it's almost like hearing yourself talk into a fan like you did when your were a kid you sounded like a robot or a space alien talking with other guys this story is universal we always knew i did when i was 4 childhood or adolescent exploration with cousins or friends surreptitious glances in the locker room or at the trough urinals maybe a clandestine encounter or two in college always always the terror of labels and exposure and then marriage kids jobs grown-up lives we were able to keep it all bottled up in a jar on a shelf until our early 30s because for guys like us there wasn't acceptance or options like there are now I once wrote about marriage equality and me it's like being 25 years into a straight screenplay and suddenly having the option of an alternate ending on page 204 that you couldn't have imagined when you started writing the script but no regrets you cannot let yourself go there because that would mean negating your wife your kids this amazing life that you have together but the universal story something vital is missing so yahoo groups craigslist hookup apps dangerous risky soul-killing no strings attached anonymous encounters perhaps a couple of guys that you stay in touch with who become real friends you can count on them their story is yours they help you keep the monster in check then in your early 40s it slams you to the pavement raw bloody acute road rash on your soul eating from the inside like a giant maggot gnawing constantly darkness emptiness longing guilt oh my god what have you done torn between two worlds the real one and the parallel one on the pages of the universal story where your true self resides
What I can I say. So raw, So true. But why does it happen to us at 40(ish), when we can just about keep it bottled up until then.
Your poetry is amazing. I don't have the same life experience at all, but was drawn into a feeling just based on your prose. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing such beautiful and vulnerable words. I hope it feels cathartic to write it all out. In some ways it's cathartic to read, because so much of it touches on things I feel. Hugs to you.
It seems that you have pretty much described my life, right down to the ages when it all blows up. I am living the sequel, I hope you get there too! Powerful stuff, these words...
Powerful stuff, Taxodium. You're making progress... cathartic, gut-wrenching progress. Hang in there and keep pushing forward. It gets better.
Wow, so insightful, heartfelt and true. I experienced and still experiencing so many of the emotions attached to your post....Grrrr...today it's anger...
Universal, indeed. I could have written this myself. I'm out of my panic room of a closet and on my own. I am still haunted. As one writer said, "I'm a red balloon tied to a rock."