my Mom's tonight.

Admittedly, I'm still not sure how I'm feeling in terms of what to do next. Yes I get the sexuality aspects of our issues, I like men and maybe, just maybe, would be happier being with a man. But I do love my wife. So my focus has shifted a little bit. Now I'm thinking well, if we both made certain changes as people, our relationship could work. But maybe I'm wrong. Part of me wonders if the things that I want from another person just aren't things that I can get from her. And on that basic level, if we're just not a match, then that's that. And yes, if I'm single, I'm going to date men.

Now my wife, on the other hand, thinks that my sexuality is the thing that needs to be figured out first and the relationship issues outside of that can be figured out later. It's hard, because I feel like I've figured my sexuality out actually - I like men! A lot! I'd date men if I were single! Done. To me, it doesn't mean that I can't be monogamous (yes I know, my past has not been monogamous, but I've been approaching sex very differently the last few months. I feel like I've matured in that regard) and it doesn't mean that I'll be suffering. Mixed orientation marriages exist, some people on here are even part of them. It is do-able if it is the choice we make.

That said, my wife finally had a breakthrough of her own. SHE'S THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT MY SEXUALITY! That is, she is the one that needs to decide if she wants to be with a man that is openly admitting that he likes men, that wants to be able to speak openly about such things to friends, family, on social media, etc. That she will support me through the journey and try to be more understanding about what I am going through. And the truth is, right now, she's just not sure. If she decides she can't do it and that's the official end of things, she feels that she can probably stay friends with me, and I would be happy about that.

It came up because she saw a post on her FB about somebody being "queer" and asked me what that means. I tried to explain it to her, looked up some articles that did it better than I could, but she just didn't understand. To her, it all just sounds like "confused," which I get if you're coming at it from a point of view of never really being exposed to such things. But truthfully, I probably come closer to identifying as queer than any other label, so I took the chance to ask her if she wanted to see some articles and maybe try to understand it a bit more. She said she's not sure, because reading stuff like that just pushes her away more. To me, that is major potentially. I can be "queer" without being with men, but I want my partner to at least be understanding of who I am and empathetic towards it. Empathy more than anything else. I don't think that's a crazy thing to ask.

So that's where we are, thinking things over. There's no denying that there's love here between us, but she has every right to not want to be with a man who is into men. She just needs to decide that, just like I need to decide on being with somebody who has certain characteristics that she has and may always have (lack of empathy is a huge one and it comes out in different ways about different things honestly).

 

I guess to me, the part to figure out is if I could be happy long term in a monogamous relationship with a woman. And I don't know how one figures that out per se. I'm not in the position of some of the people on here who have been married for a decade and hit a point where I realized it isn't what I want. This may sound weird because I know the struggles you guys have gone through, but sometimes I wish that were the case so maybe I'd feel more sure about things. But I also get that you probably look at me and think I should do something now and NOT be the person who comes out at 40 after a decade of marriage, possibly having kids, etc.

I feel like I'm coming to terms with knowing who I am and being able to say it - a gay man who happens to love a woman. But maybe knowing what to do with that is the hard part.

 

You're 100% right that I like the tough choices being made for me. I mean, not to say that if my wife (and yes, you're right, we're not legally wed) decided it was over that I wouldn't be upset, but I'd have an easier time saying okay, time to move forward and deal. I guess I'm pretty honest in my words if that trait of mine is so obvious that you can see it.

I really do love her, and I guess the main question I have is whether staying with her even would be sacrificing my happiness or if it's just a matter of finding that happiness within the relationship. That's the struggle right now. Maybe that's what the struggle has always been.

 

You definitely get the right sense of the questions going through my mind as well. When things are good with her, I feel like I am in a loving relationship. But honestly, I do wonder if part of it is just me being happy to have somebody, period. I think often that our "love languages" aren't quite the same. I'm a lot more affectionate, a lot more caring, and understanding than I think she is. I want those things given back to me and I wonder now if she is capable. And it doesn't make her a bad person if she isn't, it just might mean that we're not right for each other.

Maybe that's something that has always been there and I've just let myself ignore it because I knew if she just gave me the chance, we could fall in love. And we did. But now I question why I didn't figure out the things that I wanted before, or figure out that at the very least I should stand up for the things that I want.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2016 at 08:16 AM ----------

I'm happier when I'm able to be open and honest about who I am. Which is a big part of why I say I'm becoming comfortable with admitting that I'm predominately gay and want to be open about it. It's the lying that makes me unhappy, as at heart I think I'm a very honest person.

I guess, and this is where I admit it probably sounds stupid but I know I'm far from the only person in this position, as I've googled up quite a few stories about it - does being openly gay mean that I can't be with a woman?

 

That's interesting. Definitely food for thought.

I mean, the things I know about myself always make me think on paper I'm soooo gay. Attracted to men since I was a kid, actively having sex with men since I was 19, even falling in love with a couple of guys (all be it they didn't result in relationships). I have an emotional connection with women and do enjoy sex with women, though I don't really desire it (I did twice in my life, but at this point, I feel comfortable saying I'd be fine never having sex with a woman again). But yeah, I've had moments where I felt like I wasn't gay, that I was just one of those guys who likes sex and having it with men was easier than having it with women. Of course, that doesn't explain my attraction to men, which is like whoa. So yeah. Who on Earth knows.

But it certainly sounds like I'm gay.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2016 at 12:14 PM ----------

I guess sometimes I wonder if anybody could fully satisfy me. Like, what does that even mean? Would falling in love with a man be different from falling in love with a woman has been? When I fell in love with my friend this summer, it felt a lot like falling for my ex from when I was 21. And even how I felt when my wife and I first fell in love. So maybe there's no difference there? And sex wise, I've had amazing sex with both men and women. Again, does that change? I don't know, just giving you the things that are going through my mind as I analyze (probably overly so) this whole thing.

 

That's kind of exactly what I'm doing, trying to look at the other issues. I mean, it doesn't help that I'm naturally a co-dependent person, so I have to kind of work against my natural instinct to just cave and make things all better. I've told her a few of the things I need/want from her (and no, this does not include an open marriage) and she's considering if they're things she can work on. She says I would need to give it time, and while I agree that some things will take time, things like being more empathetic and maybe not being rude/mean/yelling should be something she can fix right now. Just a matter of controlling her instinctual responses. I don't think that's unfair to ask. But maybe I'm wrong about that.

There's stuff I need to work on too that she needs from me, but those are far easier (like contributing more financially, and doing more of the chores). She sees me as an irresponsible person, which bothers me but I do sort of get what she's saying.

But yeah, this could also all be an act of futility.

 

Wow, cameronbayarea, thank you for sharing all of that. That's so many of my fears just spelled out right there. I already know that my wife has issues with my sexuality. She's told me that a big reason for our sex life suffering was her fear of not being enough because I'm bisexual, which she's known since basically day 1. I do fear her leaving me in the future because it would potentially feel like I wasted time I could have spent being young and meeting men (I already feel like I missed a bit of that).

I'm actually planning to show her your post (I'll copy/paste it to her in an email, as I don't want to show her the forum) as I think it may even help her to realize some of the fears she has and hasn't expressed yet.

You're so right though about communication being absolutely key. Full, unfiltered, communication. Which is s challenge for me.

 

My head is still just all over the place. I guess that's the best way to put it.

 

Top of the list, I think, is fear of being wrong. That I'm not actually gay, and that I could have made things work with this woman I love and just got too caught up in sex to let myself just be bisexual and okay with just being with a woman. I know, I know, so many things logically point to me being gay - my attraction to men (and lack there of towards women); my history of sexual encounters with men; my feelings for a man this past summer (and back in college); my feeling a connection to people who are openly gay, and gay topics. Just to spitball a few things. But I'm not a logical person. I tend to think with my heart. And in my heart, I've had two women who I've fallen in love with in my lifetime. Who I found attractive because I loved them. Who I enjoyed being intimate with because I loved them. With that aspect being true, it makes me question how I can really be 100% gay. I can say without question that if I were to be single again, I'd date men only. Probably force myself to stick with it. But that's not exactly where I'm at. And I fear being wrong about it and ending up alone or with another woman just to have this play out again.

I'm afraid of being rejected, by pretty much anybody ever, for the most part. I'm actually surprised how little it bothers me that my ex-girlfriend rejecting me two months ago didn't bother me at all past a slight sting, maybe I just don't care about her as much anymore. But rejection from people I do care about, and that includes my wife, is scary.

I actually don't think I went through with the wedding just for the show of it. I went through with it because I didn't want to call it off, because of that fear of losing her (because I may be wrong, and because I don't want to be rejected). I proposed not getting legally wed because it still gave me an easier out if I decided I wanted that. Basically, I found my way to have my cake and eat it too. At least in regards to not wanting to commit while also not wanting to walk away.

I'm also slightly afraid of not being monogamous. Because most people seem to want that. Heck, I think I want that, emotionally at least. I don't know, it's a point that I've not considered a lot. But what if I fell for a guy who wasn't 100% my type? What if I still wanted to have sex with other guys? Wouldn't that just leave me in the same place? I think a lot of it is not having very much confidence, and feeling affirmed by every new guy who comes across and says hey you're hot enough to have sex with. It boosts my confidence. Doesn't last, but it works for awhile.

I think I have a lot of work to do on myself, no matter what.