Came out to husband

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, it sounds like a lot to have to deal with.

I mean this in a positive loving way, but have you thought of seeing a professional (A therapist)? I'm sure if you found the right one, he or she could help with communication on the subject?

 

You just took a big step - perhaps the biggest - but its just one step on your journey. The questions you have cannot be settled in a day, or a week or month. It will take time. It will involve some tough decisions. But don't be afraid of your dreams. Don't be afraid of your feelings. What he's telling you now sounds like wishful thinking on his part. He's hoping you will wake up one day and realize this is not at all what you want. I guess the one thing that concerns me is how quick he is to agree to live as nothing more than roommates. Is this really much of a change from the way things have been?

 

Hi Athena33,

I don't think this has to be your life. Maybe if both your sex drives were so low, it didn't matter your sexuality but even then I'm not sure it would be particularly fulfilling.

Would your husband look at this site? Straight Spouse Network |. Others have mentioned that it's very helpful. I don't have a spouse but maybe if you had a look at it to see if anyone is talking about situations similar to yours, he'd start to see a different possible future than that dismal one he envisions now.

You don't have anything wrong with you chemically. I think he's just grasping at straws there. He just needs time and I think the site above will help him process sooner rather than later. And, of course, live therapy would be helpful, if possible.

 

I'm sorry to hear that he thinks nothing needs to change. This sounds like denial, I think. Have you been able to tell him that things need to change for you? Does he still dismiss the situation? Your feelings?

I wonder if going to that site and finding something that directly reflects your situation, printing it out and asking him to read it so you can discuss it might prod him. I think you'll have to be firm that there is something to talk about.

What does your therapist advise?

 

As for him, sounds like it is a financial arrangement. Not much else. As for the kids, talk to your therapist about age-appropriate strategies to make things as positive for them as possible. Think about it this way. What's better for a child? A mom who is happy because she is free to live life on her terms or one who is depressed, alone in a marriage without real intimacy? As for you and your ticking clock, I would DIE to be 42 again. This business that its all over after you're 25 and you're still not happily married is a scam by the diamond ring dealers and catering halls. No wonder over half the marriages in america never make to the "death do you part" part. Don't be afraid to be happy.

 

This is your life indefinately if you chose it to be. It's up to you though, even if he doesn't agree. And as others pointed out, you don't have to decide now. It's a big decision.

And yes, you came out to him even if he doesn't believe you. You put it out there for him. It counts regardless of how he responds! It might not feel how you expected it to feel (possibly because he didn't acknowledge your perspective or experience AT ALL). Fortunately you are not defined by him. You are defined by you.

You referred to him as your best friend. I truly think he's falling down on the best-friend job in the way he has reacted to you telling him you are gay. It sounds like he's making no effort to understand, sympathize or empathize with your perspective on this. Not cool. And I think actually greatly reduces the chances of you and him finding a way to stay together that isn't absolutely muserable--I think you would have more to work with relationship-wise if he was actually being a friend to you through this.