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the universal story

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TAXODIUM, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. TAXODIUM

    Regular Member

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    it's almost like 
hearing yourself talk into a fan
 like you did 
when 
your were a kid

    you sounded like 
a robot or a space alien
    talking with 
other guys

    this story is
 universal 

    we always knew 

    i did when 
i was 4 

    childhood or adolescent exploration with cousins or friends 
surreptitious glances in the locker room or at the trough urinals 
maybe 
a clandestine encounter or two in college 
always 
always 
the terror 
of labels and exposure
    and then
    
marriage

    kids

    jobs

    grown-up lives

    we were able to keep it 
all bottled up 
in a jar 
on a shelf 
until our early 30s
    
because for guys like us

    there wasn't 
acceptance 
or 
options 
like there are 
now
    I once wrote about
    marriage equality and me

    it's like being 25 years into a straight screenplay and suddenly having the option of an alternate ending on page 204 that you couldn't have imagined when you started writing the script
    but
    no regrets 

    you cannot 
let yourself go 
there
    because that 
would mean 
negating
 your wife your kids this amazing life that you have 
together
    but
    the 
universal story 

    something vital 
is missing 
so

    yahoo groups craigslist hookup apps

    dangerous risky soul-killing no strings attached anonymous encounters
    perhaps 
a couple of guys that you stay in touch with
    who become 
real friends

    you 
can count on them

    their 
story is yours

    they 
help you keep the monster in check

    then
    in your early 40s 
it slams you 
to the pavement

    raw bloody acute road rash on your soul 
eating from the inside like a giant maggot 
gnawing constantly
    
darkness
 emptiness 
longing
 guilt
    
oh my god 
what 
have you done
    torn 
between two worlds

    the real one

    and 
the parallel one

    on the pages of the 
universal story

    where your 
true self 
resides
     
  2. TaraDZ

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    That was...no words. Just nice to read that raw truth.
     
  3. cheaterdad

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    I'm there, and it hurts! No words to describe the pit in the soul where your dignity used to reside.
     
  4. TravelerMe

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    Amazing. Right there with you feeling every word of this.
     
  5. MLArmageddon

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    What I can I say. So raw, So true. But why does it happen to us at 40(ish), when we can just about keep it bottled up until then.
     
  6. Adray

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    Your poetry is amazing. I don't have the same life experience at all, but was drawn into a feeling just based on your prose. Thanks for sharing.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks for sharing such beautiful and vulnerable words. I hope it feels cathartic to write it all out. In some ways it's cathartic to read, because so much of it touches on things I feel.

    Hugs to you.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    It seems that you have pretty much described my life, right down to the ages when it all blows up.

    I am living the sequel, I hope you get there too!

    Powerful stuff, these words...
     
  9. JohnnyWisdom

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    Powerful stuff, Taxodium. You're making progress... cathartic, gut-wrenching progress. Hang in there and keep pushing forward. It gets better.
     
  10. Louie1

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    Wow, so insightful, heartfelt and true. I experienced and still experiencing so many of the emotions attached to your post....Grrrr...today it's anger...
     
  11. tscott

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    Universal, indeed. I could have written this myself. I'm out of my panic room of a closet and on my own. I am still haunted. As one writer said, "I'm a red balloon tied to a rock."
     
  12. ssxElise

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    Powerful - raw - and so true.
    Thank you for sharing