Confusion and Anxiety

Hello,

I posted my first story in the orientation forum under Married and Confused, but I was encouraged to join this forum considering my age and situation.

I will try my best to be brief and to the point, but this is a long story. My attractions toward guys came up when younger, probably in grade school. Looking back my first sexual encounter was with a friend (guy) in middle school. We continued to meet once in a while until we were 17. I feel that my life really took a turn when I was 15 - was being very open sexually and tried to be with another friend. Even though this was not he first time he freaked out and hit me in the face. Then, a couple weeks later he decided to threaten me and then started calling me a fag to the rest of the high school. This was very traumatic given my age of 15 and considering my parents had just divorced as well. The rest of my high school years were spent doing just fine and trying my best to be with girls and also show everyone that I was not gay.

On to college, considering what happened in High School I made damn sure nothing would get out in college. After all I was in a fraternity. I hid my sexual feelings with all but a couple of guys who had similar feelings. Of course we kept it all hush hush. However, I found myself wanting to kiss these guys and take it further and it seemed they just wanted to mess around. Also, dated a couple girls in college and really liked being with them. Not near the fireworks though sexually when with a girl. Overall, I considered myself Bi. College was fun, full of drinking and having fun. Complete non-reality I came to find out after graduating.

After college it seemed my gay feelings started to get stronger. I would sometimes slip away from friends after drinking and would hit the gay porn, which was exciting. However, this would end the next day with a hangover and massive shame. I would swear I would never look at gay porn again only to do it a couple months later. This pattern went on and on. During this time I also dated a girl for about a year, then got back together with one of my best friends, who also turned out to be my wife and the mother of my children.

I ended up making a move to a new city and found myself very happy. However, those urges to look at porn and be with a guy would return only to be shamed and ignored by yours truly. Regardless, I ended up in a new town with old friends. It was like college over again. I also found myself reunited with a friend (guy) who made me crazy. I now realize I was madly in love with him. I still think of him to this day. I ended up getting married, having kids and moving to the burbs. All this time my wife did not know about my attractions to guys and it seems those attractions were not going away.

On to the present - anxiety released after an almost plane crash in 2007. Managed the best I could. After my kids were born my anxiety started to creep up on other areas. Finally, in 2012 I had a panic attack. Slowly got better but that event was a game changer. Then my Mom passed away in 2012. She was an alcoholic and I found her deceased at her house. Her struggles weighed on me for 10 plus years. Anxiety increased and I found myself wondering if I was gay. But, I had just lost my Mom and now I was about to lose my kids and wife whom I loved with all my heart? Bet your ass life was telling me that. So, I told my wife about my past, my porn, etc. She said she did not care at all about that as long as I wanted to be with her. Not that simple.

Here we are 3 years later and moving towards a separation. It's the only option we have left considering the fact my anxiety and worry seems to be getting worse. Additionally, it seems we have been unable to move beyond the fact that I may be gay. I understand her and love her. I am way dependent on my family's support. I am terrified of exploring my sexuality and being away from my family.

My questions for those who made it this far in my long winded post, from my description of me, do you think I am gay? Also, do you think my anxiety, worry, loss of interest in life, and overall anger is due to my internalized homophobia? I have always supported LGBT people, but it seems I have a hell of a time supporting myself. Lastly, I look at gay porn a lot, but it still makes me feel shame. Too much of this has been internalized in my head to where things get so confusing. My anxiety loves all that confusion.

Thanks for listening and please share your thoughts if you'd like.

 

Thanks for the post Mike. You know, I am unsure where the shame comes from, but it's rooted deep. I do have moments when it clears though and everything lifts and becomes ok. I have always been the people pleaser type, perfectionist too. My entire life has been spent trying to do what's right and what's best for everyone. However, it seems that I missed my own needs by doing so. My shame and anxiety are mixed together. One comes with the other and it's very hard to separate the two when in the midst.

I do think that I tried to push the feelings away with shame - some part of me thought that by doing that I would get rid of the feelings. This was clearly the wrong approach, but it all I knew. My upbringing was not religious, but was guided by materialism and repressed emotions. There was no voice in my childhood, so I tended to internalize and push aside.

I think you are right in that it's hard to operate when shame gets in the way. To navigate a transition such as this you need a clear head and self confidence. Unfortunately, I have neither - at least today.

Thanks for listening!

---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 02:09 PM ----------

Thanks for all the responses. I have been seeing a therapist for a few years now and it has helped. However, I have fought against the tide for so long that I seem to be lost in my head more than actively engaged in life.

Additionally, I suffer from OCD style intrusive thoughts that ruin any good vibes I may be experiencing. Thankfully there are good days as well. I completely understand and support LGBT people - always have. Have always supported gay marriage and was the first to correct friends who would drop the occasional slur. So, I suppose it's just incredible internal confusion and lack of self trust that effects me.

Finally, I signed a lease today and will be moving out in a couple weeks, so that no doubt is pushing my limits and causing more anxiety. For those of you who have dealt with debilitating anxiety you know how nasty it can become.

As for the self loathing, well that is probably the case at times. I have always been an incredibly positive person - almost to the point of being unhealthy as I rarely let myself feel any pain over the years. Now I find myself at the mercy of my unhealthy mind.

I know it will get better and I appreciate everyone's suggestions and support.