Came out to a trusted cousin

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share something that happened over my Christmas holiday. We celebrated a family Christmas over the New Year weekend with my aunts, uncles and cousins who live a number of hours from me. I've always gotten along with them (most of them are pretty progressive in terms of religion and politics).

Anyway, my one cousin in particular always seeks me out at family events. We usually talk late into the night about philosophical issues, relationships, our lives, etc. She is recently engaged to her boyfriend (she was the one who proposed to him!)--and they will be married this coming summer.

We were on a walk to Starbucks when the topic of LGBT relationships came up (and I can't remember exactly how). I then told her I identified as bisexual, even though I have never had a romantic relationship with a woman.

She seemed a little surprised, but not in any way disgusted. She told me she had a friend who was in a poly relationship and asked if I would ever consider doing something like that if I met a girl and if my husband was ok with it. I was surprised at how open-minded she was and it was such a relief. I hadn't planned on telling her but I really feel good now that it's happened. We only see each other about twice a year, but I've always trusted her.

Meanwhile, I was discussing the notion of open marriages --in a general sense-- with my best friend/crush and she was pretty negative about it. She said she's open to people doing what they want sexually, but that in her view, if you're happy in your marriage, you won't be seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere. She said that, ultimately, sex isn't really the point of life, anyway, and that spiritually-evolving people will see it as 'been there, done that' and not invest so much meaning into it over time. She also said that, in her view, some poly people are poly just to seem more 'spiritual' and 'open-minded' than the 'average person', and to her, that was narcissistic.

So, I've got a lot to think about. I have to admit to being intrigued by the idea of a limited open marriage so as to explore my bi side, but I also don't want to hurt my husband, and I'm wondering if my friend has a more realistic take on what might be fueling this desire in me. I just wish I felt comfortable talking to her about my actual feelings, but I have a feeling I'd get shot down.

 

Yes, my husband knows. He is understanding and pretty open-minded, even though he was raised in a conservative Catholic household. He doesn't mind that I'm bi, but he doesn't want me to end up leaving him for a woman. Even though he's open-minded about things, he doesn't think that deeply about most issues, and I don't think he'd ever thought of anything about LGBT issues before I told him I was bi. I think an open marriage might be too much for him to deal with, emotionally. Now, I'm just thinking about it in more of a theoretical way, or in fantasy.

As for my best friend and her take on things, she's quite domineering in 'telling it like it is' (to her) and doesn't take well to disagreement. For that reason, I didn't challenge her on this. She's been mostly happily married for about 11 years now and is straight, with one girl crush to her name (not on me). So, I don't think she inherently understands the sorts of things I'm feeling, anyway. I've had crushes on women since childhood. Then, there is the added issue that I used to have a big crush on her.

My cousin (also straight) seems much more willing to have a conversation with me about my feelings being bi. As much as we have always gotten along, I never would have thought she'd be so blase about me admitting something like that to her. It opened the door to me feeling that I have at least one person in my everyday life who isn't judgmental about some of the ideas I'm thinking about right now.