It's his birthday today. The guy I was in love with. The guy who told me he could not imagine his life without me in it. The last time we were together, he said he wanted to marry me. But then his wife inadvertently found gchat messages. Not enough to prove we were having an affair, but enough for her to suspect, confront him, and for him to completely shut me out. I understand. It was his first time. He's younger. His kids are very young. It's been 7 months. He has totally ceased all communication with me and even told a mutual gay married friend that he has no intention of every being contact again. When I finally came out to my wife, she brought him up. She told me she knew I had fallen in love with him. Told me she saw it in the deep depression I sank into after things went south on his side. I wish I knew what the lesson is. The irony is that when my wife tells me I cannot possibly understand what it's like to have the person you love betray you, I cannot tell her that I DO understand the anguish because I lost him completely. But she obviously wouldn't see the parallel. This is the part where I wish again for the 10000000000000000th time that there was just a pill or a shot to make me straight. I just want to be straight and go back to my looks-perfect-from-the-outside-heteronormative-suburban-life.
This is very sad, but at least the lesson is relatively simple yet profound. You are able to love a man deeply. This is not a common occurrence, and not for the faint-of-heart. You had the courage to love, to be vulnerable, and yes, you got hurt, but this is an occasion for joy, you loved someone for the time you had together, draw the lessons that you must about meeting and falling in love with deeply closeted and committed people, but do understand, that kind of love is rare. You never did possess him, so what in fact did you lose? Appreciate that this happened at all, and know that you can love again!
Originally Posted by greatwhale View Post "This is very sad, but at least the lesson is relatively simple yet profound. You are able to love a man deeply. This is not a common occurrence, and not for the faint-of-heart. You had the courage to love, to be vulnerable, and yes, you got hurt, but this is an occasion for joy, you loved someone for the time you had together, draw the lessons that you must about meeting and falling in love with deeply closeted and committed people, but do understand, that kind of love is rare." You never did possess him, so what in fact did you lose? Appreciate that this happened at all, and know that you can love again!" Thank you for your response. I really needed to see this today. Yes, that kind of love is rare. I told him that from the beginning. That what we had just doesn't happen in the parallel universe. And though I know I never did possess him, I'm trying to be grateful through the visceral pain of missing him.
You had such strong and unique feelings for this man. Now imagine if you had similar feelings for someone else but instead you were free to pursue them openly. No hiding every interaction, no wondering if you would get caught. I hope that doesn't sound judgmental, I am the last who is worthy to judge. I only say it to draw your attention to how much MORE joyous finding a bond like that with someone else could be. Hang in there, there is hope.
