1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

married to man, now questioning sexuality????

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jvogt, Jan 5, 2016.

  1. Jvogt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2016
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi guys!

    This is my first time posting on here, please be kind.
    So, I guess I will give you a little background to my story. Married at 23, identified as bisexual (not openly... just to close friends) since around 20. I am 29 now and have been questioning for about four months as to whether I am actually gay. I didn't meet anyone that triggered this... I have just been having stronger feelings about it lately. I told my husband how I was feeling around Halloween after talking to a close friend about it. He actually took it really well and wants to help me through this.

    The thing is... we are also now going through a completely separate but just as big issue... For the past year or so my husband and I have been having issues with his spending. I would find extra paypal accounts and extra credit cards (his credit is AWFUL) under his name. It was the same thing every time "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say... I feel ashamed" blah blah blah. Well, within the past few weeks I have found out that he also had cards open under my social security number and had been stealing computer parts from work to sell them. He has a legitimate shopping addiction and we are trying to get through that...

    What does that have to do with my situation? Well, first... I have kind of put off figuring myself out to deal with everything else going on in my life. And second... The more crap like this that he pulls the more I feel like I want out. So, I don't know if I am feeling this way because our marriage isn't great and I shouldn't be with that man, or because I shouldn't be with any men. I really do love him and want to help him, but I'm not sure if I'm IN love with him.

    I know none of you can answer any of these questions... I just wanted to know if anyone has has a similar experience and how did they navigate through it? He suggested taking a break so I can figure myself out... but I don't even know how to do that. We are going to get another bed and maybe I'll start sleeping in it. I'm also scared because I KNOW I can't survive financially on my own (even though I have two degrees and he doesn't have any... he makes more than me... big surprise).

    Thanks in advance for any feedback anyone can give me!
     
  2. Zen fix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2015
    Messages:
    694
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sorry to hear about your tough situation. My knee-jerk reaction is to say get out of this relationship asap. Of course I understand that these things are complicated and it's very easy for someone on the outside to say that. But this addiction of his is going to make life very difficult for you. Unless he's making some changes now it is just going to get worse. Have you spoken with a lawyer? I think you should so you know what your options are and how to protect yourself.

    You are still young, educated. You can recover from this and find someone less destructive. Again I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

    I'm not sure that being dissatisfied with your husband would make you lean more towards women. But, maybe. For many of us women represent safety, compassion, etc. In your current situation perhaps you need more of this and since you are already bi it isn't a stretch to prefer women. Just a thought.
     
  3. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    I'm assuming you have joint bank accounts. The first thing I would do is go to the bank and open my own account and move at least half, if not more, of the money over. He may not be a child but he handles his money no better than a child. This has to stop or you'll have nothing! (Cutting up his credit cards, if you can, would be good, too.)

    Sorry if that seems heartless but his obviously uncontrollable behaviour would scare me no end, if this were me.

    Do you have a job now? Can you go to your manager and tell them you're looking to advance and are interested in any opportunities for new projects or training or...? There's always a way to take advantage of where you are and if not, with your education, you will be at an advantage when looking elsewhere.

    Try not to conflate your two issues. Your husband needs professional help with his addiction. You just need to set things up so you're protected from its effects. Take the time it seems your husband is giving you so you can "find" your sexuality. Or let it find you. Either way, take time for yourself.
     
  4. Bibliovian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2015
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    We have very similar origin stories save for the intensity of your husband's spending issue. But I agree with Really in that you should try not to entangle the two issues. You are completely free to get out of your marriage for either of these reasons or work through them if that is your perrogative

    I got out of my marriage when I came out in February but in hindsight, I had a lot of issues in the marriage as well. I suppose all marriages have concerns. I don't know... But at a point I had to stop and consider if I left under false pretenses, but then the idea of having intimate relationships with a man after now experiencing alternatives....yeah...pass.

    But sometimes I do consider if I took the "easy door out" by leaving for a reason that he had no ability to ask for a second chance. Even if I had been in a sexually fitting relationship, we probably would have ended for other reasons.

    I think it best to figure out both of those outcomes individually. But be careful. You're married and his credit, especially if you have shared expenses, really impacts you. I would take the first step to making yourself financially safe, no matter what the other outcomes.

    Run your credit report, close any accounts not established by you, and get separate accounts. If you decide to take action on the sexuality front, or the divorce for the addiction issues front, keep us updated. I'd love to help if possible. Best of luck! (*hug*)
     
  5. Jvogt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2016
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thought I would update you guys on what has happened since I posted.
    Thanks for the feedback by the way, it was super helpful!

    I started sleeping in my own bed just after Christmas and since then I have been pulling further and further away. My best friend's mother is a divorce attorney, so I met with her a while back and went over my options. I also gave her all the information she needed to file for separation or divorce if I needed her to. I was truly considering staying and trying to work it out... then I would think "well what if he gets better but then does this again down the road?" By then we could have kids and it would be even more complicated. I was on the fence and didn't know what to do and he really seemed to be trying... then I caught him in another lie... and another... The last straw was the dumbest lie ever! He lied about bringing a tape gun home from work... who the hell lies about a tape gun?! That's when I knew that I could never trust him again
    I filed for a separation about a month ago and I think the papers will be ready to sign next week. I didn't want to do divorce because we had already been talking about a separation, so it wouldn't be a huge surprise to him. I don't want to give him any reason to pull any more shit. Once he is out of the house and completely gone I will then change the separation to divorce.
    I haven't really done anything about my sexuality as all of this is just too much on its own. I have been watching a lot of lesbian youtube channels and now I'm a little obsessed.
    Every day is different and every day I tell myself that I will be happier for it in the end. Now I'm just looking for two roommates to help with rent once he's gone.

    Thanks again for your kind words of support!
     
  6. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    Glad to hear you're moving forward! Good luck on the roommate front. :]