Crush on a co-worker..not good. Help!

Wooh! You've got it bad!

The way I see it, you have a myriad of options, even in choosing how to get over her.

You could...

- Talk to your husband about it. Maybe he's open to you trying things out with this co-worker of yours, maybe he isn't. Either way, she might not want to get involved with someone who's already committed, but that would be her decision.

- Talk to her about it. You could do this in the playful way that shouldn't strain your work relationship too much, but let her know anyway. Tell her that you find her attractive or feel like you might be developing a crush on her. You could say something like, "If I were single and we weren't coworkers, I would have totally asked you out, but alas - in another life maybe."

Or you could talk to her about it in a more serious way: "Listen, I don't know if this is all in my head, but I feel like we have some pretty strong chemistry and that frightens and excited me a little because being accepting towards myself about being attracted to women is kind of new to me, and also worries me because I wish to be faithful to my husband... Also, I wouldn't want to get you or me into a situation where one or both of us get hurt... Is there any way we can set clear boundaries and remain friendly to one another?"

That should let her know you're both a) attracted to her, b) not going to take things further and c) considerate of her feelings too. And please do be considerate of her feelings as well as your husband's. All too often I see or hear married women talk about out lesbians as if we're made of impenetrable titanium (cue: David Guetta feat. Sia). Newsflash: We're not.

If she's worth your attention in the first place, she should respect your wishes and - who knows - you just might end up gaining a friend! And one who would likely be willing to listen to you when you need to talk about your orientation with someone else than your husband at that (i.e. someone whose feelings or masculinity won't be hurt when you do).

Yes, it may also make you feel terribly vulnerable, but like I said, if she's worth being friends with and if she respects you and your feelings, she should appreciate your being honest and showing her this level of trust. But that's your judgement call.

Sure it may be awkward for a little while, as the two of you adjust as necessary, but it would get better in the long run.

I'm in the opposite situation to you, with some of the same concerns, and that's how I'd like to be confronted about it if it were me. Also, if it were me, doing any of the above would have gone a long way to earn both my trust, my respect and my friendship.

Of course, there is always another option and it's naturally also the "safest": Let the whole thing run its course and enjoy the feelings of mutual attraction and mystery until it quiets down and wears off. Don't say anything to her and maybe not even to your husband, but exhaust all your fantasies during sex with him (if you're a sexually active couple) and/or with yourself, watch lesbian movies and TV shows and porn until you're so fed up orgasming over fantasies about her that you're basically... satisfied. Downside is, you'll always have the "what if..."

 

Plaidglove is very wise. Except for, "fed up over orgasming". What planet are you from?!

If none of her suggestions work, you can try thinking about this:

She picks her nose in bed and only bathes the third Tuesday of every month.

Charming, eh?

 

A workplace romance of any sort, gay or straight, is a dangerous game. "Awkward" could be quite the understatement. Be very careful, especially since you are married. I have no idea what the dynamic of your workplace is, but if things don't go the way you dream they will, it could turn into a nightmare. Let on that something is going on between the two of you and you will see a another side of your coworkers you never knew existed. Trust me. I know. Look. Don't give up hope. Follow your dreams. But he very careful in the workplace where things are viewed through a much different lens.

 

^^ Same.

I also agree with Patagonia to be careful in the work place. Even if she is a lesbian, and you feel like she might be into you, if you tell her this info and she's not, things will go south so quickly. As someone who repeatedly told themselves that they'd be fine with whatever answer their crush had once I divulged my feelings, I wasn't. My situation is different from yours because we had a relationship, even if it wasn't entirely romantic, but I wasn't as okay with her answer as I thought I would be. And then things became incredibly awkward, NOT EVEN having to be together on a daily basis. I can't imagine telling her how I felt, even innocently, and then having to see her everyday until...whenever. I imagine there's a tier in hell comparative to that, lol.

If you did want to talk to her about it in some way, and I only suggest this if you guys are friends or good friends, I'd remix what PlaidGlove says, and ask her advice on starting to have feelings for women. This seems like dangerous territory for you, though. If you really do believe she has interest in you, and you're interested in her but don't want to cheat on your husband, I don't know what the point would be. I only see a situation like this escalating into a place you say you're not trying to go.

Maybe try to become better friends with her, and it could help you to figure out what you want?

 

Hi Soulstone!

I had a similar situation and I didn't handle it very well. I ended up declaring my feelings to this woman and she didn't feel the same. REJECTION! I couldn't talk about it to anyone except a friend who pretty much told me I need to be gentle and patient with myself. I tried just accepting that I was really into this person, that I wanted to be intimate with her, and allowed myself to fantasize/daydream about her until the feelings just leveled out. Listened to alot of Kenny Rogers, besteadwell, and The Internet to help me cry, fantasize, you name it! I still desire her but not as much as before. And I have an easier time around her now and can better see her flaws which also helps dampen the fire! Amazing things happen I turn towards and embrace my feelings---something I'm practicing because it's not in my nature to do this!

 

Workplace crushes are BAAAAD. You could very well take the honest approach and then ser boundaries. Give yourself and her space. If things go south, it wont be fun for you. And it can ruin your relationship with your career. It happened to me for a while and the only way i started liking my job again was when she was transfered out of the office. Good luck! Let us know what you decide

 

OK, so "fed up over orgasming" was meant a little tongue-in-cheek.

I think what level of "baaaaad" your workplace crush is depends on your workplace and also on your dynamics with other coworkers.

Try to think about the consequences; your job is not the place for throwing caution to the wind.

 

HI Soulstone
Good strategy! Workplace romances are ripe for disaster. Better to remain friendly, maybe more can develop over time. At the least, she can be a suppotive friend.

 

Always a good fallback plan - acting like a normal human being.