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Codependency in marriage

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. nerdbrain

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    I had a bit of an epiphany over the holidays and I thought I'd share and see if it resonates with anyone.

    I've been separated from my wife now for over a year, but we still chat constantly and see each other almost once a week. My strong feelings for her are a major reason I'm having trouble fully accepting that I'm gay.

    It occurred to me that maybe what I feel for my wife isn't love -- in the grown-up, mature sense. Maybe it's a kind of codependence. Sometimes I think I see her as sort of a mother figure, who I cling to for reassurance. And other times I just want to protect her and take care of her, as if she can't do it herself.

    When I think about ending the relationship I feel a sense of overwhelming pain and loss, like I can't go on without her, even though logically I know I would be OK. I also feel tremendous guilt for hurting her and wasting years of her life.

    But I guess what I'm saying is that maybe my whole relational approach to women, and my wife specifically, is based on a kind of childish codependency. Maybe the only way for me to have grown-up relationships is with men...

    Anyone relate?
     
  2. TAXODIUM

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    Oh. Wow. You perfectly articulated many things that have crossed my mind as I began this journey. For now, my wife and I are still together and trying to make things work. It seems that we are an emotional merry go-round, however, because we alternately end up taking care of each other on the bad days.
     
  3. nerdbrain

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    It's interesting that you describe yourself as functionally bi but basically gay. That's probably a good description of me, too.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Maybe it's codependency, maybe it's the fear of being on your own and only having yourself to contemplate thing a with? I always had fears of being alone for as long as I can remember. It was a residual of my previously low self esteem and low confidence.

    It was not until after I came out and I left the family home that I confronted those fears and got comfortable being by myself, and just being with my own thoughts.
     
  5. Bibliovian

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    I relate so much to your narration! I am in the final stages of my divorce, but I talk to my soon to be ex-husband daily. We still ask what we did today, tell each other funny anecdotes about work, come to each other with problems and for advice...

    I've recently really started to look at those boundaries, and where I need to distance myself for his sake. We've both dated other people, and at some point we are going to need to be independent of each other to establish healthy sexual partnerships. But I also feel that guilt of wasting his time. I don't think I could add abandonment to it.

    My theory has always been that this is the path of least resistance. We never had a really intimate relationship. I had been with him since I was 18. This is the reality I know, and I figure I'm weaning myself off of the support people bring to a long term relationship/marriage. But at the end of this, I still hope he and I will remain friends. There's too much history there.
     
  6. MissPiggie

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    I wonder if she feels the same sense of emotional reliance towards you? If so, that's seems like a healthy emotional bond for married folks, no? Do you think you can be happy with being connected to her but not married? I'm experiencing something similar with my partner. I'm not willing or ready to call quits on the marriage. It seems a far way off. But, I know they are a great source of support and stability for me, and I don't want to lose that.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    The OP describes co-dependency pretty well, however, I find it useful to provide a comprehensive definition here for clarity.

    Without boundaries, the enabler, the one whose happiness depends on making the co-dependent partner happy, tends to lose his or herself, they forget who they are and what their preferences are (a perfect way to stay closeted). Constant compromise and constantly cleaning up the messes left by the partner are hallmark signs of this unhealthy relationship situation.

    A classic manipulation used against the co-dependent enabler is the phrase "if you loved me you would...", it is pernicious and confuses loving care given voluntarily and with intention with the kind of exhausting emotional blackmail all too common in these dysfunctional situations.

    Looking back on my own marriage, this insane pattern is crystal-clear. Even today, I still feel a sense of responsibility for taking care of her (it's called alimony now...).
     
  8. CameOutSwinging

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    Wow, reading that link Great Whale posted...I check off every damn thing on that "are you co-dependent?" list.

    Oye.
     
  9. rachael1954

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    Yeah, I can relate. I feel enormous guilt and pity for my husb, who married an adoring devoted semi-slave, and for 20 years we functioned (as highly codependent apparently) and now I'm a selfish monster.

    Does your wife lay the guilt on you? Or is it all self-imposed. My guilt comes from the spouse and myself, though I have enough of it myself without him adding to it.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    It would be helpful if we could be kinder to ourselves as well as with our partners.

    Look at it this way: two people, essentially two strangers (to each other and often to themselves), have gotten together to build this complicated and complex contraption called a marriage, or a partnership. Most of us went into it with some vague notion of what a marriage is supposed to be, usually modeled on our parent's less-than-perfect unions, and often without even that if we grew up in a single-parent home.

    We entered into our unions with the notion that we were in love with the person who was willing to join us. We called those feelings love, without ever knowing what it could be with those more suited to our (often mysterious) orientations.

    Time to forgive, and to be forgiven. Without forgiveness the burden of our pasts will poison our futures.
     
  11. Shadowsylke

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    Yeah, listen to Greatwhale here. You guys have got to get rid of the guilt. I understand it, because I had it too, but believe me, it will absolutely kill you.
     
  12. nerdbrain

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    In my case it's mostly self-imposed. Sometimes I just get down on myself for making a promise (the lifetime relationship) that I won't be able to keep. But I'm having a lot more clarity now, or at least realizing that beating myself up is pointless.

    The funny thing is that my wife is actually quite an independent person, and doesn't really need to be coddled. She just came back from a 2-week solo motorcycle trip across Australia.

    When we met over five years ago, she was in a pretty different emotional place due to a major health issue. I think she was scared and needed reassurance in life. I responded to that -- the mutual caretaking. But now I don't think either of us really need it anymore.
     
    #12 nerdbrain, Jan 5, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2016
  13. LonelyHiker

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    Can so associate with this, I spent the whole evening with my wife both in tears me trying to say I'm gay but instead telling her how great she is as a mother and wife despite our pains and disagreements. Why, because I feel such guilt at the fact that i should be glad for what I have and not thinking i should be with another man. The elephant in the room.
     
  14. BimarriedMike

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    I get where you are coming from and it sounds like co-dependency to me. It is a difficult situation rooted in early childhood pain and patterns.

    I don't think there's any reason to believe you would act differently with men...it is a learned behavior and affects all relationships. And if you aren't recovered from co-d, you will likely make the same mistakes with your next choice.

    Just a few random thought.
     
  15. TAXODIUM

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    I have had this exact conversation and feel the exact same way. I hope it helps in some way to know that you are NOT alone.
     
  16. CameOutSwinging

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    That's the thing right now. I for one don't feel like I'm beating myself up for being co-dependent, I'm more just recognizing that it is very much me in a nutshell and now I want to start working on NOT being that way anymore. I almost have no idea where to even begin. This will make for a fun therapy session tonight!
     
  17. BimarriedMike

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    You could try CODA (CoDependents Anonymous). How'd your therapy session go?
     
  18. cheaterdad

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    I definitely have a codependency relationship with my wife, we each feed off of the others strength and weaknesses. Even in the care we provide for our children, well especially with the kids. If I am too tired to get the midnight checks she does it and vice versa.
     
  19. CameOutSwinging

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    It went pretty well, actually. :slight_smile:
     
  20. amomwhoknows

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    You may be in a co-dependent relationship, but the example you gave is not a sign of co-dependency, IMO. Rather, it is an example of a good, healthy parenting relationship.

    Sometimes, the lines get blurred, but your example is one that most couples would/should aspire to.