Working for balance... and fast changes

I feel like things are starting to happen all at once, in terms of self-understanding and growth.

One things that I didn't do well while I was deeply closeted was seeking balance in my life. I really focused on interacting with the world in only one way, but that isn't enough, never was enough. I need social interaction, I need sexual interaction, I need more than just books and that kind of thing. It is frustrating sometimes dealing with real life people, but maybe that's just the way it goes. Sometimes I don't like them or understand them, and sometimes the problem is me. But at least I'm finally getting that, and maybe I'll even start to build brand new relationships and repair relationships from before. Also, at least now I'm starting to understand that sex isn't something to be afraid of or ashamed of. It isn't this secretive transaction that is never to be thought of, let alone discussed. It can be a great thing.

The exciting part of all this is finally learning. Before, especially while I was in school, it always felt like 90% of my brain was devoted to trying to screw up my sexuality, to contort it into something it isn't. I didn't have any space left to think and to learn and to mess up and to grow. But now it feels like I do, and that's actually a really good feeling. Yes, I wish it had all happened much, much sooner, but I'm also very grateful that it's happening now. I sort of have this learning to-do list, and if I ever do get to go back to school, I will want to do it better than the last time (a very expensive near-failure).

I want another chance.