Good day all, I'm new to the forum and wanted to introduce myself (somewhat). I'm a thirty-odd, married, woman of color, who recently admitted to herself that she's queer or non-exclusive or bisexual...or any label that means I'm not "straight." I also don't have children. I'm pursuing a doctorate at a highly ranked research university that stresses perfection--this doesn't help my already present anxiety and tendency towards perfectionism. Like all of you, this discovery period is quite stressful and there's much to manage in terms of expectations, performance, and being accountable to folks who have no idea the type of stress I'm under. I'm doing my best to manage these feelings---they ebb and flow. I have periods in which the desire to be connected emotionally and physically with a woman is so intense that I become distracted, insular, and sometimes depressed. I have a supportive partner who doesn't want to know much of my internal processing but is willing to give me the space to "explore" when I'm ready and after I've figured out what I truly want. I'm doing my best to manage their feelings, mine, and trying not to be "messy"--ungentle, without compassion for all who this affects (myself included---though I care for others more than I tend to my own needs), and not potentially burning bridges by being impulsive, too open, and burdening my close friends. I've already lost one friendship with a woman who I felt particularly close to, who identifies as queer, but couldn't hold my "coming out" and her issues at the same time. I have loving friends who say they'll be there but who have also stated clearly that they have certain boundaries with engaging me through this process. This is all healthy on their part, I suppose. Self-care, right? I currently don't have a physical community or support group and decided to join this forum after doing a simple Google search. My partner has a highly visible position at a prestigious organization and I'm afraid of being recognized by anyone who may know them outside of the small circle of people who know what we're going through. Anyway, I hope to learn and share in this space without feeling limited or constrained by all the external stuff that makes this process difficult. Thanks for reading and I look forward to having healthy exchanges with you. Snort, Miss Piggie
Good Morning- I hope you find what you're looking for here! I'm glad you have a semi-supportive network although I hope the boundaries that have been implemented still allow you to journey and discover what you need to. Hopefully this group here can help where they might not be able to.
Thanks for those kind words, Bibliovian. I'm learning I have to take most of this journey alone. I realize it was very PollyAnna of me to expect folks--mostly queer friends-- to be onboard to a large extent.
Miss Piggy, I am a 54 year old lesbian who hopefully can offer you some wise advice. Please take it for what it's worth. You started out stating that you were married, so my assumption is that your "partner" is your husband. Whether your interest is in another woman or a man, I think that it's a breach of your marriage. Pursuing a doctorate is not an easy thing, so I imagine you must be under a great amount of pressure at this time. Honestly, I feel that you should focus your energy right now on your education and obtaining your goals towards this first. After that, if you continue to feel attraction towards any specific woman (or man), work on your marriage and/or seek marriage counseling first if you feel that your marriage is worth saving. If for some reason your marriage doesn't work out, then you'll be free to pursue dating and exploring a relationship with someone else (man or woman) and able to do so with a clear conscience and your integrity in tact. Just my opinion.... ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2016 at 11:28 AM ---------- p.s. I wanted to add something else.... In a response to someone's reply, you wrote - "I realize it was very PollyAnna of me to expect folks--mostly queer friends-- to be onboard to a large extent." I thought this was interesting. Several years ago one of my sisters, who is straight, was having problems in her marriage. Her husband had previously had an affair and there were other things going on. They separated for a few weeks, with my sister moving out of the house. During that separation, they were trying to work on their relationship. Also, at the same time, an old friend of my sister's was in town for a visit. Her friend was a guy she had known for years. They had danced ballet together many years before and he confessed to her that he had always been in love with her. She tells me this over lunch and then proceeds to ask me if she should go out with him and become involved intimately with him. I think she felt that because I was gay that I would be more open to this and give her my blessing. To her surprise, I didn't. I felt that even if she was separated at that time and trying to work on things with her husband, and even if he had previously had an affair, that it didn't give her the right to do this as well. I'm glad you understand that just because someone may have a specific sexuality that it doesn't mean their moral compass steers towards a certain direction. And....I should add in closing, my sister and her husband did work on things and their marriage is stronger today than it ever has been.
Hi Miss Piggy! Welcome to this place. I have found it to be an overall warm and welcoming community and it has been very helpful for me to have this place to talk through things I cant/won't talk through with people I know face to face. I hope you find that here too. I noticed that in your original message you said you have a supportive partner who is willing to give you space to explore. Marriage is a really personal thing and comes in lots of shapes and sizes. Obviously anything you and your partner agree to would not be considered a "breech" and mostly I find here that people are open to discussion about stuff many would consider a "breech." These things happen. (Though I didn't get from your post that this was part of your situation. ) I also noticed that you are putting a lot of energy into handling this extremely stressful time in your life with openness, and while trying to be gentle with others and respecting the boundaries other have. This is so very commendable. I work toward the same things and it's hard. I noticed that one of the other comments suggested focusing on education and if this not-straight stuff is still there then, to focus on it then. I think this idea of "do other things and maybe the not-staight will go away" is SUCH a tempting way to go for all of us and I think it is very often a mistake to try to tuck it away for a while. If your heart and soul are saying to you "we are going to start dealing with this now!" then listen. It sounds like you have been listening to yourself even though it us stressful and painful to do so. That's GOOD HARD WORTHWHILE stuff there. Big warm welcoming hugs to you if you want them.
I totally agree with Yeehaw! Do what feels right to you! We'll help have a dialogue if you need it. You're likely to find others in similar situations or with encouraging ears. I started exploring my sexuality while in grad school. I'm sure you're feeling stretched to the gills. Hopefully we can be of assistance.
